WWE Raw results, recap, reactions (Aug. 4, 2014): Pedi-Brie

WWE returned to the USA network for Monday Night Raw last night (Aug. 4, 2014) from Austin, Texas, featuring all the latest build to the upcoming SummerSlam pay-per-view (PPV) scheduled for next month in Los Angeles. There was a Pedigree for you, and one for you, and a whole lot of shilling for the WWE Network.

Click here to get full results with the live blog. Let's get to reacting to all the night's events.

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How much was it again?

For as much as he claims he doesn't spend any time on the Internet, Triple H is absolutely an Internet troll.

Quick story: For those of you who don't visit the site frequently, we don't allow GIFs in the Raw live blog thread because it gets so many comments that any GIF posted would slow the page down to an unbearable degree. One night a user who will remain nameless decided to go rogue, posting a GIF. When other users alerted him to his impending ban, his response was to go out in a blaze of glory. He did so by posting something like 600 GIFs in one comment. It took me at least 15 minutes just to get the comment removed because it had to load a fresh set of GIFs with each scroll down the page. Imagine the thoughts running through my head as each new GIF loaded up while I was scrolling endlessly to get to his username so I could drop the hammer.

This is basically what Triple H -- and, later, the entire commentary team but most unbearably Jerry Lawler -- did last night with "$9.99".

(GIF via WrestlingWithText.com.)

Look at that face. He's delighting in the misery he knows he's causing.

It's a curious strategy, though, isn't it? The big plan to sell the WWE Network was to repeatedly say it costs only $9.99 a month and you can watch a bunch of pro wrestling programming on it? When I say "repeatedly" I mean it got in the way of the rest of the show.

"This Beat the Clock challenge match will probably end at 9.99! ... I had a steak last night, it was pretty good but the best part was it cost $9.99! ... Hey guys, what number comes after 998? You got it! $9.99!"

On a night when both Brock Lesnar and John Cena weren't even in the building, WWE decided its best course of action was to piss you off for three hours by saying "$9.99" a lot in the hopes that you'll pay that $9.99 to watch the match between the two people who weren't even there.

Hey, maybe if we pay the $9.99, they'll show up next time!

Segment grade: D

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Blood and urine and vomit

You know what, actually, it's better that Brock Lesnar and John Cena weren't on this show because it meant WWE could air the above video on two separate occasions.

It was glorious both times. It remains glorious now.

Brock Lesnar is a scary individual. We know this because, well, just look at that big old nasty bastard. He intimidates, even through television. His mere presence is overwhelming and as long as he doesn't get in his own way -- feeling feelings that he felt that one feelings filled night -- he's perfect.

Because you believe him.

Brock Lesnar is not actually going to leave John Cena in a pile of his own blood, and urine, and vomit while he stands over him holding the WWE world heavyweight championship. That's not something that's actually going to happen on a WWE PPV broadcast.

But Brock Lesnar is so absolutely certain in his character I'm not 100-percent confident in saying that. I'm sure, but I'm not actually sure because maybe, just maybe, there is no leash on this beast and even if there was he could tear it off and good luck trying to get it back on him.

Brock Lesnar, much like Dean Ambrose, doesn't come across like he's playing a character.

John Cena, meanwhile, is a character. He's bright, and shiny, and clean, and presentable.

It's why the image of Brock Lesnar leaving him in a pool of his own blood, and urine, and vomit is simultaneously appalling and alluring.

As an aside, none of this would work had Brock Lesnar not conquered the Undertaker's undefeated streak at WrestleMania. He needed that win to reestablish himself as the biggest dog in the yard. He left for a while but now he's back, hungrier than ever.

And John Cena is carrying the bone.

Segment grade: A+

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PEDI-BRIE 'EM ALL

For the second week in a row, the women closed out Monday Night Raw and, for the second week in a row, I loved it. Of course I loved it. Regular readers of this column surely clicked in knowing full well I would be singing its praises and, yes, a lot of that has to do with Stephanie McMahon.

Look, Brie Bella sucks. She's actually a pretty good worker, relative to the Divas division, but that's been forgotten because she's been asked to deliver lines and it's always a disaster when it happens. So, yes, Stephanie is shooting fish in a barrel here but I was still beaming at Brie struggling through a poor promo just so Stephanie could destroy her in response.

Really, though, I think Triple H deserves to be lauded here. He opened saying he was just there to be loving, devoted husband and then he was actually a loving, devoted husband, even if it that seems ass backwards considering the situation.

He helped make this segment because he got out of the way. When it was time, he played his part, a supporting role for his wife, the star of the show. He made her the focus, trapping Brie in the corner while Nikki Bella ate a Pedigree as he looked on laughing.

