NOTES:
- I don't expect this to be anywhere near as good as bear's (or really that good at all)
- I may bring back some stuff, some may be gone
- This is kind of a tryout, if it's not popular, then I might not continue
- I'm probably going to be more focused on SmackDown, this is just an audition
- It's also kinda sorta not really as abridged
- It's also a little unorganized
It's WWE's generic intro
DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH LESNAR LESNAR LESNAR LESNAR
HEYMAN: "Lesnar's champ and I'm his fwiend. I told you Lesnar would win."
LESNAR: SWINGING INTENSIFIES
HEYMAN: "Boo yourselves."
CROWD: "That's reasonable. BOOOOOOOOOO!"
HEYMAN: "I told you all Rollins wouldn't be defending at SummerSlam and to line up a challenger. Not like they had one for Rollins. I'm the big cheese for Raw and Lesnar's getting a battle royale! Lesnar does whatever he wants."
LESNAR: "I'm going to get a real boombox next week."
HEYMAN: "Whoever wins the royale dies at SummerSlam!"
LESNAR: "Yeah."
HEYMAN: "Rollins! Orton! Big E! Cesaro!"
BLACK: "Am I a joke to you?"
HEYMAN: "Strowman! Mysterio! Corbin!"
SSP: "No more chances. I think you added a word there."
HEYMAN: "Zayn! Lashley! Roman Reigns!"
LESNAR: "I hate that guy."
HEYMAN: "New spoiler! You'd die and lose your manhood if you faced him. I'm going to flip this microphone!"
HEYMAN proceeds to flip his microphone into space
KARS: "Oh, hello."
COLE: "We are deciding the challenger for Becky Lynch's title!"
RICOCHET: "Hey wait, not me! I'm unrelated!"
COLE: "Robert Roode and The Revival are tagging against Ricochet and The Usos."
USOS: "You thought you were done with us, but it is us, The Usos again!"
REVIVAL: "How dare you."
USO 1: "Have a superkick."
DAWSON: "Don't mind if I do."
RICOCHET: "This is a two out of three falls. Are you surprised?"
SSP: "I am indeed."
RICOCHET: "Stop chopping me, it's Roode."
HOGAN: "I'm coming next Raw, brother!"
JEY: "I think I'm Uso 2. I shall now dab."
ROODE: "Spinebuster."
REF: "I'm keeping your shirt."
JEY: "Hey wait."
JIMMY: "Am I the hot tag man?"
RICOCHET: "Yes."
JIMMY: "That's Too Cool."
DAWSON: "Second fall!"
COLE: "Find out what happens, after these commercials!"
JIMMY: "Let me have a tag bro."
WILDER: "Nope."
RICOCHET: "Yep."
JEY: "Guess what."
ORTON: "I've got a Battle Royale to prepare for, I don't have time."
CLUB: "Hey, Styles beat you at X-Treme Rules."
RICOCHET: "Prepare for a dive."
STYLES: "Don't you mean BE PREPARED?"
USOS: "Superkick party!"
INSERT CODY EAR GIF HERE
RICOCHET: "Wow, a Phenomenal Forearm! Wait, that's for me. Oh no!"
VIKINGEXPERIENCERAIDERMACHINES: "We are going to breathe MENACINGLY!"
ENTER THE JOBBERS
VIKINGEXPERIENCERAIDERMACHINES: "Die."
JOBBERS: "Sounds fair to me."
THE JOBBERS INDEED DIE
MCINTYRE: "Hey Cedric. Are you laughing at me?"
CEDRIC: "No."
MCINTYRE: "Time has come and gone for words. Also, you are going to die."
CEDRIC: "Nah, that'll be you."
MCINTYRE: "I've been bested."
Plenty of MCINTYREBEEF later
MCINTYRE: "I'm going to the top rope."
GULAK: "I thought we were Drew Brothers."
CEDRIC: "It appears you have been bested."
BALOR: "I lost to Nakamura. Club time?"
MCMAHON: "Stick to the script!"
BALOR: "I mean, I'm going to beat Samoa Joe, thanks to my math professor!"
STEINER: "He has 141 and 2/3 chance of winning at Raw-crifice!"
JOE: "I'm literally going to kill this man."
WWE HISTORY: "I'm about to end this man's whole career."
INTERVIEWER: "We have a match? Too bad! Roman time."
ROMAN: "This is my week. When I win the Battle Royale, the Universal Champion is gonna be may."
INTERVIEWER: "Thank you Roman, very cool."
