ISW Boner Jam IV: Balls Out recap: Balls in

Boner Jam IV: Balls Out promises to be a... unique show, so let’s cue up our patented “everything amazing, unexpected, vicious, wacky, or just plain neat” bullet-point recap format and get on with the show!

Jigsaw vs. Pinkie Sanchez vs. Tony Deppen vs. Werewolf of Wall Street (Scramble Match)

• Sanchez comes out to the Sepultura song Troops of Doom, A+ choice.
• Tony Deppen missile dropkick!
• Jigsaw catches a leapfrog into a leg pick and swings Deppen around for a sweet cover.
• Werewolf lifts his leg on Jigsaw!
• Big diving crossbody from Wall Street takes Jigsaw and Deppen out and then Pinkie dives on them!
• WEREWOLF TORNILLO!
• Some slick mat wrestling between Deppen and Jigsaw ends in Jigsaw torpedoed face-first into the turnbuckles.

Sanchez wins by pinfall, chaining some kicks together into a slick pin on Tony Deppen.

Daniel Makabe vs. Jae Rukin

• Makabe blasts him off the apron and dives on him so hard he gets stuck in the third row and a fan has to help him up!
• Lotta slugging it out here. Like however much you’re imagining, and then some more.
• Rukin dumps him with an exploder suplex!
• Half-crab to an STF to a an arm-trap crossface and Dan reverses to an STF of his own to force the break!
• Makabe ducks a double stomp and dumps him with a German but Jae reverses to a double wristlock! Dan turns it into a pin but the damage is done!
• BIG wind-up punch from Makabe!
• Catch sleeper from Rukin... IT’S OVER!

Jae Rukin wins by submission with a bodyscissors sleeper hold.

GymNasty Boys (Timmy Lou Retton & White Mike) vs. Team Tremendous (Bill Carr & Dan Barry)

• Retton and Barry getting right into the lucha libre action with some slick ducking and dodging and flipping!
• Carr and Mike take a power approach and Mike stands defiant!
• Waistlock, a little hip action, Bill isn’t into it and commentary informs us that White Mike wants everyone to know he’s fantastic at eating ass.
• Carr does the old “what’s that on your shirt” finger boop and Mike snaps Bill’s suspenders against his nipples in return!
• Dan holds White in place while Carr does the ol’ giant “shh” chop in the corner!
• Timmy in for a little of the ol’ Flip, Flop, & Fly!
• GymNasties work over Barry for a good beat but he gives it right back with an avalanche Frankensteiner!
• BILL CARR A HOUSE OF POUNCES! BOSSMAN SLAM!
• Retton with the Asai moonsault!
• Barry tope con giro!
• BILL CARR TOPE CON GIRO?! TEAM TREMENDOUS!
• Inverted crucifix powerbomb dropped into a reverse STO can’t put Mike away!
• GymNasties escape a Book ‘Em Danno attempt and run Carr off...

GymNasty Boys win by pinfall with a lungblower / Rock Bottom combination on Dan Barry.

• Carr teases a turn on Barry but he’s just playing!

Hornswoggle vs. Sexxxy Eddy (c) (ISW Falls Count Everywhere Championship)

• Swoggle borrows several fans’ beers during his entrance, taking big sips before returning them!
• Eddy yells out that his dick is bigger than his opponent’s entire person, and commentary confirms.
• Horny with a big of a hip swivel, Sexxxy gives it right back to him!
• HORNSWOGGLE BITES HIS FINGER WHEN HE WAGS IT AT HIM AND THEN GIVES HIM A WEDGIE!
• With a fistful of trunks, Swoggle dumps him to the floor and hits a superkick off the apron!
• They fight to the bar and have a toast... and then Horny immediately punches Eddy in the face!
• Swoggle misses a chop and eats ringpost, which leads Sexxxy to take things back inside and do some actual wrestli-- nope, stomping him in the dick.
• He’s stomping Hornswoggle in the dick repeatedly.
• NOBODY HOME ON THE SPLIT-LEGGED MOONSAULT!
• Swoggle kicks him in the dick repeatedly!
• HORNSWOGGLE WITH THE GERMAN SUPLEX! AND A SECOND ONE!
• Eddy dead weight, but he recovers and throws Horny head-first into the referee’s dick!
• Belt shot to the knees into an Ace Crusher but the referee is out and no one can count the pin!
• Eddy decks him from behind with the belt...

