"The Nightly House, S1E1: Initiation Night" Transcript

So, to keep this brief: I write a sitcom on both the Nightly and Daily. The people on both have been eating it up, and they have encouraged me to fanpost it. (Bandit Disclaimer: This is purely a work of satire, done all in good fun, and the characters you see on this show are not representative of our actual personalities on the site or in real life. This is mostly fictional. Let’s have some fun, alright?)


CrashBandit450 (CB, this is me, humongous Nintendo fan)

Metal Matt (Metal, an absolute screwball)

Mister Doctor Senju (MDS, the sane man to most of the house’s antics, and our inventor)

TakersMinion (TM, one of our leaders, somehow has access to the Undertaker’s spellbook)

Prince Moxley Lopez (Mox, has a bigger hardcore weapons collection than all of ECW)

3StarsAndTheSun (Stars, Alexa mark to the extreme)

Mattdsm (Mattdsm, B0$$ mark to the extreme)

Adam Rice (Adam, avid fan of women’s wrestling, debuts in Episode 2)

Ambrose Alley (AA, big sister to most of us)

onewingedangel (Angel, extreme Final Fantasy fan, and covert arsonist)

Buried Alive (BA, really good at covering wrestling statistics)

Thomas "SK" Greene (SK, master of the "hot take," debuts in Episode 3)

A-Plot: Ambrose Alley and OneWingedAngel have to move into the Nightly House after the Daily Duplex is immolated in an accident.

B-Plots: Metal and Stars have to buy a new TV after CB broke it in a session of Mario Kart: Double Dash!! gone awry.

CB has to make a 4-pizza delivery run in 30 minutes on a bike… when the houses are on opposite ends of the city.

BA and Des Moines have to clear out the attic, but that is easier said than done.


(The current time at the Nightly House is dawn. All seems quiet… until…)


CB: (chuckling nervously) Well, you see…

(We flashback to the previous night, where Metal, Stars, MDS, and CB sit in front of a GameCube)

CB: Woo, first again! (in a condescending tone) C’mon, step it up!

Metal and Stars: That was bullshit! You only won because you got a Blue Shell in fourth and you know it! (Stars proceeds to unplug the GameCube)

CB: OH COME ON!!! I SPENT FOUR HOURS TRYING TO BEAT THIS STUPID ALL-CUP TOUR AND ALL THAT PROGRESS WENT DOWN THE DRAIN! (Throws GameCube console at the TV. TV is completely totaled, but the GameCube is unscathed.)

(Few seconds of silence)

MDS: …Oh dear.

(back to present day)

CB: …and yeah, that’s what happened.

TM: You guys, except for MDS, have to buy a new TV, and are barred from using it for the first three days after installation! Got it?

(curt nods from CB, Metal, and Stars)

(cell phone rings)

CB: Hold on, lemme pick this up. Hey, TM, Johnny Barbados’s Pizza Parlor just called me in for a delivery job, I can’t go shopping with the others.

TM: (sighing) Fine, you get a pass. But 30% of your current video game fund will be used in paying for the TV.

(CB flashes a thumbs-up, before hopping out the window and onto his bike)

TM: (sighing) That kid is an absolute handful. Anyways, Metal, Stars, here’s the 30% of CB’s fund, and the rest has to come from your guys’ pockets because you’re already joined at the hip as it is.

MDS: So… what should I do?

TM: You’re not doing anything tomorrow, right?

MDS: Yep.

TM: Accompany Metal and Stars to the general store then. You can buy what you want, however, be it that figurine of that lady from the game you play, or another Gundam kit. I need someone to make sure those two stay out of trouble.

Metal: Hey! We can stay out of trouble!

(MDS escorts Stars and M Double to his car, a 2018 Toyota Corolla, and they leave for Gerry’s General Store)

(Mox comes down the stairs)

Mox: Hey, TM! Just got a phone call from the head of the Daily Duplex. Apparently, it burned down in a freak lighting accident, and two of their residents have to stay with us permanently. They’re called, ah… Ambrose Alley and OneWingedAngel.

