WrestleMania 9 results, retro live blog: Yokozuna vs. Bret Hart

It's undoubtedly going to be a slow Saturday night, so instead of sitting around and twiddling our thumbs how about we make use of that certain over-the-top service so many of us pay $9.99 a month for and go retro with a live blog?

Our latest retro live blog will cover WrestleMania 9, which took place on Sun., April 4, 1993, at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, Nevada and featured Bret Hart defending the WWF championship against Yokozuna in the night's main event.

We'll treat this live blog like we would any show airing live. It will kick off at 8 p.m. ET tonight, so if you want to follow along and chat with your fellow fans and friends here on the site, make sure you click "play" on the WWE Network at 8 p.m. ET and come back here for all the fun.

Coverage will roll below.

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WRESTLEMANIA 9 LIVE BLOG

The General in the house. Let's make it happen.

Gorilla Monsoon is welcomed as our host, and he tells us he could get used to wearing a toga. They were full blown on the theme at Caesars Palace in Vegas for this. Monsoon kicked it over to new WWE commentator Jim Ross, who would be working his first show.

They brought out "Julius Caesar" on an elephant with gladiators walking them out. Even the elephant was dressed up. Said elephant was instructed to give a wave after dropping Caesar off before he bailed.

Pro wrestling, y'all.

Macho Man was then announced and brought in with vestal virgins walking out alongside him. Ross tells us Bobby Heenan was supposed to get this treatment. I can't believe they're wasting all this time on this nonsense. Ross is struggling to come up with anything to say to this.

Finally, Heenan was brought out on a camel, riding it the wrong way. "Guess what? He's a big loser," Savage remarked. When Heenan got to ringside he complained that Macho Man was supposed to ride the camel while Ross told him he stinks. Savage said he doesn't smell worse than normal and, actually, the camel is pretty hot about the situation. Then he looked to the crowd to see if anyone liked what he said.

They couldn't hear him, of course.

On to the first match.

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Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka

This was for the Intercontinental championship and featured Sensational Sherri in Tatanka's corner and Luna Vachon in Shawn's corner.

They continually teased Sherri and Luna getting into a physical altercation on the outside -- what Savage kept referring to as a "cat fight" -- while Tatanka and Michaels had a surprisingly slow paced match on the inside. The commentary was trying to save it, but there were multiple sloppy spots -- like a nearly botched "modified victory roll" as Jim Ross called it -- and the crowd was struggling to care for anything other than pinfall attempts.

Michaels worked Tatanka over for most of the match until the big comeback. They did a near fall on a cross body off the top rope, then a catapult into the turnpost for another. Shawn countered into a roll up that got two, then went to the top for a crossbody that Tatanka turned into a slam for yet another two count.

There was a weird spot where Michaels quite clearly dragged the official out of the ring before climbing back in to continue the match. It looked like the match would continue, with Tatanka going for a pin but the referee didn't count, instead calling for Shawn's disqualification.

Tatanka def. Shawn Michaels via disqualification

They had a couple decent near falls but that was a garbage finish.

After the match, Luna went after Sherri, body slamming her on the outside before Tatanka ran her off.

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Steiner Brothers vs. Headshrinkers

They did a very brief interview with Rick and Scott Steiner, who were really excited about working their first WrestleMania. Scott's mullet was out of this world, man.

During the match, a physical back-and-forth between the two physical teams, Ross told us Luna again attacked Sherri backstage at the medical station and a report would be coming soon.

There was a terrifying spot with Steiner getting sent over the top rope head first down to the floor. Afa then came around and drilled him with a cane. Crowd "ooh'd" and "aah'd" this. It allowed the Headshrinkers to take control of the match as they put a beating on Scott while Rick was champing at the bit to get in there.