BALOR: "Can I enter now?"
INTERVIEWER: "Yeah, sure. Not like I have something more important."
JOE sneakypins BALOR and attacks him after
BALOR: "This is not something I have to do. I will, however, attack you."
PRODUCTION TEAM: "YOU SHOW THE LIGHTS THAT STOP ME TURN TO STONE"
WYATT: "You owe me for TLC 2017."
BALOR: "That's fair."
DRAKE: "Yeah, give us the room under Mr. and Mrs. 24/7 Champion."
RENEE: "I can't believe you've done this."
DRAKE: "It's for protection."
RENEE: "That's fair."
TRUTH: "I'm lookin' for Hornswoggle. I have a dollar."
HOTEL GUY: "Sounds good to me. He paid me, like, 200 million dollars."
TRUTH: "Nice!"
STREET PROFITS: "Who's GONNA WIN the women's FATAL FOUR WAY!"
DAWKINS: "Is Nikki there?"
MONTEZ: "Why?"
DAWKINS: "I'm in love. She's intense."
MONTEZ: "ROLLINS WANTS THE SMOKE, ROLLINS WANTS THE SMOKE, ROLLINS WANTS THE SMOKE!"
MARIA: "I'm better than you at literally everything."
MIKE: "I'm doing the match."
MARIA: "You lie. I'm doing it."
BARON: "End of Days time."
MIKE: "Watch this!"
RYDER destroys this man.
RYDER: "I've got a new entrance theme."
MARIA: "I like it!"
ANNOUNCER: "Your winner in less than one minute, Zack Ryder!"
MIKE: "That's a bit harsh."
LUCHA HOUSE PARTY: "We've got pinatas! And a chance!"
CLUB: "Now you have neither."
RICOCHET: "Hi AJ."
KALISTDORADO: "Hi Gallows and Anderson."
STYLES: "That's not disqualification?"
METALIK: "Lucha House Party rules, man."
One Calf Crusher later
KALISTO: "I'm immediately going to tap out."
STYLES: "You think I'm going to stop?"
KALISTO: "Yes."
STYLES: "Okay."
The exact same replay of the mixed tag as last time
SARAH INTERVIEWER: "This is Seth Rollins."
ROLLINS: "I'm not champion and Lesnar bad. Lynch'll be okay. Corbin won't."
DAWKINS: "Nikki! OH YEAH!"
KOOL-AID MAN: "OH YEAH!"
MONTEZ: "What's wrong with you?"
KOOL-AID MAN: "I'm sorry. I'll go."
BECKY watches the Fatal 4-way
ROLLINS: "Told you Lynch would be back!"
NATALYA: "I dislike you because we fought 2 years ago."
NAOMI: "I agree."
NATALYA: "Don't agree with me! That's what I want you not to do!"
CARMELLA: "Pin."
NAOMI: "No."
CARMELLA: "Pin."
NATALYA: "No."
CARMELLA: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
BLISS: "You deserve this."
BLISS sneakypins CARMELLA and eliminates her
CARMELLA: "I have been bamboozled."
NAOMI: "Remember this?"
SSP: "Am I supposed to?"
BLISS
chinlock
BLISS: "Get outta here Natalya, can't you see I'm fightin' here?"
NATALYA: "Ready to surf?"
NAOMI: "Sure."
BLISS: "Pin time."
NATALYA: "Clever! But I refuse."
BLISS: "Okay."
CROSS: "Come on! I'm going to win Backgammon!"
BLISS: "Not Backgammon!"
CROWD: "THIS IS AWFUL!"
NATALYA rolls up NAOMI
NAOMI: "I'm free!"
CROWD: "BOOOOOOOOOO!"
CROSS: "If you don't start cheering for Alexa Bliss, you'll get 3 more months of Lacey Evans!"
CROWD goes silent
NATALYA: "Oops, I knocked down Nikki!"
CROWD: "LET'S GO CENA! CENA SUCKS!"
NATALYA: "Sharpshooter time."
BLISS: "I'm tired of the crowd!"
BLISS taps out
NATALYA: "I'm going back to Canada for SummerSlam! Hooray!"
BECKY: "I like you, but you can call me Bret Hart, because I'm about to beat you at SummerSlam!"
NATALYA: "Wait a minute! Did you just turn heel?"
BECKY: "I think."
NATALYA: "I'm going to show you how good of a promo I am!"
ORTON: "Remember SummerSlam 2016? Well, I'm gonna RKO that man. I'll totally win."
