This episode of Total Divas opens with Nikki wondering if Brie's new book purchase is the Kama Sutra. Hey now. It is not. Brie starts to explain the wonders of the female body and Nikki reminds her that this will not apply for her because there is no gestation in her future. Brie tells Nikki she should look into it anyway then proceeds to explain about fertilized eggs.
Brie: (Part about eggs that I will spare you..) It's a hormonal imbalance and that's probably why you're nuts.
Nikki: Wait, you think I'm nuts?
It's time it's time it's @TotalDivas time— Rusev (@RusevBUL) April 20, 2017
Miz and Maryse are arriving backstage at Smackdown Live in Memphis. They are having a conversation about walking...in Memphis!
Maryse: You're walking too fast
Miz: You're a slow walker
I mostly just put that in there so I could make my Marc Cohn reference.
They find a quiet hallway with a random elderly man sitting at a table and start to review their schedules. These schedules are naturally pages and pages long because they are high profile, very in-demand A-listers! Maryse wants to know when she flies in for one event and Miz wants to know why she can't just look at the pages to see for herself.
Maryse: Stop messing with me! Tell me, dammit!
Miz: You can read, can't you?
Maryse: In like three different languages.
Miz wants Maryse to get her eyes checked but first he makes her try on the elderly table man's glasses.
Maryse says in her talking head that her eyes aren't that bad she just can't drive at night because she can't read the highway signs! Ok. Now we all feel good about being on the road.
The A-Lister enlists the man who will become King of the Cruiserweights, Neville who is wearing HIS glasses, to test Maryse's eyesight.
Neville holds up 5 fingers and Maryse answers that he is holding up 4.
Miz: Five. You got bad sight. Now I know why you married me, because all you see is blurred. It's all, this is all one big blur. Now I get it!
Hey Cena, Maryse can't actually see you.
Cesaro Wants Something - And A Lot Of It
Next we see Mark Carrano, VP of Talent Relations, very (very) warmly greet Eva Marie then frantically gesture for Nattie to come over.
Mark: Cesaro wants lots of ---
Nattie (looks at Eva): You're getting something tonight?
Huh? But no time to put Caitlyn on the Case to figure out what he means by Cesaro (a Raw roster member) and what he wants lots of. My best guesses include coffee, Seth Rollins bonding time, uppercuts, Chipotle, pants, deadlifts, storylines and brass rings... but we must move on because Eva has a storyline!
Eva tells Mark that she's interested to see what she'll be doing for the show, and he confidently tells her "It's good. It's pretty cool. It sets you apart from everybody else."
With a sassy hair toss, Eva reminds him she already is set apart from everybody else.
Eva is apparently going against Naomi in a match and they generously show us some of Eva's genius announcer intro. Then we learn that she has been delayed due to traffic and is unable to compete. I believe this is out of order of Eva's excuses but whatever.
Eva (talking head): My storyline right now is my character makes excuses every single week as to why I cannot perform. I feel so grateful but a little disappointed just because I felt like yay this is totally the opportunity to come back and get put back onto TV in a proper way. And now I'm like ‘What does this even mean?'
What does it all mean anyway?
At the A-List Abode in Los Angeles, Miz wanders in bellowing "Honey I'm home." Just like those scenes in the movies! He finds his wife behind the bar.
Maryse: You want a drink?
Miz: No, it's early in the day!
Maryse: No it's not, it's like 1.
I love them.
He tells his wife he got her a card with a nice handwritten note. Because I am generous, here it is for you:
"Babe, you are the most beautiful woman on Earth. I love you. You are my everything."
Miz: That's not what it says. You can't read it?
Maryse: It's too small.
Miz: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you can't read this, and I caught you."
The man can do it all! He can act in Shakespeare's plays if he wanted and overtake Shakespeare as an all-time literary genius if he so chose.
Maryse: That's mean. This is like super small. You did this on purpose.
Miz shows Maryse the second part of the gift - the generosity never ends. He has retrieved for her pairs of glasses to try on.
Miz tells her if she won't wear glasses, contact lenses (she tells us they irritate her eyes), she should go for Lasik surgery like he did. Maryse tells him "I'm not getting my eyes cut."
It is Lana and Rusev's fake wedding celebration at Monday Night Raw and they are getting ready for their segment. She tells him that Mark Carrano told her the great news - she has been picked to go to Anguilla to do charity work for WWE! Lana suggests Rusev joins her because he loves to snorkel and scuba dive.