When Rick finally got in he ran wild all the way up until he tried to butt the Headshrinkers' heads together. They no sold it and headbutted him for his troubles. They went for a Doomsday Device but Rick hit a snap slam that got a two count. He was then sent out but Scott tagged in while he was doing so. After a brief bit of action, he hit a Frankensteiner -- well, he missed badly, actually, but they went with it -- and that was enough to get a three count.

Steiner Brothers def. Headshrinkers

A standard tag team match with a botched finish.

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They interviewed Doink the Clown and showed footage of him ambushing Crush on Raw with a fake arm that he beat Crush down with.

That match is next.

Doink the Clown vs. Crush

Crush's ring gear -- really, everyone's ring gear around this time -- was so ridiculous. Way too colorful.

Crush met Doink on the outside and started in on beating him up. They sold his anger like it would overcome Doink's scientific wrestling. That's a real thing they were talking about. I swear these two were working in slo motion. I mean, I get that they were working the idea that Crush was taking his time and methodically going about getting his revenge but it was painful how slow going it was.

Doink made a comeback while Ross tried to tell us "this guy really can wrestle!" As if to emphasize this, Doink hit an awful looking piledriver that Ross said was "perfectly executed."

Yeah, okay.

Crush stopped the bleeding with a boot to Doink's grill as he was coming off the top. Heenan said "that will loosen your teeth" and Macho took the opportunity to say "Crush is not even a dentist!"

I don't even know.

Back in control, Crush called for his finish but Doink got to the ropes. They did a ref bump when Crush broke the hold. Crush stayed in control, hitting the worst spinning back kick you'll ever see. Crush then got his finish locked in but another Doink showed up with the fake arm and knocked Crush out with it.

Naturally, the referee woke up just after the second Doink bailed under the ring and the first Doink covered Crush to get the pinfall victory.

Doink the Clown def. Crush

Heenan spent the next couple minutes saying it was an illusion and there was really only one Doink. Savage and Ross argued with him that there were, in fact, two Doinks.

This is the dumbest show.

A referee suddenly ran down to the ring telling the official for the match that there was a second Doink and he hid under the ring. They looked for him but couldn't find him, so they just left to the back while Crush sold a head injury in the ring.

They cut to Todd Pettingale in the audience and he said they were taking a poll asking if there were two Doinks or if it was an illusion. He asked a Japanese guy and he just randomly started talking about Yokozuna.

What in the hell is this show?!?

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Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund

They continued talking about whether there were two Doinks or it was an illusion into the start of this match. Razor was in control for a lot of this. Once Backlund took over, they got sloppy, as Ramon was nearly dropped on his head on an arm drag before Backlund missed a dropkick and delivered an awful looking atomic drop.

Shortly after that, Razor rolled him up and got a three count.

Razor Ramon def. Bob Backlund

Heenan freaked out that Ramon won "beat the wrestler with wrestling!"

Well what the hell else are they doing?

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Mean Gene Okerlund interviewed Money Inc., telling them he feels like they might be in danger of losing the tag team titles because Hulk Hogan returned to help his friend Brutus Beefcake. They ran video of the angle that led to all this, with I.R.S. hitting Beefcake with a briefcase.

DiBiase cut a promo saying it's time to put up or shut up.

I.R.S. said he heard Hogan was in an accident leaving the gym the other day and "that's what money can do. If you think Beefcake's face looks bad, wait until you see Hogan's!"

Money Inc. vs. The Mega-Maniacs

They got in tight on Hogan's face when he came out to get a good look at the massive black eye he was sporting. They started brawling as soon as Hogan and Beefcake got in the ring, with the babyfaces sending the heels out before the Hulkster tore his shirt off and worked the gimmick. They left his entrance music playing for all this.

Hulk's eye was JACKED up.

Beefcake took control out of the gate, enough so that he could tag Hogan in to get some work in without having to take any offense. That included two separate series of punches that the crowd counted along with. For some reason, though, Hulk kept stopping at 9 instead of going to 10. On what would have been punch 10, he would threaten the referee.

