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Impact Wrestling results, review, & video (April 5, 2018): Redeem this, dummies

Impact Wrestling returned last night (April 5) from the Impact Zone in Orlando, Florida.

Road to Redemption

Last night’s episode of IMPACT Wrestling was all about setting the stage for their April 22 PPV, Redemption. Each match and segment either fleshed out or began storylines that are sure to culminate at Redemption.

Now, you may be saying – isn’t that what a regular wrestling show is supposed to do? Well, yes, but IMPACT has a very limited amount of live PPV’s nowadays, so this build seems fresh. Even the segments that began as simple match ups ultimately evolved into story building moments, which made for a fun, impactful (hehe) show.

The only thing to survive Armageddon is a S’Wolverine

The show began with an in ring promo by Bobby Lashley. Last week Bobby was pinned by Brian Cage and that’s not sitting well with Lashley. He lamented that when new comers show up to the IMPACT zone they all set their eyes on him because he’s “top of the food chain.” He then called Cage out stating that Cage’s win over him was a fluke. Cage, naturally, answered the call – here to prove that The Machine is no fluke.

I really love this feud and I’m sad that Lashley is gone. I believe this is Lashley’s last appearance on IMPACT and that’s too bad. Cage and Lashley have great chemistry in the ring and frankly it’s awesome to see two giant dudes not only wrestle, but wrestle well. Both Cage and Lashley can do things that men their size should not be able to do!

Lashley, in his last moments of heel work, hits Cage with a low blow, which takes him down for a bit letting Lashley take control. He doesn’t have control for long, however, because Cage ties Lashley up in the corner, superkicks him, drops him in an electric chair, suplexes him and nails him with a Death Valley driver. Lashley to his credit, kicked out and looked strong as hell because of it, but eventually Cage gets the upper hand, finishes Lashley with a drill claw and it’s over.

While it’s sad to see Lashley go, this feud coupled with Cage’s weeks of squash matches has really set Cage up to be a formidable force in IMPACT. Despite what I said earlier, Cage is the one guy it seems that doesn’t have a clear match up for Redemption, so it’ll be interesting to see what happens with his story going forward.

You wouldn’t like this Bunny when she’s angry

The IMPACT women’s champion, Allie, isn’t know for her temper, but boy was she hot tonight!

“Guys, I’m really, really mad right now!”

Why is Allie so mad? Well, Su Yung has been a deceased bee in her bonnet the past couple weeks and under the advice of her mentor Allie is calling her out. She even swore!

Su Yung answered Allie’s call to the ring, but before she could bite her tongue off and bleed all over her dress (that’s what she does right?) Allie nails Su in the back with a drop kick and sends her to the outside. The bell rings and we have a match!

Allie is in control for the beginning of the match, but when she fails to hit the best superkick ever Su takes control and really does a number on Allie! But Allie is the champ for a reason and when Su tries to use her kendo stick, Allie knocks it out of her hand, drives Su’s head in the corner and then suplexes her into another corner. Man, I love when Allie gets brutal.

But before Allie can pick up her much-deserved win, who should come out but poor ole Braxton Sutter. This guy. *face palm*

Allie, naturally, is pissed to see this loser to, but although she was momentarily distracted she still manages to hit Su Yung with a code breaker.

Su Yung must already be dead because she kicked out of the code breaker! Shocked Allie tried again with the best superkick ever only to be thwarted by IMPACT’s number one chump, Braxton Sutter.

Sonjay Dutt on commentary – who is honestly just the freakin’ best – even said, “I am done with this guy Josh!”

Me too, Sonjay. Me too.

Su tries to hit Allie with the kendo stick again only to have the ref (finally) intervene. Well, don’t tell an undead bride what to do! She pushes him and proceeds to hit Allie with the stick. The match is ruled and DQ and Su Yung goes to town on Allie while Mr. No Charisma, Braxton Sutter claps. Allie is left broken and beaten in the ring and Su Yung once again walks out victorious.

Su Yung has never really been my cup of tea, and I was worried that at least her look was too like Rosemary’s to work, but this match really solidified this feud for me.

Su Yung is the perfect foil for Allie. If (when) Allie wins over Su Yung she will be vindicated as the champ. Also, then maybe she can face someone without a crazy bride gimmick.

Let’s dance in Valhalla

Speaking of Rosemary, she called Taya out “once and for all” in a creepy backstage segment. She challenged Taya to a “Demon’s Dance” match next week on IMPACT. No rules, no DQ’s just brutality!

Can I get a #FightForever chant please?

Why Josh? Why?

While Sonjay is killing it on commentary we still do have to deal with commentator, Spiritual Guru and “trained” wrestler Josh Mathews.

In a back-stage interview, Josh blamed Austin Aries for ruining his life and taking away his Grand Championship – which means more to him than his wife and dog. He even said he hated him! Not so enlightened if you asked me.

