WWE RAW (May 22, 2017) - Abridged

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

BRAY: stand up cause imma creepybeat Bork

UNIVERSE: um k

BRAY: plus Seth and Joe and Finn and Roman suck

speak of the devil

ROMAN: shut up

BRAY: nah

ROMAN: imma win at Extreme Rules then imma beat Bork, let’s fight

YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK

KURT: y’all get to fight

ROMAN: cool, have my beef

BRAY: nah, have my beef

suddenly JOE

JOE: there was some mention of beef

ROMAN: nah it’s all ours

JOE: coquina clutches then

suddenly SETH

SETH: bye Joe

ROMAN: superman punch Bray

SETH: hey Roman

ROMAN: hey Seth

SETH: wanna fight

ROMAN: nah

SETH: k but I still wanna fight Joe

KURT: k you two tag against Joe and Bray later

a wild DRIFTER appears

KURT: and you fight Dean later

suddenly purple ropes

TOZAWA: gonna fight Daivari

COLE: hey The Brian, you’re watching on the Random Locker Room TV, how bout that

THE BRIAN: I’m the teacher

TOZAWA: LOUD NOISES

THE BRIAN: those are dumb

TOZAWA: pin

DAIVARI: k

THE BRIAN: imma beat Tozawa tomorrow

CHARLY: hey Sasha, you’re fighting Foxy, how bout that

SASHA: Foxy and Noam are gross

NOAM: yeah but you’re single

SASHA: neat, bye

DRIFTER: imma strum some stuff

UNIVERSE: nah

DEAN: can we fight now

UNIVERSE: YAY

COLE: Miz on commentary

UNIVERSE: VERY YAY

DEAN: I got crazy offense

DRIFTER: no way me too, also mat game and shoulder and pin

DEAN: nah but we should hang out more

DRIFTER: dude totally, also armbar

DEAN: imma rally, but are we bffs now

DRIFTER: faceknee and pin and for sure

DEAN: nah and awesome

MIZ: that’s my word so imma beat up Drifter

REF: Dean’s DQd

DEAN: welp Miz dies now

DRIFTER: nah

MIZ: run awayyyyyyyyy

DRIFTER: hey Dean wanna get pizza

DEAN: read my mind

CASS: WHAT HAPPENED

REF: apparently Zo got murderdeathkilled

ZO: yep but idk who murderdeathkilled me

KURT: looks like we got a murderdeathkill mystery

CASS: yep

FINN’s

here

and

takes

a

good

while

to

enter

FINN: imma win at Extreme Rules then imma beat Bork

suddenly HEYMAN

HEYMAN: nah cause Bork’s gonna beat whoever but you’re pretty great

FINN: yeah but also imma win at Extreme Rules then imma beat Bork

suddenly GOODBROS

ANDERSON: sorry I’m late, let’s fight

FINN: hey wanna do a five star match

VINCE: nah three stars at most

ANDERSON: but we can do it

VINCE: but this is just Raw dammit

FINN: fine, three stars and pin

ANDERSON: k

FOXY: we fighting now Sasha

SASHA: yup

FOXY: what’s this about again

SASHA: no idea

NOAM: also I’m here

FOXY: whatever let’s fight

they do

SASHA: pin

FOXY: k

SASHA: imma slap Noam

FOXY: then have a scissor kick

SASHA: oh

KALISTO: hey Apollo you turning heel

APOLLO: nah

TITUS: but Titus Brand

KALISTO: but Titus Brand sucks

TITUS: then you fight Apollo later

KALISTO: wait you can make matches

TITUS: sure why not

GOLDUST: I’m a heel now

CHARLY: hey Alexa, you beat up Bayley with a kendo last week, how bout that

ALEXA: imma do it again at Extreme Rules and imma beat Mickie tonight

KALISTO: imma do kicky flippy lucha things to Apollo

TITUS: ALSO I’M HERE

APOLLO: you don’t say

KALISTO: salida del sol and pin

APOLLO: k

TITUS: NAH

MATT: time to fight

UNIVERSE: DELETE

VINCE: dammit I’m pressing that key and nothing’s happening

MATT: outta the ring offense

SHEAMUS: but you’re in peril

MATT: oh right

SHEAMUS: cool now lemme do my offense

MATT: nah, DDT

SHEAMUS: seriously, have a running knee

MATT: ooh a rope

CESARO: distraction?

JEFF: nah, dive

RANDY: STAHP

MATT: twist of fate and pin

SHEAMUS: k

CHARLY: hey Hardyz, you pick the Extreme Rules stip, how bout that

BEAR: obviously ladders

MATT: steel cage

BEAR: oh

suddenly purple ropes

TONY: imma fight Aries

NEVILLE: also I’m here

ARIES: knee’s hurt, you totally have a chance

TONY: really

ARIES: nah, last chancery

TONY: k

NEVILLE: I’m mad so rings of saturn to Tony

ARIES: neat

MICKIE: I’m so fine I blow my mind

ALEXA: hey Mickie

MICKIE: yep

ALEXA: I’m the champ

MICKIE: but have you tried crossfaces

ALEXA: those hurt

MICKIE: does this facekick hurt worse

ALEXA: bout the same, have YOU tried ddt and pin

MICKIE: k

ALEXA: does this kendo hurt worse

MICKIE: yep

suddenly BAYLEY

BAYLEY: kendo’s mine now

ALEXA: run awayyyyy

BAYLEY: also Mickie’s my friend now

MICKIE: huh

BRAY: here’s my fireflies

JOE: here’s Seth’s music - wait why

BRAY: I did that cause mind games

JOE: how

BRAY: eh

SETH: here I come with my music

ROMAN: me too

SETH: cool but I wanna fight

ROMAN: but I wanna overcome things

SETH: later

ROMAN: fiiiiiiiine

SETH: imma beat up Bray

JOE: but distraction

SETH: but dodge

PICCOLO: see how easy it is Gohan

BRAY: Seth gets a barricade, also mat graps

SETH: tag

ROMAN: time to overcome th-

BRAY: spider

ROMAN: ew

BRAY: hey Joe, wanna show Roman the barricade

JOE: oh do I

KURT’s watching the Random Backstage TV, JOE and BRAY beat up ROMAN

ROMAN: is this so I can overcome things

BRAY: sure

ROMAN: cool but Joe gets a ringpost, tag

SETH: whee flippy stuff

BRAY: nah

SETH: imma dive

RANDY: [internally screaming]

ROMAN: time to overcome things

JOE: dodge so you hit Seth

PICCOLO: see that Gohan, even the big dude can do it

GOHAN: I see

BRAY: sister abigail to Roman

JOE: coquina clutch to Seth

SETH: imma nap

REF: bell

FINN: hey Kurt I wanted to fight

KURT: cool, you fight Joe and Bray next week and Seth fights Roman too

FINN: k