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TNA Impact Results, Review, & Video (Mar. 30, 2017): We built this city

TNA Impact returned last night (Mar. 30) with their third episode from the last set of tapings. You can find all the results at the live blog here.


New Tag Champs

Cleaning up the mess The Hardy’s left, LAX has been crowned your new Impact Tag Champions. Deservedly so. The recorded backstage segment with Konnan prepping his team was great and really gave LAX a complete feel as a stable. I’m glad that they are using Konnan and Homicide in a veteran role and letting the younger talent really shine.

It was clear this match was about LAX and Garza & Laredo Kid. Decay and Reno Scum had moments, but Garza & Laredo Kid stole the beginning of the match, while LAX won with a sick blockbuster powerbomb. Plus, we got a little teaser of Rosemary vs. Diamante, which was great.

The match was good enough, but not good enough for Abyss to not wear pajamas apparently.


Accept the inevitable

Rosemary is the best. I could watch her entrance for a whole two hours. Also her milky eye contact is gross. I love it.

Rosemary enters the ring and begins her “Knockouts Burial Celebration” by answering Jeremy Borash’s question of “Who is left for you to defeat?” Not only has she defeated everyone put in her way, but also because the knockout division is looking rough. Rosemary answers perfectly stating “we retired Gail Kim, dashed Sienna’s hopes, destroyed Brandi’s personal life and blackend Jade’s soul. So the rest of the knockouts division would be wise to stay back and accept their own inevitable decay, Decay, DECAY!”

Unfortunately, that beautiful promo was interrupted by ODB. ODB gives Rosemary her props, but then goes on and on about how she helped build this division and if it wasn’t for her Rosemary wouldn’t exist. Eye. Roll.

I know that people love ODB, but she just doesn’t fit in this current Knockouts division. With most of the past talent gone they really need to be focusing on rebuilding their division not restocking it. Rosemary and Allie are perfect examples of what can happen when you bring in new talent and let them thrive. The best part of ODB interrupting Rosemary was when Rosemary simply responded “You think you are worthy? The Hive disagrees. Bye bye.” Adults saying “bye bye” will never not be funny.

To save this whole ODB debacle the whole Knockouts locker room comes out to make sure that Rosemary stays in the ring and answers the question of “Who’s next?” Madison jumps on the mic declaring that she has more championship reigns that everyone in the ring put together, Brandi claims she wants her title shot, and Diamante reminds everyone that she is not there to talk but to fight. Rosemary then awesomely pushes Diamante into Madison sparking a whole Knockouts brawl. Rosemary takes her belt and tries to escape, but is followed and beaten by ODB. Setting up for next week’s Knockout gauntlet for the #1 contendorship.

Rosemary is evil perfection. Madison still has some life in her. The Knockouts division is full of babies. ODB needs to go home.


WHICH PEOPLE?

Ec3. Whatever shall we do with you? While I may have disagreed with the way they were setting up EC3’s heel turn I do think EC3 functions best as a heel. Unfortunately, this week we hit the breaks on that turn because EC3 came out and apologized to Karen for his actions the week prior. He’s “a bit of a hot head” you see.

Following his apology, he begins to address the Impact Zone and tell us that the only way for him to make Impact great is to make EC3 great again. To bring back the “unbendable, unbreakable, unbeatable, undeniable”, the real EC3. EC3 reminds us that he was champ twice, which puts him on the same level as the wrestlers who are Phenomenal and the ones who have the It Factor, and even current champ Lashley.

This gets in the craw of James Storm who comes out to remind EC3 that he was also champ several times. But he’s not offended, oh no, because he’s an original. Then, for the third time tonight (Karen & ODB), we get an “oldtimer” going on and on about how they built this company and that EC3 should be grateful. (Admittedly, it was a cute bit when Storm was discussing Beer Money and Storm asked EC3 what he was doing and EC3 quipped “I was drinking beer and spending money.”)

After endlessly talking about the past Storm lobbies for a title shot and shockingly EC3 agrees that he deserves one. Coming to a stand-still in their decision making process since they are both so deserving of a title shot for Lashley’s belt they decide that the people should vote for who they want to wrestle Lashley. They rile up the crown by shouting “these people?” “those people?” “what about these people?” for a comically long time.

