MLW Fusion: A chainsaw, stapled cojones, and urinating mischief highlighted a wild evening

MLW Fusion emanated from the Melrose Ballroom in New York City with episode 71. Feature bouts were LA Park vs Jimmy Havoc in a street fight, Austin Aries vs Ace Austin, and Mance Warner vs Ricky Martinez. The episode also included a stapler to the balls, a chainsaw, and urine hijinks.

On to a recap and review of the show...

Ole Mancer has a chainsaw sponsorship

Mance Warner cut a promo telling us that he was going to test out his new sponsorship deal against Salina de la Renta. Warner will be drinking 8, 9, 10, 15 light beers then cutting down the Cuban tree Ricky Martinez. Mancer picked up a chainsaw and threatened to use it. “The saw is family, kid.”

Ricky Martinez vs Mance Warner

Salina de la Renta introduced Ricky Martinez as, “The greatest wrestler in the history of Cuban sports.” Here’s a pre-show promo from Mance Warner that didn’t air.

Martinez kicked the middle rope between Warner’s legs as Warner was entering the ring to start the bout. Martinez controlled the pace, but Warner wasn’t feeling any pain. Martinez went for covers off a cutter and a double knee facebreaker.

Warner turned the tide by headbutting a high flying Martinez. Warner went to his trademark knee pad up, knee pad down, dramatic pause, running knee. He then crushed Martinez with a huge lariat to win.

After the match, Warner celebrated with a beer, while Salina berated Martinez. Salina got in Warner’s face to poke him in the chest, slap him, and spit at him. Warner responded by spraying beer out of his mouth, but Salina moved out of the way and it drenched Martinez instead. Warner then smashed the can on Martinez’s head.

Lifestyles of the Rich and Dynastic

Richard Holliday was taking in the view of a Las Vegas penthouse suite while wearing a robe, drinking Scotch, and smoking a cigar. The Dynasty is considered the greatest fighters in the world, because they all have championship gold. They have been living like the stars that they are in Los Angeles and now Las Vegas. A lady entered the room off screen. Holliday began undoing his robe as he said, “My god, you look good.”

Marshall Von Erich health update

Marshall Von Erich provided an update on his ocular health after being sprayed in the eyes with red mist from the Contra Unit’s newest member, Ikuro Kwan. Even though his vision is still impaired, Marshall will be at War Chamber fighting with his brother. He’ll also be bringing the general Kevin Von Erich (his father). Marshall won’t let Contra get away with this and will not let Texas down.

La vida te da sorpresas

Salina de la Renta had a live interview with Rich Bocchini. She refused to answer if Ricky Martinez was still employed with Promociones Dorado after his latest loss. Konnan walked on screen to taunt her about her lost iPhone in his possession. Konnan reiterated that she will be fulfilling his three non-negotiable demands before he returns the phone.

H2tv

Teddy Hart was smoking a Backwoods cigar in the bathroom with his cat, Mr. Velvet. Brian Pillman Jr. entered wearing Alexander Hammerstone’s red leather jacket, which was stolen last week. Hart said that the jacket looks like a litter box for his cats. He ripped on the Dynasty’s fashion and Richard Holliday’s tight pants. Scene cut to Pillman peeing on Hammerstone’s jacket.

Ace Austin vs Austin Aries

Rich Bocchini and Tony Schiavone had some Austin vs Austin banter and also provided a statistic that Ace wins 90% of his matches that extend beyond ten minutes in duration. Interesting.

This bout was a competitive affair. Aries controlled early with mat work and experience to outsmart Ace. Aries had a nifty flailing flying elbow strike into Ace’s back.

Ace grabbed the momentum by using a card trick. He removed a playing card from his trunks then handed it to Aries. In that moment of confusion, Ace struck. Ace continued with some flashy maneuvers.

The two battled back and forth. Aries was in charge after a suicide dive. Back in the ring, Ace tried another trick. He attempted to use his collapsible cane to poke Aries in the balls, but Aries caught the cane. While the referee was busy throwing the cane away, Ace low-blowed Aries. Aries kicked out of a roll-up. Ace ran to attack Aries, but Aries countered right into a brainbuster finish to win.

After the match, Aries cut a promo in the ring. For the past 20 years, people have been talking about Austin Aries. Some of it is true. A lot of it is complete bullshit. Aries is calling the next chapter of his career “The Reveal” to show his true self. To be taken seriously, he needs gold. That means he’s coming for Teddy Hart’s Middleweight Championship.