I have no idea why. Savage tried to say it was just because he came here ready for a fight.

A short time later, he even hit I.R.S. with an eye poke, which led to Money Inc. trying to walk out of the match. The referee then told Howard Finkel that if Money Inc. didn't come back to the ring by the count of 10, they would not only lose the match but they would also lose their tag team titles.

HUH?!?

Heenan wondered why the referee could just make up the rules as he was going on, which was a fair question. Plus, Hogan had threatened that very referee multiple times already in this match.

Either way, Money Inc. came running back in and they got back underway.

That meant the heels getting the heat on Hogan. DiBiase worked a chin lock, I think, and Hogan acted like he passed out. They did the old arm pick up and drop once, then twice, but Hogan saved it by keeping his arm up on the third drop. Beefcake tried to come in and save Hogan when he seemed to be fading quickly again. The ref stopped him but I.R.S. started to come in, so the ref  moved to him. That allowed Beefcake to come in, put a sleeper on DiBiase, then bail back out.

The babyfaces are cheaters.

With Hogan and DiBiase both laid out flat, the referee counted all the way up to nine, at which point Hogan sat up to his ass and the referee dramatically broke the count.

That's not how it works? Whatever, this has been a disaster of a show anyway.

Beefcake went wild on the hot tag shortly after but the heels cut that off and went back to work, this time trying hard to get the mask off Brutus's face. Beefcake made another comeback but instead of tagging Hogan in, he worked a sleeper on I.R.S. DiBiase came up from behind and knocked him down, in turn hitting the referee.

They did a double tag, with Hogan coming in to battle DiBiase to a big pop from the crowd. He hit the big boot on DiBiase then dropped I.R.S. when he came in with a shot from Beefcake's mask. Hogan went for the cover on Ted before Beefcake covered I.R.S. The referee was still down, so Jimmy Hart turned his coat inside out, showing ref stripes, and made the count himself. Then he tried to give the tag titles to Hogan and Beefcake.

The crowd celebrated this bullshit for some reason.

A referee ran out to the ring from the back and raised I.R.S. and DiBiase's hands, saying that Hogan and Beefcake lost by disqualification, presumably for the 58 infractions they committed during this match.

Money Inc. def. Mega-Maniacs

After all this, the Mega Maniacs turned on the referee, threatening him like they were going to beat him down. Jimmy Hart came in to stop it but it turns out that's only because Hart wanted to toss him out of the ring himself.

Unreal.

Hogan then proceeded to work the gimmick for what felt like an hour, posing and cupping his ear and flexing and just get the hell out of the ring already. Instead, they saw the briefcase Money Inc. had been carrying around, broke into it, found a brick and some cash, and started pelvic thrusting at the crowd while holding the cash.

Holy shit, this is amazing.

Hogan then posed again before taking the money and passing it out to the fans in the audience, making them all accessories after the fact.

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Mr. Perfect was interviewed by Mean Gene Okerlund, botching his lines trying to figure out what to call "The Narcissist," Lex Luger. He kept calling him "The Larcissist."

"I'm so excited for this I'm just going to go out there. Watch what I do!"

Mr. Perfect indeed.

Lex Luger vs. Mr. Perfect

Really just your standard match. Luger did a lot of selling and they went with a schmoz finish. Luger did a backslide pin and the referee counted it even though Perfect's legs were over and on the ropes during the count.

Luger hit him with the running elbow after and took off to the back. No referee came running out to explain what had happened this time, unlike the other matches on this card that featured shenanigans.

They showed Perfect really upset about getting laid out with the elbow. They stayed with him as he went backstage to find Luger to continue the fight. When he ran into him, Lex was talking to Shawn Michaels, who immediately attacked Perfect and hit him with a trash can.

When they cut to ringside, Savage had to be held back by Ross from getting at Heenan.

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Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez

Gonzalez was wearing that ridiculous body suit. They showed a young girl in the crowd and had Ross say she was looking on "in awe." Looked more like she was bored to me, but what do I know?

