FanPost

Raw "Abridged": SSP edition

NOTES:

- I don't expect this to be anywhere near as good as bear's (or really that good at all)

- I may bring back some stuff, some may be gone

- This is kind of a tryout, if it's not popular, then I might not continue

- I'm probably going to be more focused on SmackDown, this is just an audition

- It's also kinda sorta not really as abridged

- It's also a little unorganized

It's WWE's generic intro

DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH LESNAR LESNAR LESNAR LESNAR

HEYMAN: "Lesnar's champ and I'm his fwiend. I told you Lesnar would win."

LESNAR: SWINGING INTENSIFIES

HEYMAN: "Boo yourselves."

CROWD: "That's reasonable. BOOOOOOOOOO!"

HEYMAN: "I told you all Rollins wouldn't be defending at SummerSlam and to line up a challenger. Not like they had one for Rollins. I'm the big cheese for Raw and Lesnar's getting a battle royale! Lesnar does whatever he wants."

LESNAR: "I'm going to get a real boombox next week."

HEYMAN: "Whoever wins the royale dies at SummerSlam!"

LESNAR: "Yeah."

HEYMAN: "Rollins! Orton! Big E! Cesaro!"

BLACK: "Am I a joke to you?"

HEYMAN: "Strowman! Mysterio! Corbin!"

SSP: "No more chances. I think you added a word there."

HEYMAN: "Zayn! Lashley! Roman Reigns!"

LESNAR: "I hate that guy."

HEYMAN: "New spoiler! You'd die and lose your manhood if you faced him. I'm going to flip this microphone!"

HEYMAN proceeds to flip his microphone into space

KARS: "Oh, hello."

COLE: "We are deciding the challenger for Becky Lynch's title!"

RICOCHET: "Hey wait, not me! I'm unrelated!"

COLE: "Robert Roode and The Revival are tagging against Ricochet and The Usos."

USOS: "You thought you were done with us, but it is us, The Usos again!"

REVIVAL: "How dare you."

USO 1: "Have a superkick."

DAWSON: "Don't mind if I do."

RICOCHET: "This is a two out of three falls. Are you surprised?"

SSP: "I am indeed."

RICOCHET: "Stop chopping me, it's Roode."

HOGAN: "I'm coming next Raw, brother!"

JEY: "I think I'm Uso 2. I shall now dab."

ROODE: "Spinebuster."

REF: "I'm keeping your shirt."

JEY: "Hey wait."

JIMMY: "Am I the hot tag man?"

RICOCHET: "Yes."

JIMMY: "That's Too Cool."

DAWSON: "Second fall!"

COLE: "Find out what happens, after these commercials!"

JIMMY: "Let me have a tag bro."

WILDER: "Nope."

RICOCHET: "Yep."

JEY: "Guess what."

ORTON: "I've got a Battle Royale to prepare for, I don't have time."

CLUB: "Hey, Styles beat you at X-Treme Rules."

RICOCHET: "Prepare for a dive."

STYLES: "Don't you mean BE PREPARED?"

USOS: "Superkick party!"

INSERT CODY EAR GIF HERE

RICOCHET: "Wow, a Phenomenal Forearm! Wait, that's for me. Oh no!"

VIKINGEXPERIENCERAIDERMACHINES: "We are going to breathe MENACINGLY!"

ENTER THE JOBBERS

VIKINGEXPERIENCERAIDERMACHINES: "Die."

JOBBERS: "Sounds fair to me."

THE JOBBERS INDEED DIE

MCINTYRE: "Hey Cedric. Are you laughing at me?"

CEDRIC: "No."

MCINTYRE: "Time has come and gone for words. Also, you are going to die."

CEDRIC: "Nah, that'll be you."

MCINTYRE: "I've been bested."

Plenty of MCINTYREBEEF later

MCINTYRE: "I'm going to the top rope."

GULAK: "I thought we were Drew Brothers."

CEDRIC: "It appears you have been bested."

BALOR: "I lost to Nakamura. Club time?"

MCMAHON: "Stick to the script!"

BALOR: "I mean, I'm going to beat Samoa Joe, thanks to my math professor!"

STEINER: "He has 141 and 2/3 chance of winning at Raw-crifice!"

JOE: "I'm literally going to kill this man."

WWE HISTORY: "I'm about to end this man's whole career."

INTERVIEWER: "We have a match? Too bad! Roman time."

ROMAN: "This is my week. When I win the Battle Royale, the Universal Champion is gonna be may."