Rusev: I'll sleep on it.
Paige is also at Raw chanting USA as Rusev and Lana come out for the fake wedding, then remarks no one's around to get the joke. I guess the joke is that she is British.
Paige reminds everyone that she is on the sidelines because of her neck injury and that not doing any wrestling is depressing. Mark Carrano comes to find her. Uh oh. He asks to speak with her and they go to find a room. In this room is an official and Jerry "The King" Lawler. The blurb on screen only IDs him as a former WWE superstar, and not commentator. Probably of no interest but I'm noting it anyway. Carrano makes small talk with Lawler then asks him to leave so he can speak to Paige.
When we next see Paige, she is wandering outside in the parking lot on the phone with Alberto del Rio, identified as "former WWE superstar." Ha. When we last heard of Paige and Alberto, they had been drafted to separate brands and just had a dramatic break-up, but alright.
She is tearily telling him "I can't [expletive] believe this. This is my life. it's not fair, it's not fair. It's not my fault."
Paige talking head: Right now I'm pissed. WWE posted a statement about me failing the wellness policy. We get drug tested all the time. First of all, I don't do drugs. Second of all, I did the test, and I passed it. They're only suspending me because I didn't take it in the allotted time that they gave me. I don't know what's going on with it. I got suspended. Thank you. My takeaway to this whole experience is just do things exactly when they want ‘em. I never thought a year ago to now my life would be like this. But I'm a strong girl. I'll get over it at some point.
Eva's Gonna Walk? Or Wrestle?
Now we're at Smackdown Live in Norfolk and Miz's theme song is playing. I am on a kick where I am living for Miz's theme so this pleases me. Backstage, Eva and Nattie are hanging out and discussing her storyline.
Eva: Yeah. It's just, like, disappointing. What's the pay-off? The pay-off has to be huge, because if not, they're gonna [expletive] on my entire...
Nattie: Then you'll walk.
Nattie: Then everything you've done in NXT is for nothing.
Nattie: And actually that's like a legitimate concern. I mean, sometimes our storylines aren't always what we expect. I had a storyline once where I farted.
What? Walk? WHERE IS THE PAY-OFF? WHEN DO I GET IT.
Nattie says in her talking head Eva needs to let go of what she can't control.
Eva: I don't mind because I feel like I'm building layers on, like........
Nattie (interrupts): But you need something to back it up.
Eva: I need something like heavy. They need to strap me with a mother [expletive] title.
They follow this conversation up with the match with Becky Lynch where Eva has the knee injury.
Eva (talking head): I guess what bothers me about this storyline is I went back down to NXT to train. I progressed at NXT and I'm ready to wrestle. I could have had this storyline three years ago when I walked into WWE.
Next we see Carmella with Renee on Talking Smack discussing Eva. This makes me think that I can totally see Carm as a future cast addition. Thoughts?
Steak and Starfish
Lana, Rusev and Renee arrive in Anguilla. Lana is super excited to reunite with Naomi/Trinity, one of her good friends, since they were separated by the 2016 draft.
Lana and Renee discuss how excited they are to get out and work with the children.
Rusev pipes up with "We're like children. That's why we're gonna have children."
Can you imagine this man as a father? My word.
They arrive at their gorgeous villa and go to pick rooms which is always a fun task in any group.
Renee tells the cameras in her talking head that Rusev wasn't originally supposed to be on the trip at all.
Lana: If you want to stay up here, that's fine, but just know that Rusev might walk around naked, you know.
Renee: Why is this like..? I don't understand. Do you not have breathable underwear? What's happening?
Lana: He just likes to be naked. He likes to cook steak naked actually. But you know, feel free to stay up here if you want and like, you know, he's just gonna be around, walking around naked. I mean, it's just a penis. I'm completely fine with people seeing me naked and him naked.
I have never thought of how Rusev cooks steak but now I know that he couldn't possibly cook steak any other way. With those words of warning, I guess, Lana and Renee go outside where they find Rusev splashing out about in the pool. He is wearing a Speedo. Renee flees the scene and tells him "Keep your b-hole out of this! If I see your starfish I'm gonna be pissed."
Brie and Nikki are going to a holistic doctor for Brie to get acupuncture for some wrist pain and conception assistance. Brie tells the doctor she's recently gone full vegetarian and the doctor and Nikki wonder if she's not replacing her iron. The good doc recommends that spinach is a great way to get more iron. Nikki, like any good friend in a doc appointment, pipes up to tell the doc her side of Brie's story.
