Professional wrestling is as much about talking as it is about actual wrestling. We'll gladly watch men or women duke it out in the middle of a ring in venues across the globe, but we need a reason to care beyond "hey, this should be a good pro wrestling match between these pro wrestlers".
So we get promos from said wrestlers telling us exactly why we should care. Sometimes they hit (big) and sometimes they miss (badly). In this weekly feature, we'll deliver a few promos from the week that was, complete with text and video (if available) of the best and the worst.
Let's do THISSSS.
Paige is really angry at Naomi for bumping into her on SmackDown:
"It wasn't just a misunderstand, she hit me from behind, Tom. Her and Cameron they keep punking me out, they keep hitting me from behind. They think I'm just a fluke and I'm sick of it. None of this is a fluke, I am not just a fluke, I'm a fighter and this Sunday I am putting my championship on the line. And I will, I will defeat Naomi, okay? I respect her, I respect everything about her but what she did out there was unfair and I refuse to take that on the chin. So I will see her Sunday at Money in the Bank and I will win, I promise you that. And it won't be a fluke."
This is what happens when WWE decides it needs to add some spice to a match-up, so instead of Paige and Naomi respecting each other and simply working to achieve their career goals, namely winning and/or retaining the Divas championship, they have to be mad at each other too.
You know, even if they don't actually have a good reason to.
It's pretty bad when Tom Phillips is like "but it was clearly a misunderstanding" and Paige's best response is to be like "nah, shut up, I'm really mad at her now, how dare she bump into me like that".
Enzo Amore is back and he's got plenty to say:
"First of all... Ba da boom, realest guys in the room. And I gotta be honest with you: I didn't have no plans on coming back tonight. As a matter of fact, I defied doctor's orders cause I couldn't leave my man Big Cass hanging on a wire like clothes out to dry. Yeah, whatever. Bottom line is he was outnumbered. Those two french guys? They got no backbone. They're S-A-W-F-T, SAWFT. They're Poodles, that's right, they're Poodles. And Big Cass is a Great Dane. And I'm about as quick as a cat, fast as a feline, and I ain't lying. But I swear I'm such a dog I'm a Shih Tzu, I'm a Pit Bull, I'm a Jack Russell, I'm a Lhasa Apso, I'm a Teacup Chihuahua. But it's not the size of the dog in the fight it's the fight in the dog. And you're all bark."
I feel like I"m supposed to hate this guy with the heat of 1,000 suns but I can't. I could listen to him talk all day.
Hulk Hogan's message to the Men's U.S. Soccer team:
"YO, MANIACS. WWE SUPERSTAR HULK HOGAN HERE. YOU KNOW, I SAW MY IMAGE CIRCULATING ALL OVER SOCIAL MEDIA YESTERDAY, AND I JUST WANT TO WISH THE MEN'S U.S. SOCCER TEAM GOOD LUCK WHEN THEY POUND GERMANY DOWN. AND BY THE WAY, GERMANY, WHAT CHA GONNA DO WHEN THE MEN'S U.S. SOCCER TEAM RUN WILD ON YOU?"
I don't know a damn thing about soccer -- go ask our friend Matt Roth if you want to know -- but the World Cup is a really big deal and Hogan's image was circulating in relation to the U.S. team trying to advance in the tournament. So, of course, The Hulkster and WWE teamed up for a quick video to make a buck on it.
Get it how you can, I guess.
Just turn your phone next time.
Stephanie McMahon is one, she is all, she's above and beyond:
"Vickie, for nine years you've been riding the coattails of your late husband Eddie Guerrero. We took pity on you. We couldn't make you a Diva so therefore we allowed you to be a General Manager. But quite frankly, you couldn't even do that right. And you know what, maybe Eddie deserves that respect Vickie but you don't. ... You don't want her to beg? No? I do. Sorry, I want to see that. Let's see, Vickie, how much do you want it? Come on, let me see you beg. Come on, Vickie. On your knees, Vickie. Beg. Come on, beg, I said. Beg me! Get up; you're pathetic. You can't even do that right, Vickie. You're like a cockroach or some kind of twinkie, I can't even get rid of you, it's like you never expire."
Heat or not, I still don't like the idea of saying these things straight to Vickie Guerrero's face the night she was leaving the company for good. For starters, Stephanie isn't telling any lies here, she's just being brutally honest in a super demeaning way.
That said, there is no performer in pro wrestling who can touch her right now. That line after the Eddie chant wasn't scripted. That's all her.
Dean Ambrose had big plans for the Money in the Bank briefcase:
"I knew it, I knew he would. He didn't really have a choice because I was going to show up in Boston anyway. I already kind of made that clear. I would just go ahead and walk up that ladder after pummeling Seth Rollins half to death, grab that briefcase, take it to downtown Boston, sell it at a pawn shop if they didn't go ahead and just put me in that match. So that's what's best for business. Smart decision by Triple H.
"You know what was a bad decision by Triple H? Getting on my bad side and making an enemy for life of Dean Ambrose. I never liked Triple H. I always had respect for him as a competitor but I never really liked him... He was in Evolution, I was in The Shield. But now, he's got an enemy for life; Seth Rollins has an enemy for life, and that's bad. Your life changes when I am your enemy. It's just going to keep getting worse for them.
"I'M GOING TO MONEY IN THE BANK, TOM!
"How's Triple H going to explain this? How's Triple H going to explain to the WWE Universe, to his investors... how's Triple H going to explain to his wife that scumbag Dean Ambrose is holding a contract for a world heavyweight championship shot. God, that really looks bad for the company doesn't it. I'm sure he'll figure it out because he's our boss and he knows what's best for business."
This man is already a legend.
Editor's note: Somehow I forgot this promo, probably because this idea for a feature only came to me today and I wanted to get it up and out there before tonight's Money in the Bank pay-per-view. Such outrageous miscarriages of justice will never happen again, this much I promise you.
That's it for this week in promos.
Until next time.