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Cageside Seats Retro Live Blog: Great American Bash 1991

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After surviving the storm that was Royal Rumble 2015 and the #CancelWWENetwork fallout, followed by WWE Network hitting a million subscribers and offering a free month for new subscribers, Cageside Seats will celebrate the only way it knows how: retro live blogging an awful PPV event.

This time around, it's the 1991 Great American Bash from the Baltimore Arena, taking place on July 14, 1991. The event is infamously regarded as one of the worst wrestling shows of all time, and it's in part due to who isn't there: the recently fired (or walked out depending on who you believe) NWA and WCW World Heavyweight Champion Ric Flair.

Regular live blog rules apply, so leave your GIFs at home. We'll hit play on this monstrosity at 9 p.m. ET/6 p.m. PT/2 a.m. Greenwich Mean Time. I'll leave it to you to figure out your time zone from here.

Come back for the coverage, stay for the horror.

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GREAT AMERICAN BASH 1991 LIVE BLOG

CONFIRMED MATCHES
  • SCAFFOLD MATCH: Steve Austin & Terrance Taylor vs. PN News & Bobby Eaton
  • Diamond Studd vs. Z-Man
  • Ron Simmons vs. Oz
  • Richard Morton vs. Robert Gibson
  • Fabulous Freebirds (Badstreet, Jimmy Garvin, and Michael Hayes) vs. Young Pistols (Tracy Smothers & Steve Armstrong) and Dustin Rhodes
  • Johnny B. Badd vs. The Yellow Dog
  • LUMBERJACK MATCH: Big Josh vs. Black Blood
  • El Gigante vs. One Man Gang
  • RUSSIAN CHAIN MATCH: Nikita Koloff vs. Sting
  • INTERGENDER TAG TEAM MATCH: The Steiner Brothers & Missy Hyatt vs. The Dangerous Alliance (Arn Anderson, Barry Windham, and Paul E. Dangerously)
  • WCW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP (STEEL CAGE MATCH): Lex Luger vs. Barry Windham
---

Show opens with a roadie run of the arena from outside the Baltimore Arena to inside. Gary Michael Capetta welcomes us to the Great American Bash.

Show opens with a Scaffold Match between PN News & Bobby Eaton taking Steve Austin & Terrance Taylor. Two ways to win: knock one member of the opposing team off, capture the opposing team's flag.

Commentary by Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone.

Great camera shot as we see some empty seats on the floor.

PN News and Bobby Eaton up first. Opposing team finally up and we're off. Scaffolding is shaky to say the least. Oh, and there's an elevated rampway leading to the ring. Austin nearly falls. PN News yet to step off home base. There he goes. Yeah, this is bad. And Austin wants none of that. Crowd shot.

PN News more than halfway across. He could probably walk over and get the flag right now if he wants. PN goes down and he's down. Scaffolding is wood instead of steel.

Eaton's got the flag, and he's untouched like Emmitt Smith making his way for the goaline.

WINNERS: Bobby Eaton and PN News.

Post-match, Lady Blossom sprays PN News in the face. And... that's it.

--

Cut to Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone who look like they want nothing to do with this show talking up tonight's proceedings.

Then cut to Eric Bischoff interviewing Paul E. Dangerously and Arn Anderson, who clearly looks like he's lost his best friend. Six-man intergender tag match by the way has been changed to an intergender tag match: Rick Steiner & Missy Hyatt vs. Paul E. and Arn. Something about bottom lines and Jason Hervey says Paul. Arn's fitting to do criminal acts and such.

Back to Ross and Schiavone talking about the world title match tonight between Lex Luger and Barry Windham and the Russian chain match. Strap match rules seem to apply here.

These guys are stalling for time, aren't they?

--

After about five minutes, it's onto match 2: The Diamond Studd with Diamond Dallas Page against The Z-Man. Z-Man with a leaping double clothesline takes out both Studd and Page. Page in his All-American jacket low-bridges Z-Man.

After a brief flurry by Z-Man, Studd takes control. Big chokeslam by Studd. Both men trade near falls, and Studd is in control again. Slow match this is. Diamond Studd wins with a bridging back suplex following interference by Diamond Dallas Page.

--

Ross & Schiavone talk up Ron Simmons as we head into the third bout, Ron Simmons vs. Oz. Oz with unnecessarily elaborate entrance and The Great Wizard. "The All-American" Ron Simmons out next. Typical lumbering power man match as some guy chants boring. Until Oz gets clotheslined to the floor. Test of strength countered into a northern lights suplex. Dropkick misses and Oz is in control. Side slam gets near fall. Simmons gets all football-like and flying shoulder block gets the win. Ron Simmons wins.

--

Ross and Schiavone talk up THE ROCK ‘N ROLL EXPRESS EXPLODING! Then your WCW top 10. Johnny B. Badd, Ron Simmons, Diamond Studd, El Gigante, Arn Anderson, Bobby Eaton, Steve Austin, Sting, Barry Windham, and Lex Luger is #1. So we got #1 vs. #2 tonight for the world title. Makes sense, I guess.

--

Robert Gibson vs. Richard Morton is up next, and they're throwing hands early. Both men in their old R & R Express gear even though they're no longer a tag team. Morton out with Alexandra York of the York Foundation. York with unnecessarily huge Speak ‘n Spell thing. Oh, hey. Bill Alfonso as a referee.