MIZ: "Welcome to Miz TV! With... DOLPH ZIGGLER!"
CROWD: "Okay."
DOLPH: "You suck at being a host."
MIZ: "Are you projecting? I'm happy because we are in Long Island!"
DOLPH: "You don't care about trying to be the best! Was it worth it to be a suckup? You weren't even on Extreme Rules!"
MIZ: "And you were only on there for 17 seconds!"
DOLPH: "You aren't from Long Island or Hollywood and you are a gimmick! Be real!"
The Real World intensifies
MIZ: "DON'T SAY REAL!"
DOLPH: "Your wife sucks."
MIZ gives DOLPH bonkies
MIZ: "Say it again!"
DOLPH: "No thanks."
DRAKE: "Candle time! YEOWCH! Are you ready?"
RENEE: "I'm more comfortable, you should be too!"
DRAKE is in the nude minus a belt.
CHAMPAGNE GUY: "I'm a referee!"
DRAKE: "I'm the 24/7 champion!"
HURRICANE: "And I'm the Hurricane!"
DRAKE: "Get out, both of you!"
STREET PROFITS: "Okay."
TRUTH: "Oh yeah, me too."
DRAKE: "Not you!"
TRUTH: "Me?"
DRAKE: "No, EC3, my cameraman!"
EC3: "Hi."
TRUTH: "Let me bring my phone!"
TRUTH plays the Jaws theme and gives DRAKE the small package
DRAKE: "Oh wait, I have underwear too. TRUTHHHHHHHHHH!"
RENEE: "DRAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
JOSEPH: "CAESARRRRRRRR!"
CHANCE: "I'm not sharing my Doritos."
BIG E and ZAYN enter
BURNING MAN: "BURN IT DOWN!"
ZAYN: "AHHHHHHHHHH! I'M BURNING!"
ROLLINS and LASHLEY enter
LASHLEY: "Now I have tape!"
MYSTERIO: "Is he at the end of the ramp yet?"
SHANE: "Yes."
MYSTERIO: "Why are you here?"
SHANE: "I'm everywhere."
MYSTERIO, LONG ISLAND'S FAVORITE SON, and ROMAN enter. Oh, and CESARO
REV THEORY: "I HEAR VOICES IN MY HEAD THEY TALK TO ME I HAVE TO BUY A WII BURN IN MY LIGHT"
ORTON enters
STROWMAN: "GET THESE HANDS!"
STROWMAN and LESNAR enter
LESNAR: "I still don't have my boombox. I paid for same-day delivery. I'm not giving him a tip."
STROWMAN punches LASHLEY in the ribs
LASHLEY: "I can't believe you've done this!"
CESARO: "Uppercut train!"
MYSTERIO: "I won the Royal Rumble!"
LASHLEY tosses out CESARO
BLACK: "HAHA!"
STROWMAN tosses out LASHLEY
CESARO: "HAHA!"
GRAVES: "A lot of beef in this ring!"
SSP: "How dare you."
ZAYN tosses out BIG E
ORTON: "Just wait for this."
ORTON tosses out ZAYN
ORTON: "Got you! And Reigns! Take this, Mysterio!"
JAKEY G.: "I said I was sorry Spider-Man!"
SPIDEY: "Liar!"
MYSTERIO 619's REIGNS and gets tossed out by LONG ISLAND'S FAVORITE SON
LONG ISLAND'S FAVORITE SON gets super-finished and gets tossed out by ROLLINS. REIGNS spears ROLLINS
ROLLINS: "I can't believe you've done this."
REIGNS: "Time for the big man elimination. You've fallen to one of the classic blunders!"
ROLLINS eliminates STROWMAN and REIGNS
ROLLINS: "I win!"
ORTON: "Fool!"
ORTON attempts to eliminate ROLLINS but fails
ORTON: "This is the best time to brag."
ROLLINS: "Nope."
ROLLINS tosses out ORTON
ORTON: "Aw man."
HEYMAN: "Your next-"
LESNAR: "And previous."
HEYMAN: "Victim, SETH ROLLINS!"
ROLLINS: "Yeah, that makes sense. But I disagree."
HEYMAN: "At least you were civil about it."
ROLLINS: "Well, have a good night."
HEYMAN: "And you as well!"
LESNAR: "I still don't have my boombox."
After the end of the show
PICCOLO: "Wait, were we on this show?"
GOHAN: "I guess not."
PICCOLO: "I guess we... dodged a bullet."