I know this isn’t explicitly wrestling related, but I feel it necessary to write given what happened after I wrote the first part of this, even if it’s hard not to be emotional writing about myself and my vulnerabilities like this in a way I don’t usually do. As with last time, massive trigger warning: this entire piece is about my ongoing mental struggles and complete emotional breakdown.
I just want to start with a sincere thank you for the support and encouragement I received after admitting to my demons and when I needed to take personal time off to deal with my emotional and mental state. It means everything to receive that type of kindness, especially for me with the way my breakdown occurred. Even with as hard as this is to write, as someone who had spent 7 years priding themselves on keeping things protected and trying to always internalize issues, I wrote this because I feel it necessary to talk, especially with the industry of pro wrestling, about how important dealing with these kinds of demons is and to log this for myself in the future to see how much I’ve changed and grown. Now as hard and as challenging as it feels like to do so, we should get into what happened.
Even before I wrote the initial post of this to talk about my struggles, my state of mind was already fragile. I had just started my latest college semester, first semester mostly on-campus at this current university given I transferred during the pandemic, and it was causing a lot of mental struggles and a bout of imposter syndrome early. Then I wrote the post and began slipping further after being so much more vulnerable than I’m used to being, especially with memories of my relationship with my ex, which brought back tons of regrets I’ve spent years trying to push away. This, combined with a pretty horrific bout of self-hatred I’m not fully recovered from led to the worst emotional breakdown I’ve ever had. This was all combined by my mind realizing all the what ifs I’d thought of dealing with both my relationship and subsequent unrequited love for one of my best friends at the time, which ended far worse by being told that all I did was cause drama and the friendship wasn’t worth that. I’ve yet to find peace on that front and don’t think I will. As for the what ifs, my mind believed that all of these scenarios probably ended the same way: no matter what, I’d end up broken hearted and kicked in the ass, which further shot my already near broken state into full on destroyed. It’s why I sometimes put up the arrogant bravado I do and why for years I’ve thrown myself into work and projects, like all the things I started here and bailed on, it’s to protect myself from that level of heartbreak happening again. I realize at this point how unhealthy that mentality is, but it made sense for the last 6 years I’ve been this way. It helped me achieve some form of peace, until it didn’t.
As for the now, I’m better at least. There’s still lingering demons, the self-hatred is still there, and I’m not sure whenever or even if that will go away. There are points I have control over it, and points like last week where it’s anything but. There are often times I like to dream of the happiness of the day that I can look and think of myself and not have some form of doubt or hatred involved. Things like writing all of these feelings down are important for me since writing has been a solace of mine since my struggles mentally began.
I would like to also link a video that feels like a connection to a lot of my struggles and something that helped me out immensely from a favorite YouTube channel of mine in CrystAAHHL, just a fair warning it’s a very, very difficult watch: https://youtu.be/_xCZPlTYbDs
The final thing I want to say is another round of sincere gratitude for all the support I got for everything. Even if I don’t repay it sometimes, just know that I teared up at all the love, never in a million years did I think I’d have this much impact in anything I did.