WWE Raw results and reactions from last night (Jan. 14): Twinkie tits? Yeah, twinkie tits

WWE returned to the USA network for Monday Night Raw last night (Jan. 14, 2013) from Houston, Texas, featuring the 20th Anniversary show that was supposed to be big but didn't really feel so big.

Click here for full results and the live blog from the show if you missed it. Let's get right to reactions:

• I know I shouldn't be upset that no big stars returned last night, Mick Foley and Ric Flair aside. I know it's irrational and it wouldn't help service any current ongoing storylines but damn it, I'm pissed. You can have The Rock with all his ridiculous jokes and complete inability to evolve into anything other than the annoying uncle who never really grew up and everyone just tolerates at family gatherings because we all know he'll be drunk and passed out soon enough. Have him. I'm done with him. But I want Stone Cold Steve Austin and if you're that guy supporting Rock's concert where all he did was call Vickie Guerrero a fat bitch, fine, but don't come at me (bro) when I want to hear that glass hit and watch "The Rattlesnake" trash talk his way down to the ring, hop in, and stun the ever loving shit out of that singing clown. Really though, bee-yotch? What are you, a middle school girl who lacks creativity? Twinkie tits? What does that even mean? And why the hell is Rock bringing up Paul Heyman's dick and the fact that he probably can't look down and see it, as if that's something I would ever want to hear about while watching a pro wrestling show?
• Again, you can have all that. If that's your bag, I'm not going to act like you're some horrible person. You're certainly not. Well, maybe you are, I don't know you that well. But it's just not my bag, not even a little bit, because I've grown beyond that. I have not, however, grown beyond Austin arriving, raising hell, and leaving. Stunners for everyone. Stun Rock, stun Rock's guitar, stun Vickie Guerrero, stun ZZ Top, stun the crowd, stun the fucking camera guy then stun the damn camera for good measure. I'm so disappointed Stone Cold didn't come back for this show.
• For those of you who don't like Rock or Austin, the good news is you still have CM Punk, who continues to once again be great because he's motivated in all ways he wasn't during his ill fated babyface turn. I loved the way he came out at the end and didn't get on the mic to trade insults with Rock, instead hauling ass to the ring to punch "The Great One" in the head. That's what a champion like that should do. It's what bothers me about Ronda Rousey and the way she's treated this Cris Cyborg situation. "The champ doesn't come to you, you come to the champ." Bullshit. The champ hands his belt off to his manager and runs down to put a beating on whatever clown is invading his turf at that particular moment. Go pound sand, Rock, this is Punk's ring and you don't belong in it. If you do, prove it. Brawl. Cut scene. Simple and effective.
• You know who is better than anyone mentioned so far and no one wants to acknowledge as much? Big Show. Yeah, that big lug who continues to do the best work of his career and entertain the ever loving shit out of me while working with Alberto Del Rio, who I've never been able to get behind no matter what side of good or evil he's on. I don't want to have to deal with the pending "Si! Si! Si!" chants but Show stopping to say "what does the letter C have to do with any of this" was the highlight of the entire evening.
• I actually had to go back to watch it again to confirm but Wade Barrett did in fact defeat Randy Orton clean after hitting the Bullhammer in a match the Intercontinental champion mostly dominated. He still isn't getting television entrances but this is a big step in the right direction. Props to Orton for doing the job too. It actually felt like a relatively big deal, especially with the commentary team putting it over as such.
• Goodbye, Eve Torres. I'm choosing to remember the hot librarian look while you were heeling it up as a member of John Laurinaitis' administration.
• Daniel Bryan and Kane are finally getting along and now Dr. Shelby is a sort of de-facto manager and they're still entertaining. The central conflict of the story seems to be gone but they've shifted the tone and it somehow works out every time. There isn't much to say about it because there isn't much to think about it. They serve their function as a nice way to get a laugh during a long show. Those are the chuckles I want from my pro wrestling.
• Can we move it along with The Shield now? It's like they're in a holding pattern and no one quite knows what they want to do with them. I guess the idea is to keep them occupied with Ryback and Randy Orton, with Sheamus somehow factoring in there somewhere. My guess is this will lead to something in the Rumble match but if it doesn't, I'll quickly start to lose faith in how they're handling this group. Are they ever going to tie up the loose ends with Punk? And what about Brad Maddox?
• That Brodus Clay promo was ridiculous, wasn't it? Glad I hopped off that bandwagon.
• I like the idea of doing an over the top rope battle royal type match in advance of the Rumble but the fact that Sheamus is the guy left in there to deal with 3MB just seems kind of sad, doesn't it? Sure, he's got other stuff going on too, like interfering with The Shield and what they're doing but this felt like regression.
• I don't want to say much about Ric Flair's return because it means acknowledging that The Miz even exists and that's not something I really like to do anymore. Because he's awful in every single way imaginable. The idea, of course, is for Flair's presence to elevate Miz, especially with his "passing of the torch" moment when he told Miz to put the figure four on Antonio Cesaro, but all it really did was drag Flair down. It doesn't help that "The Nature Boy" looks a million years older since he's run through TNA.
• Big E Langston needs more time on the microphone. I love this guy.
• Final thought: I'm tired of seeing John Cena overcome everything. Dolph Ziggler could have brought Legolas with him to the ring and had him shoot bow and arrows directly into Cena's face and he still would have kicked out at two and a half. The only saving grace for all this is the fact that the matches between the two have been exciting as all get out. Hate on Cena all you want, he's been having good matches lately.

This show disappointed me greatly by the time it was over because I was tired of The Rock's insults and the fact that no big stars returned like I had expected/hoped, but it really wasn't a bad show at all.

Grade: B

That's it from me, Cagesiders. Now it's your turn to sound off in the comments section below with all your thoughts on the (not so big) night. What grade did you give the show?