Total Divas Recap: 'Not to be rude, but you're not main event'

Eva Marie and Maryse are backstage. Miz has been flying back and forth (on a private plane I'm sure) doing additional work in Vancouver for Marine 5, and Maryse hasn't really seen him Absence makes the A-Listers hearts grow fonder but the light in their selfies dimmer. Maryse wants to do something "totfull" something sexy because Miz loves sexy and Maryse is sexy and she knows it! Eva, Merriam-Webster ambassador, corrects her pronunciation of "thoughtful." Maryse is mulling over the idea of a photoshoot that is "fun, sexy, and sweet" because she thinks her husband deserves it.

What, no "he deserves it" chants?

Eva throws out the idea that they do a photoshoot together. Ayyeeee.

Suddenly parade of men in black afoot.

Eva and Maryse poll the men in black "if you guys were away from your girlfriend or wife, what would you want to come home to? Like, something like hot and sexy?"

Survey Respondent 1 removes his hat to deliver his answer: A home-cooked meal does it for me.

Eva/Maryse: That's it?

Survey Respondent 2: A fifth of Crown Royale and a foot rub!

Survey Respondent 3: and her best friend!

Simple creatures men are.

Eva (talking head): Maryse and I get along great. You know, I've had my fair share of issues with every single one of the girls in the locker room. But I feel very comfortable with her and I enjoy her company and it's easy.

They are bathing suit shopping for their upcoming shoot, which is still without a theme.

Maryse: Oh wow, padding. I don't remember wearing a bikini with padding.

Eva: That's because you have fake boobs.

Eva declares "I kind of now am feeling like a concept coming. You know like back in the day Baywatch was like the thing, and like kind of looking at.."

(This is how everyone should announce their #ideas for #content)

Maryse immediately loves it.

Eva: "I'm like looking at you and you're, like, very hot..."

Maryse: Yes.


Maryse gives Eva the BFF test -€” if you can recite the infamous "You work off commission, right?" line from Pretty Woman.

The Business of Brie

Brie finally tells us on camera about Bryan accepting the GM position of Smackdown Live. Also he is "SweetFace" in her phone

Brie (talking head): "Bryan asked me to come on the road with him and I thought ‘what the heck'

Wild child! Brie Mode!

She also adds that going on the road could help with that baby-making. "Yes" indeed!

She arrives backstage and finds Bryan. Note his reaction to her water situation. She tells him she feels weird going into the locker room to fill up her water bottle because people will be like ‘what is she doing here?' and ‘she's not a part of it anymore.' This kind of saddens me. Isn't everyone BFF and eating a cake made out of rainbows and smiles?

He asks her if she wants to get worked up by watching him work out. He goes into the arena to jump rope and Brie sits in the bleachers.

Back in the hotel, Bryan is doing some light reading about the course of love and couples allowing for complexity in disagreements. He is also performing a song, the lyrics of which I will transcribe below:

"Brie took all the pillows, Brie took all the pillows, how am I supposed to read when Brie took all the pillows"

Beautiful! Speaks to me. Brie, Pillow Taker, preps for a call with Nikki and their agents and bemoaning the terrible hotel wi-fi.

Then we see Nikki dialing into the call while riding around middle seat in a car. Nikki Bella and I dial in to our conference calls the same way.

But no Brie appears. The agents tell Nikki that they cannot do the call without Brie and they're busy until next week bye.

Nikki finally gets in touch with Brie who is apologetic, blaming it on the hotel wi-fi, but Nikki doesn't accept that as an excuse, saying she should have gone to Starbucks. Nikki is all fired up shooting "Why are you even ON the road? Didn't you retire? Like, it's just so weird to me."

Nikki (talking head): Typical Brie! She always puts Bryan first 100%.

Nikki rants further about how Brie said she was going to put more effort into the businesses when she retired but Nikki ain't seeing it.

The Gall to Glow

Backstage at Smackdown Live in Cincinnati, Naomi approaches Mark Carrano, VP of Talent Relations, to talk to him about "something major". Also I am 96.7% sure Enzo Amore, Raw roster member, is in the background. Naomi tells us in her talking head that she feels stuck.

Naomi tells Carrano she has been working on something "epic" and she "finally" got her Feel the Glow merch shirt but she wants to do a "cool glow entrance". She tells Carrano of her plans for glow-in-the-dark gear and that she has a routine. She states "But basically what I need is to get with Production" then immediately follows up with the "But I know it takes a lot to do that..." and Carrano cannot reply fast enough that "IT DOES."

Ooooh, lots of women in the workforce can probably relate to Naomi in this scene. Telling your male boss what you need while being self-aware and gracefully trying not to come across as "demanding" because GOD FORBID. It's all about how you play it. Anyway...