(cut to Ambrose Alley and OWA following a map to the Nightly House)

Ambrose Alley: Angel, why on Earth did you think that stringing 3,000 volt bulbs onto a New Year’s decoration was a good idea?

Angel: I thought it’d be funny.

Ambrose Alley: And thanks to that, now we have to live with other people permanently. AND WE DON’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING BUT THE CLOTHES ON OUR BACKS AND THIS MAP!

Angel: But hey, I hear this group of people are really nice people. Can’t wait to see what’s in store…

(Smash cut to Mattdsm and BA yelling at each other)

Mattdsm: Where did you put my fucking B0$$ merchandise?!?

BA: (defensively) I didn’t touch it, I swear!


(TM appears in the doorway, everything goes silent)

TM: Both of you. Clean out the attic. NOW.

(Mattdsm and BA sigh in defeat, and trudge towards the attic)

TM: These two are going to be the death of me… (thinking) Now, how will we get those people accustomed to the Nightly House?

(cut to Johnny Barbados’ Pizza Parlor)

Boss: Look, kid, you’ve been doing a good job recently. If you can’t do this job, we won’t fault you at all. It’s REALLY freaking hard.

CB: I want to do it! Delivering pizzas is actually pretty fun, honestly.

Boss: (sighing) Your choice, but you can do it, kiddo. Since this is our most difficult delivery job, we’ll pay you $400 if you can do it. No penalties or anything if you can’t. You can make the deliveries after the deadline has expired, but that’ll be half pay. That OK?

CB: Deadline?

Boss: You have to make a 4-pizza delivery run… but the houses are on opposite sides of the city, and I’m guessing you only have your bike, right?

CB: Okay, I’m still going to do the job, but WHAT?!? 30 minutes to bike 24 miles? Well, this pays well regardless, at least. (hops on bike)

(fade to Gerry’s General Store)

Stars: Okay, how about this one?

Metal: That’s manufactured by Sony, you know CB isn’t going to like it.

Metal and Stars: 4K resolution’s too expensive as well…

MDS: Hey, just hurry up and pick a TV already! I have shopping to do as well!

Stars: What, going to buy another box of Klondike Bars?

(30 minutes later…)

MDS: Okay, now that you’re done shopping for a TV, now it’s my turn to shop for stuff. And you two have to lug that thing around so that no one decides to take it. NO BREAKS!

(Stars and M Double groan)

(what follows is a brief shopping montage)

(cuts to MDS lugging around a cart and taking several items, notably the IT (2017) Director’s Cut, Overwatch figurines of Tracer, Mei, and Doomfist, NieR: Automata, and Persona 5)

(end of montage and cut to commercial)

(back from commercial, cut to Mattdsm and BA cleaning out the attic)

BA: So remind me, why are we in this situation again?

Mattdsm: We’re cleaning out the attic because it’s a goddamn mess, and our two new roommates are staying up here, according to Mox.

BA: Joy. So far, we’ve returned CB’s Nintendo stuff to his room, and TM’s 20th century memorabilia to his, that’s the easiest jobs out of the way.

Mattdsm: Yeah, that’s because they only had a couple of boxes or so to move. Mox’s wrestling ring setup kit is over there, and just look at Metal and Stars’ boxes of stuff! And that’s all merchandise and signed posters of Bliss and the Icons!

(BA clears out a spider egg sac, and stumbles upon a box with shades on its side)

BA: Hey, Matt… isn’t this your B0$$ merchandise?

Mattdsm: Those sons of bitches moved it up here, didn’t they?

(cut to AA and OWA arriving at the house)

Ambrose Alley: This place looks nice.

Angel: Why are there spider egg sacs flying out of the attic?

(AA rings the doorbell)

Mox: So, you’re our new roommates?

