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In October of 2014, Dean Ambrose is the hottest thing going in WWE.
With the roster bereft many of the traditional stars, Dean has emerged as the up and coming attraction and a possible main event player... but don't count your ribbed tanks before they're unwrapped.
This personal issue with John Cena over who gets to inflict the most pain on Seth Rollins seems to be ushering Ambrose into the upper echelon of pro wrestling. But it was only a year ago when Cena and the since departed CM Punk seemed to be welcoming Big E into the main event scene by ending RAW as a threesome, standing tall together. Now, the erstwhile Mr. Langston can't even make it onto my TV screen. He's a non-factor! A huge, charismatic, super-strong, zero!
Nothing is guaranteed until a wrestler is firmly established as a bankable star that the territory depends upon for revenue. The good news is that once that happens, you become a made man.
Bastion Booger's early-90's WWF run drew exactly zero dollars. In an effort to improve his lot with the company, he once asked for a meeting with Vince McMahon. He was rewarded with an immediate release. Some meeting!
Meanwhile, Stone Cold Steve Austin nearly decapitates McMahon with a stunner, fills the boss' favorite Corvette with cement, and drenches Vince's entire brain trust with a deluge of libations. His "punishment?" More TV time, more title opportunities, more publicity, and more black t-shirts on the racks. In short, more prosperity!
To use another example, Hunter Hearst Helmsley emerged as a fine mid-card star at the head of the Degeneration-X faction. He got the fans' attention with a flippant attitude towards authority, a beast of a love interest, and playing grab ass with the New Age Outlaws and X-Pac.
But what did it take for him to really make his mark in this business? It wasn't just a new pair of black briefs (though that didn't hurt). He retired the sophomoric pranks, got in even more tremendous shape, and started winning matches. A lot of them. Before long he was known as a no-nonsense grappler, a main event force, and a World Champion many times over. And this is before his relationship with Stephanie McMahon bore political fruit!
Simply put, Dean, start playing "The Game." Retire the Bugle Boys, comb your hair, and please wash your face and feet. Maybe find a place to live and establish some kind of daily routine. Keep hitting the gym, Vince loves that stuff. You don't need to win any Gary Strydom look-alike contests, but the Raymond Rougeau physique ain't going to write you any million dollar checks, either.
Last of all, stop going crazy on people outside of the confines of sanctioned matches! You need to beef up your win/loss record as much as possible before WWE brass tires of your antics. Climb your way towards the top of the Wrankings! Do your fighting exclusively on the company's dime. Spend your newfound leisure time on hobbies or personal reflection instead. Maybe grow a garden?
Don't worry! Once you become a crossover star, you can do whatever you want. CM Punk publicly pined for Vince McMahon's death on worldwide television and he got a raise and a title shot!
And God help you if you turn an ankle or something while you're duking it out in some bowling alley, or whatever. The Wellness Policy doesn't cover that kind of thing. Sheamus doesn't even get into pub brawls anymore for that exact reason. And he's Irish! Irish, I say!!!
In closing, I love ya. Heck, everyone does. But we want to enjoy your self-aware hi-jinx for longer than the time it takes for King Kong Bundy to style his hair in the morning.
If you were to be removed from WWE television, we'd all have no choice but to spend time with our families and contribute to our local communities. We just can't have that. We want to live vicariously though your televised ass-kicking instead!
Please heed my advice, Dean. You're all we have left!
OFFICIAL WRESTLER WRANKINGS FORMULA
ANY WIN = 2 POINTS
US OR INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE BOUT = 1 POINT
WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE BOUT = 3 POINTS
NON "BIG 4" PPV BONUS = 1.5X
SUMMERSLAM, SURVIVOR SERIES, ROYAL RUMBLE = 2X BONUS
WRESTLEMANIA = 3X BONUS
The WWE season begins on the day after WrestleMania 30 and culminates with WrestleMania 31. The wrestler who accumulates the most points over the course of the season, wins the coveted Wrankings Championship!
Monday Night Raw -- 9/29/14
Main Event -- 10/1/14
Smackdown -- 10/3/14
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WRESTLER WRANKINGS, WEEK 28 *TOP TEN*
1. RUSEV -- 77 points
2. Sheamus -- 61
3. Dolph Ziggler -- 52
4. John Cena -- 51.5
T5. Cesaro -- 51
T5. Seth Rollins -- 51
7. Bo Dallas -- 50.5
8. Roman Reigns -- 41
9. Bad News Barrett -- 37
10. Adam Rose -- 29
notable:
T12. Dean Ambrose -- 25
Thanks for reading, Cagesiders. We'll see you back here next week!