He tells her she will get the chance and she'll have to present to TV to figure out how cameras will work, then get Creative team on board where "they might have some minor tweaks. They're not going to take it from you but they might have some tweaks". Carrano then ends with a Blow to her Glow: "So right now, we have to shelve it, just for a moment, until we get all that approval going." Naomi is exasperated to hear this.

Naomi (talking head): "After 7 years I'm still being told ‘now is not right time' but when the----! When is the right time!"

Carrano tries to soften the blow by assuring her they know what she can do athletically (they are committed to that adjective for her), what she can do in the ring, she's smart, good-looking, and gets it (whew!) "But right now, take a breath and hit the pause button."

Naomi throws a dutiful "Thank you Mark" out as he drifts away.

If You Give A Lunatic A Glass of Wine...

Renee and Dean pull up in front of a rental in Lake Tahoe for a vacation and Renee tells the cameras she is looking forward to a little bit of romance.

They are trying to encourage their dog Blue to relieve himself after a long car ride.

Dean leads the way as the leader of the pack onto the grass.

Dean: "Take a leak! Relieve yourself! Want me to do it first?"

*goes to unzip*

Renee: NO! Dean, NO! This is not our backyard. You can't do that here.

Renee suggests their first activity of going outside, listening to music, and catching some rays. Dean has a different vision. He leaps on to the kitchen table and strikes a pose. Renee guesses he's correcting his chi, but alas, he is miming wakeboarding.

Renee (talking head): We spend a lot of the time when we're together doing some of the stuff that he wants to do. I'm hoping that it switches gears a little bit here.

Their dog Blue proceeds to freak out over a rocking horse pig thing that looks exactly like Blue. Poor Blue is not down with these fakers and their faking.

For the first night, Renee wants to put on a cute little outfit while putting out a nice homecooked meal. She skips downstairs to get their evening of romance started and finds Dean in a living room with a pizza. He got her favorite!

Renee Young's Favorite Pizza: Hawaiian

Renee is dismayed, reminding him she said in the car she was going to cook dinner tonight because they were going to a nice restaurant tomorrow. She goes "I was so prepared, I like looked up recipes and stuff. Now you've got like a pizza? Where'd you even get this from?"

Renee softens when she sees the pizza. She says in her talking head that she is down for pizza and beer -€ but not on this trip.

Dean: I love you; I don't want you slaving in the kitchen! I brought a hot meal to you. I had a young man on a bicycle deliver a hot meal to you that is your favorite.


After they enjoy a night of pizza and beer, Renee has big plans for their nice restaurant and she has to take her man shopping to prepare.

Dean: You really tricked me with your whole like ‘pretend to be low maintenance thing' then you dropped a bomb on me! You hang around the Bellas too much!

Renee ain't having that. She says in her talking head that she is putting her foot down because she wants to go to a nice restaurant and she knows Dean will love it. But Dean has not packed appropriately for the trip. What a total lunatic! Dean's got his shades on, hands in pockets, his Lake Tahoe sweatshirt on, and the precise approach you think he would take to suit shopping. You don't need me to tell you about this approach. Just think about Dean Ambrose suit shopping and you got it. I have faith.

Saleswoman *holds up article of clothing*

Renee: That one's nice!

Dean: What, do I work at Radio Shack?

Dean's bod was not meant to be hidden under tank tops or behind fitting room doors, so thank you Lake Tahoe Store, producers, Renee, Dean, hills of Las Vegas, God, whoever. He takes his shirt off and tries on the jacket in the middle of the store with onlookers gawking and Renee cheekily apologizing to them for the show.

Renee talks in the talking head about how Dean might like the suit more than he thinks. Next, Dean has the tough task of trying shoes on while standing up (ok this is hard for any human). The saleswoman bends down to help while Renee cheers the duo on "Jut get it in there. Do what ya gotta do. Push" while the saleswoman jokingly calls him Cinderella.

Renee: Don't you feel good about what you got though?

Dean (dryly): Oh ya I'm gonna look real great.

Renee: One night only. This does not have to be a mainstay. Are you snoring?

Naomi, Jon/Jimmy Uso and Nattie are backstage at a WWE Live event in Anaheim, laughing about Nattie getting "heat" for calling Naomi the "dark horse of the womens division."

But Naomi has news. Creative has said they'll let her try out the entrance. Naomi is pumped because this apparently has been TWO years in the making but now there is a next step: Rehearsal!

But Glow Girl can't be too happy: her glow gear is not in place yet.

Nattie talking head: "Not just anyone gets to have the lights turned off in the arena for them [camera shows Undertaker and Bray Wyatt] Those guys are our top main event stars*, and also its never been done before by a woman."

*let's take a moment to reflect on Bray Wyatt's booking recently.

Nattie cautions her "You gotta hustle on this Trinity because the thing is that, there's all these new girls coming in. And like not to be rude, but you're not main event. Now I'm not saying that you're not a top guy, but the competition is fierce. When Vince sees this and when you actually show him the presentation, it has to be good. Otherwise it's not gonna get off the ground."