(nods from AA and Angel)

Mox: Alright then, since the attic is getting cleared out for you guys, it’s time for you to see TM. You can find him in his room.

(AA and OWA walk to TM’s room)

Angel: This room looks freaky… almost like its time era was displaced.

(TM swivels around in his chair)

TM: Good day, sir and madam. So, what can I do for you?

Ambrose Alley: So, the Daily Duplex got immolated because the idiot on the right decided to blow up a New Year’s decoration, so we got moved here.

TM: Tell your friend that he’s not allowed to use electrical appliances without supervision from any of us, even the kid. You two will be staying up in the attic, which is getting cleared out now.

(distant yell from BA of, "SPIDERS!!!")

TM: They’ll be done before you know it.

Mattdsm: Alright, now we move Metal and Stars’ stuff back to their rooms. But what they don’t know is that I left the attic spiders in their boxes. Let’s see how they like it!

BA: You have fun with that. (gets pricked by a thumbtack and a barb of wire) Owww… Why doesn’t Mox just keep his tacks in a box or something? And why in the blue hell are there tangles of barbed wire just laying around his stuff?

(cut to CB arriving at a house)

CB: Okay, Mr… Jester, right? Here’s your pizzas. That’ll be $25.

(StalwartJester slams his door after paying)

CB: Jeez, he could’ve at least tipped a dollar. Well, now I have 20 minutes to go 18 miles… (starts calculating all sorts of equations under breath) right. Let’s see if Senjy’s (MDS) newest trick-out on this bike works. (presses a blue button)

(CB rockets off)

CB (thinking): Yep, half of this payout’s going straight to Senjy after this. This is amazing!

(cut to TM still going over ground rules, while Angel is slowly falling asleep)

TM: …And most importantly, you do NOT screw with my Chromcast or Soundcloud. That is punishable by eviction, and it’s how our latest eviction about 7 months ago happened. Got that?

(AA nods and drags a snoring Angel out of the room)

TM: I honestly want to spice this place up. It looks kinda boring and weird. (Starts devising blueprints for a room) Maybe I should get CB to work on this with MDS. In fact, I think that he’d probably do this for everyone’s rooms anyways, so maybe a meeting later regarding that. In the meantime…

(cut to MDS’ Toyota stuck on the freeway. Stars is driving)

Stars: Just how long is this traffic jam going to last? And for the love of Bliss, MDS, can you stop playing video games back there?

(Metal checks Waze)

Metal: About 2 to 3 hours more, why?

(horn is heard honking as Stars is banging his head on the wheel)

MDS: How about no? I got dragged into this mess because you two and CB can’t handle winning or losing (aside: Though I’d say that wiping four hours worth of progress is the bigger offender), at least let me enjoy myself! (McCree: It’s high noon!)

(Stars starts slowly gnashing his teeth while they wait for traffic to clear out)

(cut to Mox lugging out his wrestling ring kit and dragging AA along)

Ambrose Alley: Why am I doing this again?

Mox: This is the kind of stuff that’s commonplace at the Nightly House. I’m just helping you get settled while BA is watching Angel in the attic.

Ambrose Alley: Hopefully he doesn’t swallow a spider or something…

(AA and Mox laugh)

(cut to CB arriving at the pizza parlor)

Boss: Y’know kid, you did good! Here’s the $400, and there’s gonna be an overtime bonus in your next paycheck due to you doing the job!

(CB is revealed to covered in lacerations and cuts)

CB (weakly): Yep, definitely worth it. See ya next week, boss.

(CB cycles away)

CB: Still can’t believe that Lordban guy had several chairs laced with barbed wire. Well, at least I’m almost home.

(cut to Mattdsm and BA playing on a PS4 Pro)

BA: So, what did you do with those 4 spider egg sacs you took while I was organizing Mox’s crap into proper places?

Mattdsm: What goes around comes around, BA.

