WWE Raw (June 24, 2019) – Abridged

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

BURN IT DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN

SETH: bout last night

suddenly THE MAN

SETH: kinda interruptin

THE MAN: o rly

SETH: beat Baron at Stompyground cause The Man helped

THE MAN: proved we’re champs, Lacey’s a plank

suddenly BARON’s music

SETH: I am very distracted

LACEY: surprise attaaaaaaaaaack

BECKY: hahahaha have beatemups

BARON: then maybe imma help

SETH: nah ya won’t, beatemups too

BARON: give The Man your belt, make her a sammich, The Man sucks, Lacey’s great

LACEY: mixed tag at Xtreme, how bout that

THE MAN: k but no more matches after

BARON: k but only if mixed tag’s for y’all’s belts

SETH, THE MAN: neato

now PLANETCHAMPS and REVIVAL fight NEW DAY and USOS elimination style

USO: challengers fightin champs uce

USO: welcome to our prison uce

XAVIER: imma fight first tho uce

BRYAN: me too

DAWSON: nah me, headlocks

E: tag, I am very big

ROWAN: tag as well, I am quite large as well

XAVIER: tag

BRYAN: also tag, dive

DAWSON: ow

BRYAN: oops, dropkick

XAVIER: now ya got me

BEAR: this’ll be a nightmare to abridge won’t it

WILDER: facepunch Bryan

XAVIER: pin

BRYAN: k

BEAR: huh

WILDER: shatter machine pin

XAVIER: k

BEAR: better

USOS: jumpydives uce

USO: top rope crossbody pin

WILDER: nah

USOS: bet two of us do it uce

WILDER: still nah

USO: superkick uce

WILDER: slam then

USO: still good uce

DAWSON: moar slams then

USO: less good uce

USO: secret tag uce, splash pin

DAWSON: k

well it’s MIZ’s show

MIZ: here’s TruthMella

here they in fact are

MIZ: 24/7 rules suspended Truth, don’t worry

TRUTH: phew

MIZ: hey Truth, ya pinned Drake at his wedding, how bout that

UNIVERSE: YES PLZ

TRUTH: 48/7 Euro belt makin me all paranoid

MELLA: belt’s real important

suddenly DRAKE

DRAKE: kinda ruined my wedding tho, haven’t consummated things

TRUTH: drink fiber

DRAKE: CONSUMMATED

BEAR: I love this so much

DRAKE: so fight me

MIZ: and errybody else can’t interfere

TRUTH: then imma fight Swoggle

so they do

DRAKE: very mad

TRUTH: very pin

DRAKE: k

suddenly LOCKER ROOM, unabridgeable chaos ensues til

TRUTHMELLA: run awayyy

CHARLY: hey Drake, been a tough week, how bout that

DRAKE: imma leave

BEAR: welp wrasslin’s makin me feel things

meanwhile backstage

LACEY: wanna win at Xtreme

BARON: gonna

here’s a heel dad with money and DREW

SHANE: Rome say the thing

ROME: BEST IN THE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORLD and Drew

SHANE: and the other thing

ROME: Roman’s fightin em both at once

here’s a large dog, general heelybonks ensue til GONG

TAKER: Hello, Shane and Drew. Now you die.

they in fact do

SHANE, DREW: UM

BEAR: YES UM

TAKER: Run, doomed fools.

then BRAUN and BOB tug a rope til BRAUN wins

BOB: cool have beatemups

meanwhile backstage

CHARLY: hey AJ, you’re back, how bout that

AJ: well I-

CHARLY: hey AJ, why fight Ricochet, how bout that

AJ: well I-

JOSE: don’t mind me just partyin

CLUB: us too

AJ: y’all gotta fight Vikes tho, do better

CLUB: gonna

so CLUB’s fightin VIKES

GALLOWS: here’s beef

ANDERSON: tag, moar beef

VIKES: have norsebeef

ANDERSON: eh

GALLOWS: tag, beeeeeeeeeef

ANDERSON: tag, pin

ERIK: nah

ANDERSON: imma showboat a sec

IVAR: tag, moar norsebeef, pin

ANDERSON: k

meanwhile backstage

NIKKI: sorry we lost, kinda my fault

BLISS: kinda, go away

NIKKI: k

NATTIE: hi Nikki, Bliss kinda sucks

NIKKI:

BLISS: stop tryna steal my fake friend

NAOMI: fight me later then

HEATH and MOJO’s fightin, suddenly TRUTH and LOCKER ROOM

HEATH: pin

TRUTH: k but pin

HEATH: k

CEDRIC: pin

TRUTH: k

EC3: pin

CEDRIC: k

TRUTH: pin

EC3: k

BEAR: neat

meanwhile backstage

SARAH: hey Ricochet, you’re champ, how bout that

RICOCHET: pretty great, fightin AJ tonite

here’s KOFI

CHARLY: hey Kofi, you-

suddenly SAM and KO

SAM: KO’s got questions

KO: well it’s my show now, hey Kofi, who are you, you suck, please leave, how bout that

KOFI: you gotta zit

SAM: Kofi hides behind Xavier and E, beat em at Stompyground

KOFI: nah, beat KO at MITB by myself, same with Dolph, imma beat Sam tonite

SAM: your ego’s big

KOFI: nah, fight me

SAM: k, have fingerwrenches

KOFI: whippyflips, pin

SAM: nah, cornerpunches

KOFI: won’t help, imma zoom

SAM: imma take the floor

KOFI: imma follow

KO: imma kick ya

KOFI: oh

KOFI face in perils til

KOFI: boingyjumpyrally

SAM: boot to chest

KOFI: very ow, rollypin

SAM: k

KO: now fight me

KOFI: k fine

KO: superkick, frog splash

KOFI: knees up

KO: ow, still pin

KOFI: nah, floor time, sos on ramp

KO: very ow

KOFI: back in the ring

REF: ten

KOFI wins

KOFI: divin on y’all just cause

SAM, KO: very very ow

suddenly JOE

JOE: die

KOFI in fact does

NAOMI’s fightin BLISS, standard match ensues, BLISS wins, suddenly NATTIE

now BLIKKI’s fightin NAOTTIE, standard tag match ensues til

NIKKI: crazybonks

NATTIE: have a corner

BLISS: secret tag, pin

NATTIE: k

here’s a dude with farmer strength fightin RICOCHET

AJ: imma do some graps

RICOCHET: imma do some drags

suddenly CLUB

AJ: um

RICOCHET: imma still zoom

ANDERSON: footgrab

RICOCHET: missed

AJ: leave

CLUB: k

AJ: now where were we

RICOCHET: doin graps and drags

AJ: cool let’s do more

RICOCHET: yes but with flippyzooms

AJ: corner should fix that

RICOCHET: imma still zoom

AJ: and enziguri

RICOCHET: that worked

RICOCHET face in perils til

RICOCHET: have several boings

AJ: those are not fun, cornerbonk pin

RICOCHET: nah

AJ: facegrabs then

RICOCHET: but zoomyflips

AJ: me too

RICOCHET: now flippyzooms

AJ: me too, ddt pin

RICOCHET: nah

AJ: yep that never works, clothesline pin

RICOCHET: also nah, chops for days, moonsault pin

AJ: nah

RICOCHET: 630

AJ: dodge, phenomenal forearm pin

RICOCHET: k

PICCOLO: and see he won Gohan

GOHAN: will you not

AJ: nice dude, here’s your belt

RICOCHET: daww thanks