WWE Raw (April 15, 2019) – Abridged

discount Marvel movie intro, then/now/whatever

here’s STEPH

UNIVERSE: NAH

STEPH: k let’s shake some folks, here’s Shane

and a heel dad with money

UNIVERSE: VERY NAH

SHANE: yeah but Ring Dude should say the thing

RING DUDE: BEEEEEEEEST IN THE WOOOOOOOOORLD

UNIVERSE: PUNK THO

PUNK: sure whatever

SHANE: imma say it in French too

UNIVERSE: STILL VERY NAH

SHANE: also Montreal sucks, member how I’m a heel

STEPH: k shakin time, imma pick a dude

AWWWWWWWWW SAAAAAAAAAAAAM

MIZ: hi Shane, have a chair

SHANE: run awayyyyyyyy

COLE: Miz got shook to Raw

suddenly BLACKOCHET

COLE: guess they’re shook to Raw too

BEAR: ah we’re doin this the boring way, cool

also HAWKRYDER and REVIVAL and WAR RAIDERS

oh wait scuse me THE VIKING EXPERIENCE

BEAR: um Vince

VINCE: yep

BEAR: why

VINCE: war’s bad dammit

BEAR: k then just for that

insert standard 8 man tag plus vikingbeef til

VIKES: fallout pin

RYDER: k

VINCE: aww

GRAVES: Cedric got shook to Raw

also FINN cause he’s here

GRAVES: Finn may not be shook to Raw tho

BEAR: huh

also ANDRADE but only maybe cause idk how this works anymore

VEGA: here’s Andrade, dude’s cooler than Finn

ANDRADE: here’s one french word then spanish for days

FINN: can we fight now

ANDRADE: yep have luchabeef

FINN: dropkicks tho

ANDRADE: imma get outta the ring

FINN: facekick time then

ANDRADE: um but Vega

FINN: curses foiled by my faceness

ANDRADE: yay have an apron

FINN face in perils til

FINN: slingblade, imma run

ANDRADE: flippykick pin

FINN: nah but how

ANDRADE: top rope jumpybounce

FINN: knees up tho, top rope time

ANDRADE: me too

FINN: get down, enziguiri, coup de gr-

ANDRADE: nah, hammerl-

FINN: nah, imma dive

VEGA: rather ya didn’t

FINN: move

VEGA: k

FINN: dive

VEGA: kneethrow

FINN: oh

ANDRADE: hammerlock ddt pin

FINN: k

COLE: member how Cena thuganomicsed Elias then Taker tombstoned Elias

here’s ELIAS

ELIAS: brought back Cena and Taker cause I’m great, your sports team sucks

UNIVERSE: ALL THE VERY NAH

ELIAS: imma siiiiiiiing

suddenly REY

COLE: hey Rey got shook

BEAR: or did he

ELIAS: run awayyyyyy

suddenly LARS

LARS: hi

REY: have all the offense

LARS: adorable, die

REY: can’t tho

LARS: see you say that

REY in fact dies

here’s GABLEROODE

ROODE: gonna beat all the folks

GABLE: yep, open challenge

suddenly USOS

GABLE: k have grappyslams

USO: then have zoomydives uce

ROODE: imma distract you

USO: I am very distracted uce

ROODE: then have the floor and the wall and sundry beatemups

USO face in perils til

USO: tag uce

GABLE: also tag

USO: samoan drop corner boop pin uce

GABLE: nah

ROODE: tag, blockbuster pin

USO: nah uce

GABLE: tag, imma jump

USO: superkick tho uce

GABLE: dodge

USOS: double superkick, double splash pin uce

GABLE: k

GOHAN: see at best dodging’s 50/50

PICCOLO: shut up

here’s BLISS

BLISS: might be shook to SDL soon

BEAR: oh for goodness sake

BLISS: here’s Sami

UNIVERSE: VERY YAY

SAMI: imma dance cause hometown

UNIVERSE: CHANTY CHANTY CHANT CHANT

BLISS: hey Sami, you’re on Raw, how bout that

SAMI: welp Montreal’s great but Montrealers suck, didn’t wanna do your show

BLISS: well I never

SAMI: Universe are haters

BLISS: hey Sami, Universe is great tho, how bout that

SAMI: Orlando’s hometown, bye

here’s IICONICS, BAYLEY and MYSTERY gonna fight em

BAYLEY: welp Mystery’s Naomi

NAOMI: yep

BAYLEY: IIconics get all the fists

NAOMI: tag

PEYTON: face in peril already

NAOMI: this fast tho

PEYTON: yep

BILLIE: imma get in on this

NAOMI: facekick tho

BAYLEY: also bayley to belly pin

PEYTON: k

COLE: member how women were main event at Mania

here’s a one percenter but first that darn cackling dino in a box again

also BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

EC3: but I’m 1%

BRAUN: but I am very big, have all the hands

EC3: still good

BRAUN slams EC3 thru the floor

BRAUN: how bout now

EC3: ow

suddenly THE MAN

THE MAN: yeesh welp got two belts, imma fight Ruby

COLE: but first here’s all the folks shook to Raw so far

BEAR: finally

RUBY: wanna fight

THE MAN: have beatemups

RUBY: no thanks, headin floorward

THE MAN: nah

RUBY: k here’s headslammy cornerkicky heel stuff

THE MAN: don’t do face in peril, have zoomyhits, imma jump

RUBY: nah, jumpypin

THE MAN: nah, disarm-

LIV, SARAH: very nah

THE MAN: fiiiiine killin ya both

LIV, SARAH: ow

THE MAN: now disarmher

RUBY: tap

THE MAN: also Liv and Sarah die some more

they in fact do

CHARLY: hey Baron, Roman and Seth’s mystery teamin, how bout that

DREW: imma kill Roman

BARON: also imma win tonite

LIO: yep, faces suck

suddenly NATTIE

THE MAN: um hi

NATTIE: glad you won here and at Mania

THE MAN: yep

NATTIE: but imma take your red belt

THE MAN: well I do have it, also you’re pretty neat, so

suddenly LACEY

LACEY: Nattie’s old & unclassy, McMahons said #1 contender match so imma fight her

NATTIE: have all the offense and the floor

NATTIE-fueled beatemups ensue til

LACEY: have a corner

NATTIE: so I face in peril now

LACEY: you’re a smart one

NATTIE: sharpshooter tho

LACEY: ropegrab, woman’s right, moonsault pin

NATTIE: k

CHARLY: hey Seth and Roman, you’re mystery teamin, how bout that

SETH: yep, we’re great, us and mystery dude gonna win

ROMAN: ah yessir

oh hey more creepy toys cause BRAY I guess

BARON, DREW, BOB: k so who we fightin

here’s ROMAN and SETH and some dude with farmer strength

BOB: Seth gets muh beef

SETH: help plz

ROMAN: tag, offense

AJ: tag, also offense

BARON: tag

AJ: moar offense

DREW: tag

AJ: neat

DREW: nah gimme Roman

ROMAN: fine, tag

a large amount of beef ensues til

SETH: tag, zooms and jumps and rollypin

BARON: nah

SETH: superkick tho

BARON: nah, slam, rollypin

SETH: nah

BARON: then imma top rope slam ya

SETH: also nah

AJ: tag, punchyzooms

BOB: tag, beef time

AJ: flippykicks

DREW: pfft you call that a kick

AJ: ow

unabridgeable chaos ensues til

ROMAN: time to overcome things, spear

AJ: phenomenal forearm pin

BOB: k

ROMAN/SETH/AJ overcome things