Mama’s Got a Nasty Little Secret

RAW Women’s Championship
Asuka (c) vs. Lacey Evans (?)

Tonight was supposed to be Lacey Evans’ big night. After weeks of manipulating Ric Flair, antagonizing Charlotte Flair, and driving me personally insane, she finally was going to get her shot at the RAW women’s championship. Her “hard work” was finally going to pay off!

Except, oopsie! Those Georgia sex-ed classes really did a doozy on her, and The Sassy Southern Belle just plum forgot that you can’t wrestle if you’re pregnant!

Except she’s still listed as Asuka’s challenger for her title...

The Road to Elimination Chamber

If you haven’t been watching RAW weekly (congratulations on having self-respect), then you may be wondering to yourself, “what the f&*$ is happening?”

That is the correct response.

In a misguided attempt to explain this extremely misguided storyline, we begin all the way back in late January. (Sure, it was just a few weeks ago, but you have to admit it does feel like a lifetime.)

Hall of Famer, legend and father of the superior wrestler Charlotte Flair, Ric Flair was feeling kind of sad because no one was paying attention to him, so he thought, “Hey! I’ll go support my daughter and steal a little of her thunder!”

Big. Mistake.

Charlotte Flair, rightfully, did not want her dad to cramp her style, so she told him to hit the road, or she’d hit him with the road. Not to mention the fact that he kept distracting her and causing her to lose matches! GO HOME, DAD!

But you can’t keep Ole Ric Flair down, so instead of getting attention from his daughter, he decided to pursue another brawling blonde in Lacey Evans. Charlotte was not impressed with Evans and was more than a little annoyed (and creeped out) by her dad replacing her with a second-rate Charlotte wannabee.

As much as it makes me want to put a knife in my eye, I do have to give Lacey Evans credit where credit is due because she played that old man like a fiddle. She got Ric Flair to use his influence to not only frustrate Charlotte so severely that she lost focus, but in doing so, she earned herself a RAW women’s title match.

Dirtiest player in the game meet the nastiest player in the game.

After securing her title match against Asuka at Elimination Chamber (because Charlotte lost her damn mind), Lacey teamed up with her still random-as-hell tag partner Peyton Royce to take on Charlotte and Asuka in a tester tag match before the PPV.

Peyton did all of the heavy lifting during the match but eventually succumbed to the royal beatdown from The Queen & The Empress by tagging in Lacey Evans.

Then Lacey ran like a scared little girl into the arms (bleg) of Ric Flair.

Then she dropped this little bomb.

Sure, Lacey Evans may actually be pregnant, and sure, we don’t want her to wrestle and jeopardize the health of her baby but did we really have to imply so heavily that 71-year-old Ric Flair got his daughter’s co-worker pregnant because he was:

1. Mad at his daughter for being mean to him.
2. Sad that he is old and not currently in the spotlight.
3. Will be relentlessly horny until the day he gets off Space Mountain permanently.

You know, now that I type all that out, I realize that I’m disappointed but not surprised. It may be 2021, but wrestling gonna wrestle, and wrestling loves fake marriages and weird pregnancy storylines. It is known.

ALSO, OMG, WHO IS GOING TO WRESTLE ASUKA???

What’s at stake?

Besides my sanity?

This match - for being completely incomprehensible - is an essential pitstop on the road to WrestleMania. Many on ye ole Twitter, including myself, speculated that Lacey would win this match against Asuka through shenanigans and Ric Flair nonsense to win the RAW women’s title and carry it into WrestleMania. There she would face Charlotte Flair, and Charlotte Flair would once again be the RAW women’s champion without having to book a rehash of Asuka vs. Charlotte.

But now that that can’t happen, whatever happens, tonight will be crucial in how the RAW women’s championship is booked in April.

Will they just pull a mulligan and have Charlotte beat Asuka tonight? I mean, they clearly want the belt on Charlotte, I wouldn’t put it past them to just give it to her. Clean. Simple. No pregnancies to mess around with.

Or maybe Lacey and Ric surprise everyone by naming their own replacement? If they do that, it goes one of two ways. One, they just have Peyton Royce do it, and it’s a complete filler match. Or two, they call up someone like Rhea Ripley from the NXT (and then hopefully leave them alone and not taint them with whatever gross story they want to eek out of ole Ric Flair) to challenge Asuka.

Rhea getting revenge on Charlotte for taking away her NXT championship last year? That sounds like poetic justice and an excellent way to get us out of the hell that is this storyline.

Fill your sippy cups with whiskey, and join us back here at 7 pm eastern to find out how this mess of a story plays out!