Sexxxy Eddy wins by pinfall with a belt shot to the back of the head to retain the ISW Falls Count Everywhere Championship.

• Post-match, Sexxxy sort of air humps the belt in Swoggle’s general direction.
• But when he poses over Horny’s fallen body, he sits up and crushes his gentleman’s area!
• Commentary refers to Eddy as “that old stinky pervert, Sexual Edward”
• The tarp is secured, because it’s time for the FOOD FIGHT!

Bastian Snow International Food Fight Invitational

• The Food Fighters of Pasquale and Bastian Snow are the first team out and they’ve been grocery shopping!
• Out at third, “Superkid” Nelson Pereira of CTW Portugal! He’s got carrots chained together into nunchuks.
• Carrot-chuks.
• PASQUALE WITH A BRUTAL BAGUETTE SHOT TO THE HEAD! CHIP-CHAIR-TO!
• BUT NELSON IS WAILING ON BASTIAN WITH THE CARROTS!
• Dad Bod Squad out, baguettes in hand, followed by Red Eagle, also from Portugal and holding a pineapple that I swear to god if he puts it on pizza...
• GLAAD Badd and the Craiglist Homo, the team of the Glaad Boys, are out next and I just... I can’t. What? They’re married? Okay, that makes it a little better.
• Pereira uses the pineapple to grind away at one of the Dad Bod’s eyes!
• Super Beetle is here! And so is Boris the Bear!
• STEVEN THE TURTLE WEINER GETS JUMPED FROM BEHIND BY THE DUMB FUCKS!
• THEY RAM SPAGHETTI SKEWERS INTO THE TURTLE’S BACK!
• I can’t keep up with this. This is amazing.
• ”American Gangster” Sean Henderson makes his entrance and starts wiping dudes out!
• Tyler Murphy, come on down!
• YOU TOO, TRASH MAN WHO ISN’T FRANK REYNOLDS!
• TERRA CALAWAY LET’S GO QUEEN OF THE DINOSAURS!
• She eliminates Pereira and Eagle with a double chokeslam!
• The ring is a mess in more ways than one right now.
• The Turtle eliminates the Dumb Fucks with a bit of help from Bastian Snow.
• Dad Bods and Glaad Boys eliminate each other and Boris spikes Tyler Murphy to run him off as well!
• STEVE TAPS OUT TO A BEAR HUG FROM BORIS ASSISTED BY BASTIAN’S SPIKES!
• Henderson eliminates Boris and gets stacked up by Calaway!
• TERRA GOES EGG BOWLING! CANNONBALL TAKES THE TRASH MAN OUT!
• DUDLEYS HEADBUTT TO SNOW! AMERICAN GANGSTER WANTS TERRA TO GET THE TABLES!
• Oh my god there’s a board with about thirty packets of instant ramen stapled to it. 3D THROUGH THE NOODLES!

Henderson eliminates Calaway with a superkick and wins the Food Fight Invitational!

• What just happened? What did I watch? Am I going to be okay?

Fluffy the Killer Bunny vs. Leon St. Giovanni

• LSG is dressed as Kraven the Hunter, so that’s cool.
• Leon kicks the ear off of Fluffy’s... spare... head?
• Fluffy just shrugs off a crossbody, doesn’t even budge!
• And a try at a plancha gets caught but LSG is able to slip out and put the large lagomorph into the ringpost!
• Leon reapplies his moustache smoothly and almost seamlessly when it falls off.
• HE’S WORKING THE EARS!
• Fluffy hulks up and they slug it out!
• Sliding back suplex from the bun!
• Fluffy’s making LSG cover up as he rains blows down... AND TEARS THE MOUSTACHE CLEAN OFF!
• LSG POWERBOMBS THE RABBIT OUT OF THE CORNER!
• His manager passes him a bullwhip but it backfires and Leon whips him like a government mule!

Fluffy the Killer Bunny wins by pinfall with a pop-up powerbomb.