Cat piss jacket

The cameraman ambushed the Dynasty with questions as they were walking in the parking lot. The focus was Alexander Hammerstone and his red leather jacket. The few things Hammer cares about in this world are his Dynasty bros, his Hogan tan, his National Openweight(lifting) Championship, his Rolex watch, and his custom leather jackets. Aria Blake came over to return Hammer’s jacket that was left at the front desk. Hammerstone took a whiff and it smelled like cat piss. He threw his stinky jacket into the grass out of frustration.

NYC Street Fight: Jimmy Havoc vs LA Park

This bout was put together by Konnan as one of his three demands for Salina de la Renta to get her iPhone back. Ring announcer Tim Barr set the mood, “The following bout is set for one fall, and it is a sttttrrrreeeet FIGHT!”

LA Park was playing a steel chair like a guitar, so Jimmy Havoc mocked him. Park did not appreciate that and whacked Havoc with the chair when his back was turned. Havoc surprisingly broke out some wrestling moves by doing three arm drags and a suicide dive.

The two wrestlers brawled on the floor with the use of foreign objects: chairs, a trash can, mini cookie sheets, and wooden boards. Back in the ring, Havoc landed a flying double stomp to Park, who was lying in a chair and wood sandwich. The next huge move was Park with a running dropkick into wood in front of Havoc’s face as he was stuck in the tree of woe.

On the floor, Park set up wood on chairs. Park placed Havoc on top of the wood. Park jumped off the top turnbuckle, but Havoc moved and Park crashed into the wood. The fight continued with a superplex from Havoc. Havoc grabbed a staple gun to use three times. Once in the head, once in the chest, and once in the balls.

The finishing sequence began with Havoc using a drop toehold to send Park into three chairs in the corner. Park returned the favor with a powerslam onto the chairs. Havoc kicked out at two. Park went up top for a corkscrew moonsault. Watch the big man fly!

Park then speared Havoc into the chairs. 1, 2, 3. Park was the victor.

After the match, Havoc offered a handshake to Park. Park reluctantly accepted after Salina demanded it. I can’t say I blame Park after being stapled in the testicles. Salina got on the mic to say how Promociones Dorado doesn’t let anybody stop them. She is unstoppable. Not by Konnan, not by Mance Warner, not even by the heavyweight champion.

Mance Warner’s music hit. He came through the crowd with his chainsaw to chase away the bad guys.

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Episode 71 of MLW Fusion was a rollicking good time. Mance Warner and Ricky Martinez had a nice little bout of fisticuffs, although it ended a bit abruptly. Austin Aries and Ace Austin had a solid match for wrestling enthusiasts to enjoy. LA Park and Jimmy Havoc destroyed their bodies once again in an entertaining hardcore duel.

I like how there were two different stories playing out during the show. Mance Warner chasing Promociones Dorado was good for action, while the Hart Foundation soiling Alexander Hammerstone’s jacket was good for giggles.

Chainsaw Mancer is a hoot. I’m glad that thing is never actually turned on. That would be a disaster waiting to happen. At some point though, I would really enjoy seeing Warner go crazy sawing stuff in an outside scene.

I’d cheer for Brian Pillman Jr. in a feud with Hammerstone, but Pillman needs to get steamrolled as soon as possible next time they see each other. Hammerstone hammering Pillman only seems fitting after peeing on his jacket. I wouldn’t even feel bad for Pillman.

The move of the night was LA Park’s corkscrew moonsault. That was pretty darn cool to see the hefty man fly like that. His weight gives it extra oomph upon impact.

One line that stuck out to me was Salina de la Renta saying even the heavyweight champ could not stop her. Perhaps it was phrased that way as to not spoil the winner of Jacob Fatu versus Tom Lawlor, but I take it as a shot calling out the Contra Unit. Contra and Promociones Dorado have more or less steered clear from one another, except on one occasion when Contra beat up Low Ki. With LA Park’s golden ticket for a championship shot, I’d love it to be against Jacob Fatu. That would be a true dream match between bulldozing hosses.

What was your favorite moment from episode 71 of MLW Fusion? Did you prefer the mat action of Austin vs Austin or the hardcore style of Park vs Havoc? Who would you pick in faction warfare between Promociones Dorado and the Contra Unit?

MLW Fusion airs on beIN SPORTS and PlayStation Vue Saturday nights at 9 pm ET / 6 pm PT. New episodes are posted on YouTube Mondays at 7 pm ET. Fusion is also broadcast in the UK, Ireland, Israel, and Africa.