TNA Impact results, live updates for Mar. 27, 2014: UNLOCKED

TNA Impact comes waltzing back into our lives tonight (March 27, 2014) from Orlando, Florida, with a taped show featuring James Storm vs. Gunner in an "UNLOCKED" match. No DQ, no count out, falls count anywhere.

Scheduled for the show: Fallout from Magnus retaining his heavyweight title over Samoa Joe last week, Angelina Love vs. Madison Rayne, Bully Ray promises payback on Bobby Roode, and more!

To follow along as it all goes down come right back here at 9 p.m. ET to hang out with all your favorite folks from this neck of the woods when the show airs on Spike. Hanging out here is guaranteed to enhance your viewing experience.

Enjoy the evening, Cagesiders!

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RESULTS AND LIVE UPDATES

- We started with MVP out for a promo. He said he came here to make sure the playing field was level and because of recent events, he was going to make an executive decision. Before he could finish, Magnus and Abyss interrupted. Magnus said Abyss doesn't work for TNA or MVP because he has a service contract to the heavyweight champion. That means, apparently, that MVP can only deal with Abyss is through Magnus. MVP made him clarify that the only time Abyss can be in the ring is when Magnus is in the ring. Clarified. MVP said he won't fire Abyss but he's not afraid of him either and if Abyss ever comes at him again, there will be trouble. He went on to call out Abyss for being the world's ugliest valet. In all his intelligence, MVP booked Abyss vs. Magnus for the title, seeing as Abyss can only be in the ring when Magnus is in there. MVP also made sure to add Samoa Joe to the match, which will air next week, because he's been getting screwed around so much lately. That brought out Joe. He said he only asked for a fair chance to win the title. Instead, he's getting a handicap match. MVP said it was a three-way, not a handicap. Joe got in MVP's face and said MVP would have a problem controlling him in a few seconds. Magnus got in to say something but Joe attacked. Then, Abyss attacked Joe before MVP attacked Abyss. Suddenly, Eric Young showed up to brawl with Abyss while Mike Tenay tried to sell it as "a wild way to start Impact Wrestling". Naturally, they went to commercial here.

- Back from commercial, Magnus and Abyss were gone with Young, Joe, and MVP in the ring. Young told MVP to make the title match a four-way, that way he could take care of Abyss and Joe could get his one-on-one with Magnus the way it should be. MVP told him he hasn't earned it yet. So Young talked about being there for 10 years (as opposed to MVP being there for 10 minutes) and broke down his various gimmicks and championship titles within the framework of MVP's business credo of motivating, elevating, and participating. Joe stepped in and said he still wants his fair title shot, so Young won't be getting in. MVP said Young validated his case, so he's in the title match. Joe wasn't happy about it. He got in Young's face and it wasn't long before they started brawling back-and-forth. After two puny referees came out to break the two of them up, Joe demanded a match for later and MVP granted it.

- Bully Ray was shown talking to the camera. He said his "fire breathing" Twittah machine is back. And Bobby Roode is going to go through a table tonight.

- MVP ran into the American Wolves. They wanted a favor: a match with Magnus and Abyss. He said no favors and it's booked up, then immediately changed his tune and decided to make the match. He said he would make it happen, then was shown getting on his cell phone calling the production truck.

- Next we got a short cutaway to Ethan Carter 3 and Rockstar Spud climbing through some brush in the woods somewhere searching for Willow.

Editorial break: Good god, this is awful. It's now 21 minutes past the hour and there have been no matches with five different segments and multiple commercial breaks. Ray's first point when he found a camera was to bring up his Twitter? MVP doesn't want to play favorites, then he does just that? Joe is mad at Young for getting in his match even though Young said he was doing it to help him? This show is unbelievable.

- Back from commercial and they're out to the woods with EC3 and Spud still looking for Willow. They played it up for comedy.

- Almost a full half hour into the show, an actual match happened: The Wolves vs. Magnus & Abyss. Naturally, it took two minutes of plodding work before they cut to commercial for a sneak peek of "Noah", in theaters tomorrow. It couldn't be any worse than this show. When they came back, the heels were still in control. Finally, the babyfaces made a comeback by way of Abyss being clumsy but making it look terrible. Abyss' selling of the Wolves punches and kicks was sme of the worst you'll ever see. The finish saw him taken out of the match to the outside before Magnus was put in a submission in the ring. He tapped immediately. Wolves win. Abyss was upset, found the heavyweight title, and walked out with it with Magnus wondering what the hell he was doing.