Butcher and the Blade (Andy Williams & Braxton Sutter) vs. Ugly Ducklings (Lance Lude & Rob Killjoy)

• I note here that Andy Williams has calibrated his wrestling aesthetic to look like “What if Cobra Commander cloned Teddy Roosevelt?”
• Williams shrugs off any attempt from Killjoy to stun or stagger him in the early goings and slaps him out of midair!
• Double-team Regal Cutter from the Ducks into Duck Duck Goose!
• Lude BOUNCES off of Andy on a crossbody!
• HUGE assisted Karelin lift to follow that one up!
• Sutter with a Stunner, Williams adds a lariat, close nearfall!
• God as my witness they broke Lance Lude in half with a pop-up double-team gutbuster.
• Killjoy’s in and running hot, moonsault, triangle dropkick, Arabian press moonsault to the floor, slingshot stomp back in and stereo tope con giros with Lance to finish the chain off!
• Andy catches a Frankensteiner attempt and powerbombs him to hell!
• Scoop both Ducks on Williams’ shoulders but Coach Mikey makes the save! Mikey stands alone and begs off, pointing out that he shares a bald head with their opponents but Butcher and the Blade slide him through a door in the corner!
• Williams double crossbody...

Butcher and the Blade win by pinfall with a double-team suplex into a lungblower.

Chris Brookes vs. Chris Dickinson

• Dickinson making his entrance to Cat Scratch Fever, I’m in.
• They wrestled for a bit and, uh... they just left?
• And they’re back, up on the stage seating!
• Brookes blocks a powerbomb, tangles Dickinson up in the ring skirt and double stomps his face in!
• Brookes with a dive that torpedoes them into the front row!
• Shadows Over Hell style senton for two!
• Lykos trips Dickinson up while Brookes runs interference!
• The CCK man running hot, finishing a sequence off with a springboard Ace Crusher and shoving the referee!
• Kid runs in but referee Aubrey wakes up right away and kicks him and Brookes both in the nuts to stop them! What a hero she is!

Chris Dickinson wins by pinfall with a Shining Wizard.

Addy Starr (c) vs. Jeff Cannonball vs. Matt Tremont vs. Nick Gage (ISW King of Crazy Championship Fans Bring the Brightly Colored Toy Blocks We Can’t Legally Mention Deathmatch)

• More choice entrance music, Tremont to Separate Ways and Gage to For Whom the Bell Tolls, as the good lord intended.
• STARR IMMEDIATELY PUTS CANNONBALL THROUGH A BOARD COVERED IN BRICKS!
• My question from earlier about if I could be okay? Yeah, I’m okay now.
• PLANCHA TO THE FLOOR ON GAGE!
• Cannonball and Tremont square up and wail on each other with brick-coated wiffle ball bats!
• HEADBUTT CITY!
• NICK SLAMS ADDY IN THE LEGO!
• At ringside, Tremont and Cannonball have crimson masks and are just wailing on each other with chairs.
• Starr belly-to-belly suplexes Gage into a door!
• She follows it up dumping a bin of LEGO on the mat and drop toeholds Jeff into them... DOUBLE STOMP PUTS HIS FACE INTO THE BRICKS!
• Nick Gage drops her with a swinging neckbreaker!
• Samoan Drop from the Bulldozer! HE’S PUNCHING HIMSELF IN HIS WOUND!
• CANNONBALL CANNONBALL!
• Jeff wants Gage! They’re slugging it out on the floor! NICK BITES HIS HEAD WOUND BUT CANNONBALL BREAKS A CHAIR OVER THE KING’S BACK!
• Gage hammers Jeff with the chair in return!
• Tremont with a slam to Starr in the bricks as Nick brainbusters Cannonball into the floor with a sick impact!
• Gage and Tremont up top... SUPERPLEX INTO THE BRICKS! CANNONBALL WITH A CHAIR DROP FOR TWO!
• ADDY UP TOP... CANNONBALL CATCHES HER INTO GREETINGS FROM NEWBRIDGE BUT SHE WON’T STAY DOWN!
• Jeff sets the plastic bin on Starr’s belly but she wakes up and gets under him... POWERBOMB INTO THE BIN!
• CHOKEBREAKER FROM THE KING BUT ADDY STARR WILL NOT DIE!
• Fired up, calling for it, off the ropes... TREMONT DEATH VALLEY DRIVER BUT HE’S NOT DONE WITH HER! HE EMPTIES SEVERAL MORE CONTAINERS OF BRICKS AND HEADS UP TOP...

Matt Tremont wins by pinfall with a diving splash on Addy Starr to win the ISW King of Crazy Championship.

Overall

This show... this show was an experience. Almost like the inaugural edition of Joey Janela’s Spring Break, Boner Jam IV had a little something for everyone, from dong spots to serious wrestling to the utter insanity that was the main event and all points in-between.

I’m not going to spend a lot of time selling it here, but if you have an IWTV subscription, you owe it to yourself to at least check this one out, even if you fast-forward through parts that may not appeal to you.