Delicious.

Then, much to the shock of everyone watching, he took a hard slap from Brie freaking Bella and went to a knee.

I will repeat that, my gentle snowflakes.

Triple H took a hard slap from Brie Bella and he sold it by dropping down to a knee. He let Brie Bella put him down, so Stephanie could snap and put her head into the table before delivering another Pedigree.

"This is exactly what I'm going to do to you at SummerSlam!"

(GIF via WrestlingWithText.com)

That's a brutal Pedigree too. She doesn't let go of Brie's arms until the landing, which means Brie has absolutely no way of protecting herself. Look at her head bounce off the mat. Nikki got the same treatment.

Stephanie don't play, y'all.

And then Triple H capped it by deeply kissing his wife at her prompting, raising her arm, and pointing to her. She's the star here, not him. He just helped her shine bright.

Segment grade: A-

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But not least:

• I did not like the rest of this show. It became clear well into hour three that WWE just doesn't have compelling stories across the board. I absolutely love what we've got in the top two feuds, but past that it was hard to sit through the rest.
• Let me make my usual about face and talk about how awesome Dean Ambrose is real quick because, hey gals and guys? Dean Ambrose is awesome. He had a good match with Alberto Del Rio, even if booking it to go over 15 minutes was odd to say the least, and then he stole the show by wrecking Seth Rollins' Money in the Bank briefcase. Pop, popcorn, JBL's hat; all of it worked. But the best part was Ambrose responding with shock and surprise when his having done all that actually resulted in Rollins losing a match to Heath fucking Slater of all people, like even his crazy ass could not believe his ringside nonsense actually worked.
• We're hoping the stipulation he picks is Falls Count Anywhere, right? And we're also hoping the SummerSlam match ends up staying true to both the stories and the characters and they go absolutely batshit insane with it, right? Like, they brawl into the back of a semi and then the semi drives off while they're still brawling with one camera rolling. I want this match to start at the Staples Center but end in some back alley 10 miles away. Because Dean Ambrose is an alley cat.
• Here, let's just say it: this Bray Wyatt vs. Chris Jericho feud is bad. It's just bad. The story is fine, the players are fine, even the booking is fine, but none of it's working. The first match under-performed and there's very little interest in the rematch. I'm not even sure what the problem is, it's just not clicking.
• How much better would it have been if Kane had handed over his mask and told The Authority, "Guys, I just realized I'm not really a demon, I'm not the devil's favorite, and this all just seems so silly. I'm gonna go grab a beer, you two have a good evening," and then just left? In all seriousness, though, they have to be thinking of how to write him out for good sometime soon, right?
• In fairness, his Last Man Standing match with Roman Reigns wasn't the worst thing in the world, it's just the kind of booking that would have resulted in a quick flip to ESPN if it was football season. Hell, many probably did that anyway.
• Good on WWE for continuing the Zeb Colter rehabilitation tour, stock photos of hard working real Americans and all. What are the chaces Hulk Hogan gets involved next week? If Colter asks all real Americans within the sound of his voice to stand up, will the Hulkster do so? If he doesn't, will that constitute a heel turn? You know this show was dragging when this is the kind of shit I was thinking about while it was on.
• For what it's worth, I don't share in the outrage at the Rusev vs. Sin Cara match happening on the WWE App. That's an acceptable level of promotion considering what we were missing out on.
• Cesaro has become Dolph Ziggler and, in some WWE mind blown booking, he went all Dolph Ziggler in a match against Dolph Ziggler. My brain can barely comprehend this.
• More Goldust & Stardust actually wrestling matches, please.
• I'm not sure you can justify Adam Rose's main roster spot anymore. Think of all the WWE employees who lost their jobs over the past couple months and realize Rose is still on Raw every week. You cannot tell me there is any way in hell Rose is more valuable than say, Drew McIntyre.
• Mark Henry is always a sight for sore eyes, though I far prefer him as a heel. Of course, that would have made no sense here and I'm just happy to see him back, squashing our favorite character actor Damien Sandow.
• R-Truth is such a sore loser. Did you see the way he attacked Bo Dallas after their match? Bo just beat him fair and square in the middle of the ring and Truth showed no class in defeat. No worries, though, Dallas BOLIEVED enough to overcome the heinous and completely unwarranted sneak attack.

This wasn't a very good show. The video package was a slam dunk and the contract signing was a home run but they fumbled most of the rest.

Overall grade: D

That's it from me, Cagesiders. Now it's your turn to sound off in the comments section below with all your thoughts on last night's show. How did you like it, if you liked it at all?