Next we see them hanging out and Nikki has ordered food. A lot of food, to be precise.
For Brie, she has ordered her fifteen containers of spinach....which has iron..which can help her get pregnant!
Brie: Are you out of your mind? Are you playing a joke on me? This is so obnoxious.
Nikki tells her that all of Brie's spinach containers equal how much iron is on Nikki's plate.
Brie: Why couldn't it be plates and plates full of dark chocolate?
(I ask this a lot).
Nikki: Spinach was cheaper.
Brie tells Nikki "If my body can't figure out how to conceive on a vegetarian diet, my body can only figure it out with meat, then I just don't think kids are it for me in this lifetime.
Nikki rightfully points out that this is crazy talk because Brie badly wants to be a mother.
Brie (talking head): Being a mother would be the most amazing thing in the world, but at the same time, if my vegetarian diet's prevented me from conceiving, there's no way that I would sacrifice my beliefs for animals to be a mom.
All very noble.
Brie FaceTimes Rosa Mendes, retired WWE wrestler, ex-Total Divas cast member, mom, and former vegetarian who went back to eating meat for motherhood. Rosa tells her that if she's trying to conceive, the body likely needs all the help it can get and that when she did it, she felt okay about it. Brie says she keeps hearing the same answers but she doesn't feel they're necessarily the right answers.
Renee, Lana and Rusev descend upon the gorgeous Anguilla beach. Renee throws out the question of what they're doing for the first night there, and Lana says she was thinking that she and Rusev go do their own thing. Renee gamely agrees.
Then Lana begins to whip out her camera and asks Renee to photograph. Renee gamely agrees.
Then they get in the water where Rusev/Lana canoodle and Renee bobs in the water nearby.
Renee (talking head): I'm for sure feeling like the third wheel but I'm rolling with it because I know in just a little bit of time my girl Trinity's gonna show up. Thank God!
Trinity/Naomi rolls up on a ferry a day later (?) and Lana is so excited to see Naomi she twerks on a rock.
Naomi: Are you twerking on a rock right now? I like it! I'm not mad at it! I'm here! It's time to turn it up!
They jump off some rocks (the scenery here is to-die for) then go back up to the house. Lana takes more pictures.
Lana: You're so handsome!!!
Rusev in a matter-of-fact tone: I know.
Naomi is trying to go put her stuff in her room but Lana keeps taking pictures.
Renee (talking head): So, I'm not really sure what's going on with Lana right now. Trin (Naomi) shows up and now she can't get enough of being around Trin and I.
In LA at the A-List Abode, Miz is returned from the gym.
Maryse talking head: Mike and I have been together for over ten years now and you know, sometimes I like to spice it up, and send him little gifts via phone.
(I originally thought she said gifs and was like LOL I DO THAT TOO then I turned my closed captioning on..ah that beautiful accent)
Maryse sent him a naked picture while he was at the gym. Miz, unsuccessfully fighting back a smirk, tells her he's been on the phone all morning talking to "Ziggler, Renee and Ryder because you didn't just send it to me. You know you put it on a group text, right?"
Maryse: No, no, no, no. You're messing with me.
Is that really a group text in existence? Ziggler, Renee, Ryder, Miz, Maryse. My God.
The "accidentally sent wrong text in a group chat" plot device is so tired but I can and will pretty much excuse anything for the A-Listers.
Miz makes her mishap about her bad eyesight, saying she couldn't see that she was on the group text.
Backstage at Smackdown, Eva and Nattie are eating lunch with a WWE contest winner who is training to be a wrestler, and her grandmother. The grandmother tells Nattie and Eva how big of a fan her granddaughter has been throughout her life. Nattie tells the twosome that many of the superstars are just big fans.
Eva talking head: I'm just realizing it's such an honor to even be here, my storyline ain't that bad, I'm not going out there and passing gas like Nattie had to do.
We see Miz and Maryse arrive backstage for her first backstage appearance since she accidentally sent the sext. Miz jokes Maryse is going to keep her big sunglasses on in hopes no one can see her. She calls the incident embarrassing because those guys are like her brothers.
They run into Zach Ryder who is just thrilled to see them and calls Miz the man, and says "By the way, you have a way better life than I do!"