Editorial break: Wow.

- Angelina Love was out next. She told us Velvet Sky wasn't answering her calls all week, so she wants her to come down and tell her what the hell her problem is. They did a separate entrance for Sky with the same music Love used. Sky's chest looks like it grows every week. Sky got to the ring and said she had more than a problem, she was pissed off. That's because Love "mopped the floor" with Madison Rayne last week. Love said she did that for Velvet, who responded by saying she didn't sign up for this. Love started running her down, calling her vanilla and soft and on her way to becoming another "forgetful face". She had "killer swag" when they were running together but now she doesn't. Love said she sat at home for two years because "apparently, I'm a headache". You have no idea, Angelina. She said she would rather be blackballed by the whole business than be the beeyatch Sky has become. Love told Sky to pick a side during her match with Rayne later and to pick it because she wants it, not because Love was telling her to.

- They ran a video of James Storm and Gunner talking about being a tag team during better times.

- Another video from "earlier today" with EC3 and Spud searching for Willow. Spud was selling a leg injury while EC3 was getting upset with how whiny he was being so early in the day.

- Another video back from a commercial and EC3 and Spud have stumbled upon a barn. EC3 commands Spud to go in the barn. "Operation Human Shield", he calls it. Carter goes in the barn and plays a joke on Spud, like he ran into Willow. Then he invites Spud in while talking about how it's a dump. Before Spud can get into the barn, he's grabbed by Willow and taken away somewhere we can't see. EC3 goes to the door calling for Spud but gets no response. We hear Willow's laugh and that's that.

- They ran another promo for Storm and Gunner, this one showing how Gunner won the Feast or Fired briefcase on a pole match. It was dumb then, it's dumb now too.

- Bully Ray was out next. He got in the ring and signaled to the back for someone to come out. Suddenly, a bunch of people came out carrying tables. Tenay told us they were fans getting interactive. The tables were set up all around the ring and inside it. Ray was really playing up his new babyface role. He hammered the same talking points he's been going on about. He stopped Roode from winning the match at Lockdown because no one needs another owner like Dixie Carter. He asked the fans how many tables to put Roode through. That brought Bobby out and he cut a promo saying he was blinded by the opportunity to own a piece of the company. He remembered who he is now, though, and that's a mean bastard and former champion. Ray demanded he come to the ring and fight. Roode called it typical and said he's the one who calls the shots in TNA. Bully said the fans wanted it and Bobby said it wasn't going to happen. So he dropped the mic and turned to walk away but walked slower than any human has ever walked ever. So Ray chased him down, which meant he walked at a slightly faster pace, and they started brawling. They went back-and-forth for a while until Ray missed a spear and ran through one of the tables set up in the corner, the least of all table break bumps.

- The mics were turned up too loud for the next segment. Abyss was breathing really heavy through his nose and it was terrible. He gave Magnus his title after finding him in his locker room that looked like a broom closet. Abyss wanted to know what the hell he was doing in the match earlier. The champ said he threw the match. So the only match they had on this show was complete bullshit. Thanks, TNA! Magnus said he hired him as insurance and he Abyss needs to understand what his mission is and not to let MVP get in his head. Because he might end up being somebody's freak show if Magnus fires him. Abyss breathed really heavy through his nose again in response.

Editorial break: I thought Willow died while trying to sell that t-shirt? Now I have to wonder if Rockstar Spud is dead, which would really be bad considering he's one of the few entertaining acts on this show. At least EC3 is still alive but he was in that barn when they left it. I don't even want to think of what Willow could have done by now. Hope Carter is looking out for plastic skeletons. Elsewhere, babyface Bully Ray is 141 2/3rds less entertaining than heel Bully Ray, and Abyss needs surgery on his beak. Oh and Magnus admitting to throwing the match was TNA's way of telling us to fuck off for wanting to actually watch wrestling on a wrestling program.

