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Impact Wrestling results, review, video (June 29, 2017): 15 years and still kicking

Imapct Wrestling wrapped up its India tour with the go home show to the Slammiversary 15 pay-per-view (PPV) this Sunday (July 2, 2017) and in true go home form the matches were inconsequential but the hype packages were stellar. As a former avid Impact fan and now a casual viewer, this episode did an excellent job of setting the stage for Sunday’s big PPV. The opening video sequence was a thing of beauty!

Note: I refuse to talk about Josh Matthews vs Jeremy Borash. It’s so bad. Their feud is bad. Their commentary is bad. They are bad. I just want Abyss to come back (spoiler alert: it’s happening) and murder them both with Janice.

Sign on the dotted line

I’m just going to say it: Contract signings in professional wrestling are dumb 99-percent of the time. They are useless time fillers that almost always end the same way. That being said I did not mind, and actually preferred, how Impact presented theirs.

Taped before the show (Just go with it. We know it was all taped!) and presented after the opening credits, we got to see what exactly went down in four of their Slammiversary contract signings – but only the good bits!

Sienna & Rosemary (fancily) sign the contract and Rosemary proclaims, “We will be signing your death certificate in your blood!”

Eddie & Davey (wives presumably not in India) – signed for their mixed tag full metal mayhem match. Davey then begs Eddie to “Kill me brother! It’s your one chance because if I get you at Slammiversary I am going to bury you next to your wife!” Harsh.

EC3 & Storm barely sign their contract and Storm delivers the best promo he’s had in…idk…years!

Finally, Patron & Lashley sign their contracts, but of course Patron wants to fight NOW.

In a not surprising twist a main event match is set with Davey, EC3, Lashley and Kongo Kong vs Eddie, Patron, Storm and Shera.

Contract signings are dumb, but if we’re going to do them let’s do four in five minutes.

X-Division Reborn (Trevor Lee & Low Ki vs Matt Sydal & Sonjay Dutt)

If you had told me 6 months ago that the X-Division would be fire I would have laughed in your face. For so long the division had felt stale. Even with my boy Trevor Lee!

Not anymore!

The chemistry between Dutt and Low Ki is palpable – they’ve literally shed each other’s blood for that title. Low Ki is maybe the most terrifying person on the planet and Dutt is a great counter measure to that. For every hard-hitting stomp Low Ki delivers, Dutt is there to answer it with a clever reversal or a high-flying attack.

Add Matt Sydal to the mix and of course my boy Trevor Lee and you have one fun, high energy, brutal match. Sonjay and Sydal win after Sydal hits Lee with a beautiful Air Bourne.

Leaving Low Ki with more resentment toward the champ headed into Slammiversary and solidifying Sydal as the next X-Division challenger.

Meow you like me now? Eli Drake & Christopher Adonis VS Mumbai Cats

Pretty straight forward squash. Eli and Adonis handily lay the smackdown on the Mumbai Cats. So much so that Eli makes a point of pulling one of the cat’s shoulders off the mat before the three count just to drive home the win with an Eli Drop. Classic Eli showing off move.

I love Eli and am always happy to see him win (even against cats), but it does feel like he was saddled with this Adonis guy. It’s sadly too predictable to be entertaining. Bring back the dummy button!!

A thing that we’re doing – A Mumbai Street Fight (Spud vs Swoggle with referee Kumar)

I hate myself for saying this, but this was the match of the night for me. It was just so EXTRA. I loved it.

The match begins with Swoggle being thrown from the ring. He then finds some powered chalk and turns Spud into a pretty rainbow.

Dazed and confused Spud heads to the tron only to have Swoggle follow and throw golf balls(?) at him. Stupidly, Swoggle starts to celebrate, but oh no big mistake trash can to your face! Swoggle took that trash can spot like a champ!

More silliness. An *almost* table spot. Spud gets Swoggle down and grabs a mic.

In a beautifully tragic moment of self-reflection and epic projection Spud yells, “I got a message for you. This is a big man’s business. You’re nothing. I hate you. The wrestlers hate you. The crowd hates you. The internet hates you.” Oh Spud, call your therapist.

Of course, Spud pushes Ref Kumar because he’s a little person. How dare a little person talk to such a big man like Spud? The ref fights back and Spud accidentally takes his pants off because I guess that’s a thing in this story line? Never fear because Kumar did not come to play – SPEAR on Spud.

Swoggle depants Spud. Swoggle and Kumar hit a Doomsday Device and Swoggle tosses Spud like trash into the table with a great Samoan Drop.

Swoggle wins. Spud is lying in his panties cross eyed and selling like a mf’er.

I’m not saying it was a perfect match, but it kinda was.

Let’s mix it up! (LVN/KM/Sienna vs Rosemary/Allie/Sutter)

Just like contract signings mixed tag matches are dumb 99% of the time. It’s basically two different matches disguised as one.

This one, however, was way better than I predicted. Mostly because no one really gave a toss about the rules.

The fight starts in chaos – everyone fighting everyone- but quickly turns in to a regular man vs man match with the women on the outside. It’s solid wrestling between Sutter and Km, but it’s nothing to get excited about. Then the women come in.

First, it’s Rosemary and Laurel. (Side note: I still can’t believe Laurel got this jilted bride gimmick over, but she did and it is amazing.) Rosemary is obviously going over on Laurel and just before she can pin her Sienna breaks up the count.

Then insanity ensues and everyone yells “Screw the rules!” (they don’t) and all start fighting.

Rosemary goes to mist Sienna. Sienna pushes Laurel into the mist. Sienna sets Rosemary up for her finish. Rosemary slips out. Allie hits Sienna with a code breaker leaving Rosemary to pin Laurel.

I think the reason this match worked was because it was a mess. Instead of it feeling like two separate matches everyone was fighting all the time. There was never a moment with the opposite gender tagged in and the match “restarted”.

It was chaos and it was fun. Plus, at the end Rosemary patted Sutter on the head. Good boy.

Main Event or whatever (Davey/EC3/Lashley/Kong vs Eddie/Storm/Patron/Shera)

What can I say? This match was predictable, long, and boring. The only good part — aside from EC3 dancing — was, shockingly, Shera.

All the baddies have their entrances and Shera is the first to enter for the faces. Sadly for him, heels gonna heel and he gets taken out with nasty cannon ball and chair splash from Kong. Turning this 4-on-4 into 3-on-4 situation.

Once the match begins it’s a lot of back and forth – no heel wanted to face his face opponent. No one will face their opponent.

Then wrestling happened. It was fine – essentially mini matches setting up for Slammiversary.

Until Shera came back like superman and gave the Indian audience (who drank all the energy drinks) the ending to the tour they deserved.

Shera single handedly takes out Davey, EC3, Lashley and even dropped Kong! But then Patron had to ruin it and set up a terrible looking Tree of Woe with Kong.

Good guys win….yay?

Dear wrestling promoters. Stop ding 3on3 or 4on4 matches before the ppv because you can’t be bothered to think of anything else. K?

Overall rating: Solid B

Your moment of zen

In El Patron’s video hype package, he calls himself humble. LOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOL into infinity until I am dead.

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