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Stokely Hathaway is suing Kris Statlander for $1.7 billion

Kris Statlander is in hot water after physically assaulting Stokely Hathaway. She thought it would be cute fun to slap him across the back of the head on her way to the ring last week on Rampage.

The joke’s on Statlander, because Hathaway announced a lawsuit seeking $1.7 billion in damages. Hathaway held a press conference to break the news. As for how he arrived to that astronomical amount, it seems that Keith Lee is to blame.

Stokely Hathaway: Breaking news. I would like to announce that I am suing Kristin Statlander for 1.7 billion dollars.

Reporters: Ahhh, oh my god.

Hathaway: Yeah, yeah, any questions?

Reporter 1: Stokely, Stokely, over here. I have a question for you. Don’t you think it makes you look kind of bad to your peers and your coworkers that you’re suing this woman that you’ve been antagonizing on TV for so long?

Hathaway: Next question.

Reporter 1: Follow up question. Stokely, over here. How’d you come up with that ridiculous, insane number?

Hathaway: Well, it’s deeply personal, but I was in catering earlier today. And Keith Lee was, he was eating some Pop Rocks, and he was tearing them shits up. He went past the fruits and veggies and went straight to the snacks. That’s the last thing he should be doing. Anyway, I digress.

He was killing them shits. And every time I heard a pop, it just reminded me of Kris slapping me upside the head. So, there’s a lot of trauma I’m dealing with right now. So, anyway, next question.

Reporter 2: Mr. Hathaway, Mr. Hathaway.

Hathaway: Yeah.

Reporter 2: What are you going to do with all this money?

Hathaway: Probably go and, you know, give back to the community. You know, go to Louis Vuitton, buy something for Jade (Cargill) and the Baddies. Buy a new car. Get some new OnlyFan subscriptions. And, get a pitbull.

Reporter 2: You like dogs?

Hathaway: I’m talking about the Pitbull, man. Have enough money I can own him. And guess what I’m going to do. I’ll make him stop rapping.

End of press conference! It’s over. I’m going home.

As of now, there has been no public comment from Pitbull about Hathaway’s plans. Hathaway better be careful or else he might find himself on the bad side of Chris Jericho. Pitbull and the Wizard have a common fondness. Fireball!

Assuming Stokely Hathaway wins the lawsuit, how else would you like to see him spend his $1.7 billion?