INTERVIEWER: "Thank you Roman, very cool."

BALOR: "Can I enter now?"

INTERVIEWER: "Yeah, sure. Not like I have something more important."

JOE sneakypins BALOR and attacks him after

BALOR: "This is not something I have to do. I will, however, attack you."

PRODUCTION TEAM: "YOU SHOW THE LIGHTS THAT STOP ME TURN TO STONE"

WYATT: "You owe me for TLC 2017."

BALOR: "That's fair."

DRAKE: "Yeah, give us the room under Mr. and Mrs. 24/7 Champion."

RENEE: "I can't believe you've done this."

DRAKE: "It's for protection."

RENEE: "That's fair."

TRUTH: "I'm lookin' for Hornswoggle. I have a dollar."

HOTEL GUY: "Sounds good to me. He paid me, like, 200 million dollars."

TRUTH: "Nice!"

STREET PROFITS: "Who's GONNA WIN the women's FATAL FOUR WAY!"

DAWKINS: "Is Nikki there?"

MONTEZ: "Why?"

DAWKINS: "I'm in love. She's intense."

MONTEZ: "ROLLINS WANTS THE SMOKE, ROLLINS WANTS THE SMOKE, ROLLINS WANTS THE SMOKE!"

MARIA: "I'm better than you at literally everything."

MIKE: "I'm doing the match."

MARIA: "You lie. I'm doing it."

BARON: "End of Days time."

MIKE: "Watch this!"

RYDER destroys this man.

RYDER: "I've got a new entrance theme."

MARIA: "I like it!"

ANNOUNCER: "Your winner in less than one minute, Zack Ryder!"

MIKE: "That's a bit harsh."

LUCHA HOUSE PARTY: "We've got pinatas! And a chance!"

CLUB: "Now you have neither."

RICOCHET: "Hi AJ."

KALISTDORADO: "Hi Gallows and Anderson."

STYLES: "That's not disqualification?"

METALIK: "Lucha House Party rules, man."

One Calf Crusher later

KALISTO: "I'm immediately going to tap out."

STYLES: "You think I'm going to stop?"

KALISTO: "Yes."

STYLES: "Okay."

The exact same replay of the mixed tag as last time

SARAH INTERVIEWER: "This is Seth Rollins."

ROLLINS: "I'm not champion and Lesnar bad. Lynch'll be okay. Corbin won't."

DAWKINS: "Nikki! OH YEAH!"

KOOL-AID MAN: "OH YEAH!"

MONTEZ: "What's wrong with you?"

KOOL-AID MAN: "I'm sorry. I'll go."

BECKY watches the Fatal 4-way

ROLLINS: "Told you Lynch would be back!"

NATALYA: "I dislike you because we fought 2 years ago."

NAOMI: "I agree."

NATALYA: "Don't agree with me! That's what I want you not to do!"

CARMELLA: "Pin."

NAOMI: "No."

CARMELLA: "Pin."

NATALYA: "No."

CARMELLA: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

BLISS: "You deserve this."

BLISS sneakypins CARMELLA and eliminates her

CARMELLA: "I have been bamboozled."

NAOMI: "Remember this?"

SSP: "Am I supposed to?"

BLISS

chinlock

BLISS: "Get outta here Natalya, can't you see I'm fightin' here?"

NATALYA: "Ready to surf?"

NAOMI: "Sure."

BLISS: "Pin time."

NATALYA: "Clever! But I refuse."

BLISS: "Okay."

CROSS: "Come on! I'm going to win Backgammon!"

BLISS: "Not Backgammon!"

CROWD: "THIS IS AWFUL!"

NATALYA rolls up NAOMI

NAOMI: "I'm free!"

CROWD: "BOOOOOOOOOO!"

CROSS: "If you don't start cheering for Alexa Bliss, you'll get 3 more months of Lacey Evans!"

CROWD goes silent

NATALYA: "Oops, I knocked down Nikki!"

CROWD: "LET'S GO CENA! CENA SUCKS!"

NATALYA: "Sharpshooter time."

BLISS: "I'm tired of the crowd!"

BLISS taps out

NATALYA: "I'm going back to Canada for SummerSlam! Hooray!"

BECKY: "I like you, but you can call me Bret Hart, because I'm about to beat you at SummerSlam!"

NATALYA: "Wait a minute! Did you just turn heel?"

BECKY: "I think."

NATALYA: "I'm going to show you how good of a promo I am!"