The match is basically just Gonzalez beating on Undertaker and "The Phenom" continually getting back up from it while the announcers wonder how he does it considering Gonzalez is so much bigger. 'Taker was still in that period where he wasn't selling a lot, so he just moved slower after he got hit with whatever he was getting hit with.

He was also under the power of the urn, so Paul Bearer was using it to help give him power to get beat up.

Gonzalez hit a headbutt that knocked Undertaker down. 'Taker sat up. Giant baffled.

Gonzalez hit another headbutt that knocked Undertaker down. 'Take sat up again. Giant even more baffled.

This match.

When Undertaker came back and finally knocked Gonzalez down to one knee, Harvey Whippleman threw a towel in the ring with chloroform on it and Gonzalez used it to put Undertaker to sleep. The referee called for the bell and apparently that's the match.

Undertaker def. Giant Gonzalez via disqualification

Savage sold like this was one of the worst things to ever happen because "that stuff can kill people." A ton of referees ran out to help Undertaker while Gonzalez heeled it up to the crowd in the ring. They brought out a stretcher while Gonzalez choke slammed a referee.

After 'Taker was backstage, the GONG hit and he walked back out to the ring with a purpose. Once he got in, he knocked Gonzalez down with a clothesline, after which he rolled out of the ring and wondered aloud "what happened?" Security came out and escorted him to the back while Undertaker's music played.

Hot garbage.

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They did an interview with Hulk Hogan backstage. He said he just talked to Bret Hart, saying the Hulkamaniacs are behind him or something like that. He talked about getting jumped at the gym and how Money Inc. must have paid to have him taken out.

"As I looked into Bret Hart's eyes, I even questioned Hulkamania," Hogan said. Then he challenged the winner of Hart vs. Yokozuna to a WWF title match. He continued putting over Hart like it was a sure bet he would win.

Todd Pettingale was back to interviewing folks in the audience. It was awkward as hell, as per usual, with two fans attempting to work an impromptu match.

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Yokozuna vs. Bret Hart

This was for the WWF championship.

Yoko's size advantage was such that they immediately made it the focus of the match. Hart tried to get a waist lock but couldn't even get his arms around the challenger. He was thrown from the ring after getting shaken off easily. So he got smart and tied up Yokozuna's feet in the ropes, taking him down and getting some offense in while he was trapped.

Yokozuna took control and hit a leg drop that got a big pop from the crowd, mostly because it looked like it killed poor Bret Hart. A "U-S-A" chant broke out while fans got behind the champion. The Hitman jumped Yoko's back from the second rope to get him down again but it didn't last long and Yokozuna used a superkick to regain control.

They continued to work that basic outline. Yokozuna in control with Hart making comebacks centered on knocking Yokozuna off his feet. He used an exposed turnbuckle to put him down one more time and after doing so, put the Sharpshooter on.

While he had the Sharpshooter on, Mr. Fuji threw something in Hart's eyes. The referee didn't see it, and counted Hart's shoulders down when Yokozuna pinned him.

Just like that,we have a new champion.

Yokozuna def. Bret Hart

Immediately, Hulk Hogan was in the ring, apparently trying to say that Hart had something thrown in his eyes. Fuji then got on the mic and challenged Hogan to a match. Hogan started walking out with Hart, who told him to get back in the ring and fight.

So he did.

Yokozuna held Hogan and Fuji tried to throw something in his eyes. He ducked, it went in Yoko's eyes, and Hogan sent Fuji out. Then he dropped the leg on Yokozuna and pinned him to win the WWF championship.

Hulk Hogan def. Yokozuna

Of course.

Hogan went back to doing his posedown routine, which he already spent like an hour doing earlier in the show. This time it was accentuated by fireworks and the WWF championship. Bret Hart was nowhere to be seen. That's all there was to it.

Hogan wins (LOL).

End.