(cut to Sasha Banks slamming Charlotte on a flaming table)

(BA winces)

Mattdsm: I probably shouldn’t have accused you of moving my B0$$ merch, and for that, I’m sorry, dude.

BA: All water under the bridge. But really, what happened to those last four spider egg sacs?

(smash cut to the spiders eating the merchandise)

Mattdsm: Nothing to worry about.

(cut to MDS back in the neighborhood)

MDS: And we’re back.

Stars: About time, too! I need to take a nap or something after today’s mess.

(Metal’s thinking about ogling his Iconic merch)

MDS: Hey, TM! I’m back! And I got a new movie for movie night as well!

(TM opens the door)

TM: Ah, good job, MDS! I assume these two didn’t cause much trouble?

MDS: Nope.

TM: CB says he has a surprise for you, MDS. Why don’t you go see him? He’s in his room right now, playing what you’d expect him to play. Though I wonder if that cranky guy on the east end of the city was the one who roughed him up. I’ll set up this darn TV.

(MDS goes upstairs)

TM: You two, don’t do that again. You know that I would be furious if you did the same thing to me like what you did to CB last night.

(Stars and Metal nod)

MDS: So, CB you wanted to see me… yikes, that looks nasty.

CB: Hey, dude, just wanted to say thank you for installing nitro jets on my bike. Here’s half my pay from today, maybe you can buy another Gundam kit. Hey, want a Klondike? I snatched two from the freezer.

MDS: Say, did you see the new people here? How are they?

CB: Yes, I did, and I must say that the lady’s really polite and sweet. The guy, I didn’t get to see much of.

MDS: What are you pla-

(screams from Stars and Metal)

Metal: NOOO, my PeyKay merch!

Stars: You think that’s bad?! My Bliss merch is half gone!

CB: Well, all’s well that ends well, I guess.

(CB and MDS laugh before going downstairs for dinner)

End of episode


(everyone sitting at dinner table)

TM: So, everyone enjoying the food?

(chorus of "yes," along with vigorous nods from AA and Angel)

TM: How did your guys’ days go?

MDS: Fine, for the most part.

Mox: Wrestling ring’s almost done!

CB: Someone get me some painkiller…

Mox: Jeez, you look like you stumbled into my room or something! What happened?

CB (muttering): I don’t wanna talk about it.

Metal and Stars: This was the worst day ever!

Metal: My PeyKay merch!!

Ambrose Alley: That’s the fifth time in 15 minutes that you’ve said that.

TM: Alright, now I’m going to call a meeting. Lately, our rooms have seemed pretty drab, and we’re going to have to remodel the attic anyways for our guests. How many of you want remodeled rooms?

(everyone raises their hand)

TM: Well, it’s settled then. CB, you and MDS are going to construct whatever the person wants in their room, while AA and I help Mox finish up the ring outside. You’ll find my blueprint in CB’s bedroom. Everyone else, make a blueprint of what you want and give it to those two.

(blueprint montage)

CB: So, long day tomorrow, huh MDS?

MDS: Yep.

Angel: Can I do some installments of my-

Everyone: NO!

Stars: At least make sure you keep a spider alive in my room. It looks kinda cute, honestly.

(BA huddling in a corner, whispering, "Spiders.")

Mox: Hey TM, isn’t Adam coming back from that business trip of his tomorrow? He flew out to Britain to meet this guy called PoundSterling or something, I think it was a business opportunity?

TM: Oh, yeah, you’re right! I think he said it went well the last time he called the house.

CB: Okay, look, it’s great and all that Adam’s coming back, but can I get some sleep so I don’t accidentally skewer myself with a power drill or a nailgun or something tomorrow?

Mox: Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

TM: Metal, Stars, I heard that they’re running an NXT live event out here in California! Maybe then you can restock on your merch?

(21st Century Bandit Productions, sponsored by Shootin’ da Breeze and 2Guys1Sport)

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