He then seemed to remember that he was a “trained” wrestler and called Petey Williams out, challenging him to a match next week. To which Matt Sydal simply said, “Namaste.”

To give credit where credit is due (even though it kills me), Josh was really funny in this segment. His role as Matt’s spiritual guru is so stupid it’s working. And unlike all of Josh’s beef on commentary with Borash - which was UNBEARABLE. So much yelling – his heel commentary work with Sonjay has been great. Again, Sonjay is the best and makes everything, even terrible Josh Mathews, better.

I can’t wait for Petey to Canadian destroy Josh.

Fat shaming is what all the cool kids are doing

I guess this is just a trend in wrestling right now?

KM tricks Richard Justice into the ring only to spew a bunch – and I mean a bunch – of fat jokes. Richard Justice is a comedy wrestler, but damn. It was a lot.

Unfortunately for KM, another wrestler didn’t take so kindly to his jokes and Fallah Bahh came out to fight KM. Then Caleb and Trevor Lee came out to help KM because…shoulder shrug? Three on two. Not fair.

But don’t worry The Fixer is here.

Okay, so I did fully roll my eyes out of my head when Tyrus showed up because boy do I hate him, but again I have to swallow my pride and give Tyrus credit. He was great in this segment.

He came out. Helped to push the Cult of Lee and KM out of the ring and grabbed a mic

“I don’t like bullies. Usually the bullies have more problems than the victims.” He said.

He then proceeded to yell at a child in the audience for “bulling”, telling him he can’t say those awful things about KM and the Cult of Lee.

Apparently, this dastardly kid said KM is better known as “Sienna’s valet, than as a wrestler” and The Cult of Lee might have a chance against Tyrus “if they sat on each other shoulders.” Damn kid. Ice Cold.

My favorite part was how Trevor Lee totally fell for it and started yelling at the kid!

Tyrus – the walking contradiction.

I expect to see KM vs Tyrus at Redemption.

Which I actually think could be fun…Jesus, who am I?

Battle of the beautiful ones

Ishimori and Johnny Impact had a match. Despite having no stakes attached to it, it was pretty good. They are will suited to wrestle each other. They are both fast, are great at showy reversals and have some killer high-flying abilities. It did feel like a filler match, however. Johnny was obviously going to win, and he did.

Then Jimmy Jacobs came out.

Side bar: How smart is it to have a gimmick where you get to carry a purse? That is convenient as hell.

Kongo Kong comes out with Jimmy and without saying a word Jimmy signals to Kong to take out Johnny.

Kong sweeps Johnny off the apron and nails him with two headbutts. He gauges his face and throws Johnny in the ring. But you don’t give Johnny room to fly!! Johnny kicks Kong off the apron and corkscrews over the top.

But Jimmy has other plans. He separates the two and smiles coyly to Johnny before leaving the IMPACT zone.

This is a feud I didn’t know I needed. I’m not a huge Kongo Kong fan, but yes please to Johnny vs Jimmy. Think of the promos! I love it.

Hire better sound editors please

In the middle of the show there was this GIANT, long poorly produced video package about Austin Aries and Alberto El Patron. It was…not good.

I still like Austin Aries a lot and when he said “I’m trying to bring this company back to prominence” I believe him, and I do think that is a good angle for him. But truly, I’m just waiting for the day Alberto decides to leave. There was a moment in the segment when he said everyone always says he only talks about himself, and then proceeded to only talk about himself. Aries has goals beyond his “redemption”, Alberto is only there for himself. I hope AA wins this and sends Alberto on his way forever.

A big ole goose egg for your troubles dummy

Last week Moose challenged Eli to a match with their briefcases on the line. Whoever wins gets the other persons briefcase. As Eli has lost his only friend and tag partner (in a phone call. I’ll never get over that.) he has no choice but to say yes.

The match up between Moose and Eli started fine. They don’t have great chemistry in the ring, but one of the things I love about Eli is how he is able to maintain his character through out any match up. Everything he does drips with arrogance and it’s perfect.

Moose dominates the first half but gets pushed into the ring post by Eli. Eli and Moose trade control back and forth – Eli with the eye poke, Moose smashing Eli into the turnbuckle. Basic stuff.

Then everything falls apart when Eli ducks a discus clothes line and Moose nails the ref. The ref is out cold. No one know what’s happening and OVE choses this moment to strike.

They attack Moose and set him up to get hit with the bat. Eddie comes out to save moose and beats up on Sami. Their feud continues.

Eli, however, uses that big ole brain of his and hits moose with the baseball bat. The ref recovers, begins a count and oops – Moose kicks out. I’m guessing on “pure instinct” because one gravy train later and Moose is done for.

Eli has both cases. I honestly didn’t see that coming. Poor Moose, always so close to the gold.

I would give this week’s episode of IMPACT a B+

There was a lot of variety, new match ups and some interesting story lines. I would’ve given it an A, but that AA/Patron segment was too long and trash.

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