ORTON: "Remember SummerSlam 2016? Well, I'm gonna RKO that man. I'll totally win."

MIZ: "Welcome to Miz TV! With... DOLPH ZIGGLER!"

CROWD: "Okay."

DOLPH: "You suck at being a host."

MIZ: "Are you projecting? I'm happy because we are in Long Island!"

DOLPH: "You don't care about trying to be the best! Was it worth it to be a suckup? You weren't even on Extreme Rules!"

MIZ: "And you were only on there for 17 seconds!"

DOLPH: "You aren't from Long Island or Hollywood and you are a gimmick! Be real!"

The Real World intensifies

MIZ: "DON'T SAY REAL!"

DOLPH: "Your wife sucks."

MIZ gives DOLPH bonkies

MIZ: "Say it again!"

DOLPH: "No thanks."

DRAKE: "Candle time! YEOWCH! Are you ready?"

RENEE: "I'm more comfortable, you should be too!"

DRAKE is in the nude minus a belt.

CHAMPAGNE GUY: "I'm a referee!"

DRAKE: "I'm the 24/7 champion!"

HURRICANE: "And I'm the Hurricane!"

DRAKE: "Get out, both of you!"

STREET PROFITS: "Okay."

TRUTH: "Oh yeah, me too."

DRAKE: "Not you!"

TRUTH: "Me?"

DRAKE: "No, EC3, my cameraman!"

EC3: "Hi."

TRUTH: "Let me bring my phone!"

TRUTH plays the Jaws theme and gives DRAKE the small package

DRAKE: "Oh wait, I have underwear too. TRUTHHHHHHHHHH!"

RENEE: "DRAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

JOSEPH: "CAESARRRRRRRR!"

CHANCE: "I'm not sharing my Doritos."

BIG E and ZAYN enter

BURNING MAN: "BURN IT DOWN!"

ZAYN: "AHHHHHHHHHH! I'M BURNING!"

ROLLINS and LASHLEY enter

LASHLEY: "Now I have tape!"

MYSTERIO: "Is he at the end of the ramp yet?"

SHANE: "Yes."

MYSTERIO: "Why are you here?"

SHANE: "I'm everywhere."

MYSTERIO, LONG ISLAND'S FAVORITE SON, and ROMAN enter. Oh, and CESARO

REV THEORY: "I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD THEY TALK TO ME I HAVE TO BUY A WII BURN IN MY LIGHT"

ORTON enters

STROWMAN: "GET THESE HANDS!"

STROWMAN and LESNAR enter

LESNAR: "I still don't have my boombox. I paid for same-day delivery. I'm not giving him a tip."

STROWMAN punches LASHLEY in the ribs

LASHLEY: "I can't believe you've done this!"

CESARO: "Uppercut train!"

MYSTERIO: "I won the Royal Rumble!"

LASHLEY tosses out CESARO

BLACK: "HAHA!"

STROWMAN tosses out LASHLEY

CESARO: "HAHA!"

GRAVES: "A lot of beef in this ring!"

SSP: "How dare you."

ZAYN tosses out BIG E

ORTON: "Just wait for this."

ORTON tosses out ZAYN

ORTON: "Got you! And Reigns! Take this, Mysterio!"

JAKEY G.: "I said I was sorry Spider-Man!"

SPIDEY: "Liar!"

MYSTERIO 619's REIGNS and gets tossed out by LONG ISLAND'S FAVORITE SON

LONG ISLAND'S FAVORITE SON gets super-finished and gets tossed out by ROLLINS. REIGNS spears ROLLINS

ROLLINS: "I can't believe you've done this."

REIGNS: "Time for the big man elimination. You've fallen to one of the classic blunders!"

ROLLINS eliminates STROWMAN and REIGNS

ROLLINS: "I win!"

ORTON: "Fool!"

ORTON attempts to eliminate ROLLINS but fails

ORTON: "This is the best time to brag."

ROLLINS: "Nope."

ROLLINS tosses out ORTON

ORTON: "Aw man."

HEYMAN: "Your next-"

LESNAR: "And previous."

HEYMAN: "Victim, SETH ROLLINS!"

ROLLINS: "Yeah, that makes sense. But I disagree."

HEYMAN: "At least you were civil about it."

ROLLINS: "Well, have a good night."

HEYMAN: "And you as well!"

LESNAR: "I still don't have my boombox."

After the end of the show

PICCOLO: "Wait, were we on this show?"

GOHAN: "I guess not."

PICCOLO: "I guess we... dodged a bullet."

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