- We got another video package with Knux. He met up with that childhood female friend and, naturally, she was wearing shorts with her ass hanging out. "The flood" apparently caused a lot of damage. He asked about his old man, because apparently he hasn't talked to him, and she snaps on him for bailing on his family. He said he had his own dreams to chase. He appeared to feel bad. She told him to make things right and go talk to his dad. She told him where he was. TO BE CONTINUED ...

- A full hour and 15 minutes into the show, the second wrestling match happened: Angelina Love vs. Madison Rayne. Shortly into the match, Sky came out with a completely new wardrobe. She was cheering on Rayne and arguing with Love. That was the story of the match, really. Love was pissed that Velvet wasn't helping her. Sky was screaming that Rayne is still their friend or something. Then, as if from nowhere, Sky kicked Rayne in the gut and gave her a DDT on the floor. The Beautiful People are "back in full effect", Taz tells us. Ladies of TNA beware.

- ODB found Eric Young and asked if he was ready for his match with Joe tonight. Young was good and pissed, seemingly ready for it. Then ODB said he needs to remember he's got the heavyweight title match next week and Young, I kid you not, said he doesn't care about the belt and it's not about that.

Editorial break: This show is unreal. Knux ran out on his family to chase his dream and his family lost everything in the floods, apparently. Finally we get the second match of the show and it's a bad Knockouts bad featuring a predictable turn that wasn't executed all that well and featured Sky making herself look even worse than she already did, which was unbelievably bad to begin with after the Chris Sabin ordeal. Then Young doesn't give a shit about winning the heavyweight title? Then again the champ, Magnus, is just throwing matches. Fuck this show.

- Kenny King found MVP in a back room. King wanted to know who he would be working with tonight. MVP said things got crazy tonight so he'll make sure he has something for him next week.

- Samoa Joe vs. Eric Young was next. I'll be damned if this wasn't a good match. They went back-and-forth with the finish coming when Joe choked Young unconscious. After, though, Earl Hebner came down to explain to his son, who reffed the match, that Joe's shoulders were down with Young on top of him. That should have been counted instead of focusing on whether or not Young could answer three arm pick ups. They just refuse to book a clean match. They just refuse it.

- They went back out to the woods. EC3 found some of Spud's attire on a stick and he delivered the cheesiest line in history: "You're right, Spud. We never leave a man behind." Then he threw his coat off and went rushing into a cabin.

- Mike Tenay told us Samuel Shaw has been suspended for a week for something that happened last week. Now they have footage of it. Shaw walked into a dressing room with Christy Hemme and got in her face. She started crying and kept asking him to leave. Finally, she slapped him in the face. He said he just wanted one thing, and grabbed a piece of her hair before leaving. She broke down. Then they announced Shaw vs. Mr. Anderson for next week.

Editorial break: Are you fucking kidding me?

- Another video ran for Gunner and Storm, this one showing Storm turning on Gunner and costing him the heavyweight title. Then they replayed the angle from last week when Storm broke a beer bottle over Gunner's dad's head.

- Finally, it was main event time. Christy Hemme, by the way, was the ring announcer for this, so I guess she can "do this anymore". The psychology, at least, was good right away. Gunner was eager to get to Storm and they were going insane battling it out on the ramp. Once they got to the ring, they went about the arduous task of beating the ever loving shit out of each other. Considering the feud, this was great. In fact, these two have been doing awesome work in the midst of a pile of shit, despite some dumb decisions within the program. Lot of good high spots in the match, like a spear from the ring apron to a table on the outside. They treated it like a big time match, with Gunner at one point kicking out of two consecutive Last Call superkicks. The crowd legitimately chanted "this is awesome" after that. The finish saw Gunner beat Storm to the punch with a beer bottle shot and the fireman's carry facebuster. Damn good match.

- EC3 was in the cabin and screaming out for Jeff Hardy. Oh, that's right it's Willow now and not Hardy. He walked into a different room and found Spud tied up on a bed. Then we heard echos. EC3 kept asking for Willow to show himself. Finally, he magically appeared behind Carter and beat him down quick with that laugh before leaving an umbrella and disappearing into the night day. Carter's response: "You want to play games? GAME ON!" Spud was just crying on the couch for all this.

Final editorial break: I just can't even.

End.