After a hot start, much stalling. Many stalls. Morton goes after the knee to the apathy of the crowd. These two were the WCW equivalent of the Rockers. Why are they going so slow? Lot of leg work by Morton on Gibson. Even Ross wants these two to speed it up. DDT by Gibson wakes up the sleeping crowd. Morton nails Gibson with the computer. Richard Morton gets the win. 17 and a half agonizing minutes.

--

Greenscreen interview with the Young Pistols and Dustin Rhodes conducted by Eric Bischoff.

Six-man elimination match is up next. The Fabulous Freebirds & Badstreet vs. The Young Pistols & Dustin Rhodes in a non-title match. Freebirds are 2/3 of the six-man tag champs and the US tag team champions. Baltimore attempts to get a "We Want Flair" going but it falls flat. Freebirds take control and work over the young Rhodes. Pistols with double shoulder blocks send the Freebirds out. Stalling by Garvin. Confusing spot follows. Match goes nearly 14 minutes before the first elimination. A double DDT eliminates Pistol Armstrong, but Hayes is DQed less than ten seconds later for the over-the-top throw. Double DDT to Smothers, and Garvin eliminates Smothers. Dustin with a quick clothesline eliminates Jimmy. Badstreet takes control with a boot. Near fall following an elbow. Badstreet with a slam, but gets caught coming off the top. Rhodes hits a lariat. Should have been a three, but Big Daddy Dink with the distraction. Rhodes with a bulldog/dropkick combo ends this at 17 minutes. Young Pistols and Dustin Rhodes win 3-2; Rhodes is sole survivor.

--

The Yellow Dog vs. Johnny B. Badd. Yellow Dog accompanied by an actual yellow dog, Johnny B. Badd accompanied by Theodore R. Long. Match is for Yellow Dog's mask. People are trying to prove that Yellow Dog and the fired Brian Pillman are one and the same, and if it's proven, Brian's fired. Johnny apparently beat Razor Ruddock once and is a five-time New York Golden Gloves winner. Oooooooookay.

--

Dog half-speeding it with the young Badd. Perhaps on purpose to not give away himself. Early advantage by Pillman, then a near fall with a crucifix. Badd gets the advantage on the outside, then Dog misses on a cross body. Badd goes for the mask, but Dog gets a backdrop suplex. High crossbody hits, but Long runs in for the DQ finish. Yellow Dog wins by disqualification. Post-match, Dog nails Long with a clothesline, but Badd KO's Dog, but doesn't go for the mask.

Cut backstage to Eric Bischoff perving on Missy Hyatt. Hyatt, rightfully so, throws stuff at him. Creep.

--

Up next is a lumberjack match between Black Blood (with Kevin Sullivan) and Big Josh (with some ladies). Truth be told, I did not pay attention to this match, but Black Blood's axe plays in the outcome. Dustin Rhodes nails Black Blood with the axe handle and Big Josh is your winner.

--

El Gigante (accompanied by midgets) taking on One Man Gang (with Kevin Sullivan) up next. Yeah, you know what? I can't. Bathroom break.

Six minutes later: Gigante kicks powder in OMG's face, boomerang clothesline, and wins. El Gigante wins.

--

Promo package precedes a Russian Chain Match between Sting and Nikita Koloff. Both men attached to a chain, strap match rules apply. Four corners in a row to win.

This, by the way, is the fourth straight gimmick match on this show. Sting takes control early sending Koloff out and choking him with the chain. Nice babyface move there, Stinger. Sting touches two corners, but is stopped, then is nearly beheaded by Koloff. Koloff killing Sting with chain. Sting then posts Koloff by giving the chain a tug. Chain wedgie wakes the crowed up some. Inconsistent call near the end of the match as both men's momentums are stopped at one point, but in the end, a Stinger Splash causes Koloff to complete the trip around the ring first. Nikita Koloff wins. Post match, another chain wedgie to the delight of the crowd.

--

Video package highlights both the main event participants. Then cut back to Ross and Schiavone talk up the main event and we get our first audible "WE WANT FLAIR!" of the night. Much talking. So much talking.

--

It's main event time as WCW United States Champion Lex Luger takes on Barry Windham in a steel cage match for the vacated WCW World Heavyweight Championship. Belt looks all sorts of awful, as their new championship belt wasn't ready in time for the show, so one of Dusty Rhodes' old titles is converted, thus the monstronsity. More "We Want Flair" chants, then they kill the crowd mics. At this point, I've long checked out of this show and nearly have drifted off to sleep three times. After about 11 minutes, Harley Race and Mr. Hughes come out for no particular reason and Race tells Luger "now is the time". Knee to the back, piledriver, and Lex Luger is your new WCW World Heavyweight Champion. The second half of the match is alright and is probably the best five minutes of action or so on this show. Luger leaves with Race and Hughes. Heel turn imminent I have to assume.

--

Still a little time left for an intergender tag team bout between Rick Steiner & Missy Hyatt and Arn Anderson & Paul E. Dangerously. Nope, scratch that. Missy Hyatt is kidnapped by the Hardliners, and Rick has to go it alone. Not gonna save your woman? I mean, come on, man. Paul E. hits a top rope axehandle, and that's about the only offense Anderson and Paul get in the match. The interview to promote this match is longer than the match itself, as Rick Steiner wins after a Steinerline.

Reprise the theme song and roll the credits.

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