Then they leave the ring like buddies, waiting for their fate to be decided for them. So you know, really making a change toward that “unbendable, unbreakable, unbeatable, undeniable”, the real EC3.


We’re here too!

No matter how many fancy video packages and talent interviews they slap together to tell us, nay beat us over the head with the knowledge that the X-Division has heart and are the “real” athletes of the show it always seems to feel like the filler match.

Andrew Everett defeated DJZ in a high flying, but ultimately predictable match. I counted no less than three moments where the two men got caught up in their moves and one upped each other until they landed in a stalemate/ the ”hey acknowledge how good that was. We’re both great!” pose. Which can be fun when the audience is really keyed in to both wrestlers, but really felt like overkill in this match.

The match ended with Everett going for a moonsault, only to land on his feet, get taken down by DJZ who then missed his finisher and was rolled up into a small package from Everett.

Helms and Trevor Lee then come out, congratulate Everett on his winning streak of one match and promise him an “opportunity” next week. Now it may seem like Helms was promising Everett a shot at the title belt, but I have a feeling that the opportunity is going to come in the form of a few heely hopes for Everett to jump through.

The X-Division needs matches that have some kind of story line. Athleticism alone and cutting it so hopefully a grudge feud between Lee and Everett will heat things up.


Other Segments/Matches

Moose v Cody

Moose and Cody continue their feud over who gets to talk to Brandi. Meanwhile, Brandi is making some BOLD fashion choices.

Cody plays up his American Nightmare persona too sweeting like a fool, while Moose is just ready to prove that he’s not a bad guy!

The match was actually really good; they had by far the best match chemistry of the night. It’s just hard to get invested in such a basic story line for such a silly belt. Even Brandi is over it! She called her husband and Moose “children” and told him “she did not give a sh*t!” anymore right before she walked out like a boss. I liked that part. Also the part where Cody accidentally kicked a judge in the face – proving that this title belt pointless.

Match ends in a stalemate. Moose retains.


Josh. Matthews. Ugh.

Why? WHY is he the main focus of this show?

The show starts off in a board room meeting with Josh and Jeremy Borash bickering like children while Impact management try and figure out how to run their damn show/what to do about the tag titles. Then throughout the ENTIRE show, even in the MAIN EVENT, they continuously fight about nothing while the Pope plays passive referee and Josh calls everyone a slapnut.

What the f**k is a slapnut?!

He puts himself over as a wrestler every chance he gets, makes awful jokes and yells about his lawyers. This could’ve been a perfectly booked show and I would still have had a miserable time watching it. Commentary, even color commentary, should contribute to the matches not distract from them entirely! Also god damn Josh for making me like The Pope!


KM vs Braxton Sutter

This is a match that was supposed to feel important. It had many key players involved. Karen, Sienna, Allie, and Braxton. Heck, the set up for this match opened the damn show!

Karen called Sienna out to the ring to answer for the crime of being a big mean bully and demanded that she (and her pinkie) apologize. Big mistake because no one makes KM’s cousin apologize! KM (Kevin Matthews). You know him, he knows you know him and despite the Impact zone not knowing who he was, Karen definitely did because of all the “wrestling circles she’s a part of.” KM gets in Karen’s face and Braxton and Allie come in to save the day; setting up a match between KM & Braxton later in the show.

The match itself was pretty basic. Sienna messes with Allie outside the ring. Braxton gets distracted and KM wins with a powerbomb on to the knees. They all start to brawl even though the match is over, but they are interrupted by Laurel. Who fantastically is still a hot mess in her wedding dress wearing her shoes as bracelets pouring champagne in her face. Frankly, Laurel saved that whole segment.


Feelings

Admittedly, it’s been a few weeks since I’ve watched Impact and this was my first foray into the new Jarrett era. I was hoping that I was wrong in my decision to stop watching Impact, but after slugging through two hours of endless bickering on the commentary team, minimal wrestling and weak promos I am sure I made the right call.

I really dislike all the “old guard” talk too. I know it’s been said time and time again, but the way to make Impact great is NOT by bringing in wrestlers from your past, but by bringing in Indie stars and by growing young talent. And if you are going to bring in wrestlers from the past do it like LAX. A little bit of old with a focus on the new.

As always there were good moments, but not enough wrestling to keep me invested. Josh Matthews is the worst and Spud as ring announcer is weird.

Grade: A Generous C-

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