Ziggler of course wonders if she meant to text another man besides Miz.
Next, we see Becky and Eva's match where Eva has the wardrobe malfunction.
Eva talking head: So when it comes down to it, we're entertainers and I just need to embrace the moment and enjoy it and do the best I can with what I'm given.
Back in Anguilla, Naomi and Renee are planning to hit the town for dinner and Renee is excited for her one-on-one time with Naomi. They start doing shots at the bar
Renee: AH! It hurts! I'm drooling!
A few more shots consumed and Renee yells "I'll drink with you until the sun comes up!"
Man, they look fun. Whatever. I'm huddled over a laptop drinking $8.99 wine out of a Pub Dog tumbler! It's fine.
Lana wonders what Trinity/Naomi and Renee are doing. Falling out of hammocks is the answer. Lana ponders calling them to see what they're up to and they can go out together. Rusev wisely tells her "Live your life, lady."
She calls Renee who tells her they're just living life wherever they want to go.
Lana: That's nice.
Renee: We're at a place called Deez
Lana: You're at Double D's?
Renee: We're at Deez Nutz!
They hang up on Lana. Rusev tells Lana to make up her mind of who she wants to hang out with. Lana says in the talking head she feels left out.
Renee and Naomi get dropped off at the villa, drunk as hell (yas!) and they discover the Rusevs have gone to bed. They decide to break into their room, get a hilarious photo and then scare them. They are as subtle as AJ Styles' accent and wake up Lana.
Then they start splashing around the pool. Lana comes out complaining they've woken her up. Renee: What are you, 65?
Lana tells Renee she's "so needy for attention and it's disgusting".
Naomi wraps her arms around Lana's waist and basically pushes her back to the room.
The next day Rusev arrives to breakfast and Lana proclaims that she and Renee are not friends anymore. Rusev apparently did not hear any of the screaming. Renee takes her breakfast outside and Rusev is like ‘why', apparently ignoring the tension and what his wife just told him.
Lana: It's just pointless.
Rusev: What's pointless?
Lana: Friends. I don't need friends, I have you. Yay!
Rusev: Well that's true but still. We all need friends.
Lana tells him that when you get really good friends, you're vulnerable to being hurt so why put yourself in that position. Rusev urges her to "hug and kiss and make-up and do whatever you have to do."
They head over to do the actual charity work they are there for. They're delivering school supplies to a local hope center. Lana talks with a little girl who hailed from England and so Lana tells her about being from Russia.
They return from the event all in high spirits from hanging with the kids and Lana apologizes to Renee and Naomi.
Lana confesses to being jealous due to not being at Smackdown and has been wondering where she fit in.
Naomi: Why can't we all fit in together?
tagging @geno @sean :)
Lana tells them that the little girl from the center who talked about moving from England made her think about her own childhood where she was constantly moving around. All this moving made her feel disconnected and constantly left out. Aw. She talks about how pushing people away is a defense mechanism.
Nikki and Brie are going to cryotherapy where you basically freeze your body and it helps with soreness and makes you feel amazing. The temperature's like negative 220 which makes this sound like the least fun thing. Brie tells the guy that she loves it and goes all the time, and then explains her conception situation. He explains that cryotherapy stresses the body out and can shut down the ovaries or something. Oh....light bulb! I'll accept this I guess.
Through Poor Sight And In Good Sight
Miz has scheduled a Lasik appointment with a very reputable Lasik surgeon. Maryse tells the cameras she's putting on a front because she's scared. We watch the surgery. Well, many viewers probably watched it. I hid my own dainty eyes because seeing people's eyes get poked apart with an ice pick ain't my cuppa tea. Sorry to deprive. Email complaints to management.
She tells the cameras that surgery was fast and easy and wondered why she waited so long to get it done.
In a few days after surgery, Maryse is in awe at her newfound sight. Miz has another card for her! Geez.
"Babe, the first time I saw you, you took my breath away. I remember sitting at the Diva Search desk watching you walk in. you had my heart right then and there. I remember telling myself if only I could get a girl like this. Somehow it happened and I love every minute, seeing the world with you, and now you can see it clearly. I love you."
I will end it there because there is nothing I can follow that up with.
Is Renee Young my BFF yet: As of right now, no.
Who was Mark Carrano's best interaction with: Eva due to his affection for her.
Best Cameo: Neville being helpful. Also it is just nice to see and hear Mauro Ranallo.