Naomi has a week to get all this together and the clock is tickin'. She and Jon do a test-run at their house for the gear. Naomi is ready to make her entrance and triumphantly yells for Jon to "cue my music" to which he replies "I'm trying to!" This is hard. He apparently has to charge her outfit up lolol. Uso helpfully tells her "It ain't bad" and she's like "But I can't show this." Naomi notes that she's been begging for a meeting and now that she has one, she can't be all "Give me another week I'm not ready". She really needs to get this gear in gear and figured out.


Maryse and Eva are preparing for the bikini shoot. Maryse is doing a 5 day juice cleanse and has suggested they try a body wrap treatment.

They lie down on tables where they receive a Hoya treatment which is described by the beautician as "you feel like you're almost going to Arizona with a cactus needle all over your body." Genius marketing. I think.

This is apparently very painful for Eva who is howling and grunting while Maryse cracks up. The beautician reminds her "We're not giving birth here!"

The day of the shoot arrives like a sunset on a beach patrolled by Baywatch lifeguards (roll with it). Eva rolls up to Maryse's house where Maryse has the prop situation under control but Eva calls it "extreme". This shoot is costing them $3,500! They roll up to the shoot and Maryse is hangry from her 5 day master cleanse and you can tell. Girl doesn't like the location anymore then sasses the photographer.

They begin to run up the beach doing their Baywatch thang. The shoot director tells Maryse to have more energy as she runs and Maryse is like "I'm just really hungry. I'm tired. I have no energy. Like, zero." Eva challenges her then to call that the shoot is over because Maryse is making everyone miserable. Maryse is surprised by her reaction. Eva suggests they go eat and get rejuvenated then resume the shoot.

They order huge burgers (girls after mah own heart). Maryse goes so hard on that burger she gets ketchup in her hair. They return to the shoot and Maryse is noticeably happier and apologizes to the crew for her earlier behavior.

Eva (talking head): When you're really good friends with somebody, it's your obligation to slap a bitch and be like ‘Chill, relax.'

Let's all be Eva's friend.

Lady And Her Lunatic

Dean is putting on his suit and tie a la Justin Timberlake for their big nice night out. He questions if he really has to button the top button then talks himself through tying the tie. He thinks he's already hit perfection but Renee makes him put on his suit jacket.

Dean (staring at himself in the mirror): Oh God it's so bad. I look like an idiot. I look like a game show host. ‘Come on down!'

Renee starts to brush his hair which Dean doesn't like either.

Dean: What in God's name are you doing? Whoa! Hey! We don't do combs.

Renee: Let me brush your hair!

Then she starts spraying.

Dean: It's a wild mustang. Stop spraying the mustang!

Renee: Dammit!

They go to this nice restaurant and get seated by a hostess.

Dean: Merci!

Renee: This restaurant is Italian.

Dean, in an accent, orders a smooth, maple-cured Tennesse whiskey and is crushed when the wiater tells him they only have beer and wine. He tries to recover and pipes up with "Keg stands!" He then asks if they have Mad Dog. They decide to try some wine. Renee advises him to swirl the wine in the glass around so he can see the legs that it has, breezily noting "I heard to do that from somewhere!"

Dean: If I see legs coming out of this....

There is a nice couple a few tables down and Dean and Renee greet them. Hello from Renee and it's a howdy from Dean. Their greetings go unanswered which they laugh about.

Dean Ambrose tries escargot -€ it's good! It's oily! He declares.

Renee asks him if he's uncomfortable in the restaurant and he tells her he is cool as a cucumber. Renee presses it and he tells her that he just wants her to be happy. In her talking head, she says she can tell that he's very uncomfortable and he doesn't want to do story tale ideal romance that many women have in their heads.

For their last night in Tahoe, they go to a dive bar with Blue in tow.

Dean: We could do clam strips.

Renee: What's a clam strip?

Dean: I dunno.

They recap the restaurant experience and Renee tells him she just wanted a romantic thing. Dean is like "You thought a fancy place would be romantic? That's not romance!" Renee argues that she wanted like a Lady and the Tramp candlelit dinner.

Dean jumps in "Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the alley. In the alley!

Renee: That is the best thing you ever said.

Dean: Lady and the Tramp took place in the alley and it was the most romantic scene in movie history.

Oh swoon swoon swoon.

Renee proclaims in her talking head that turns out her man got some romance in him. Then they discuss who is the lady and who is the tramp. Renee automatically labels herself the tramp, but then expands saying a tramp is like a hobo, so Dean says "Well, I'm definitely the tramp then."

Then they mimic the spaghetti part from Lady and the Tramp.

Girl Can Glow

The day has dawned. It is Naomi's "audition" for her glow entrance at WWE Live event in Tampa! She is ready to show what she got and she hopes they see the potential and her vision. She has a "glow" hat and a glow backpack which has since been dropped from the act. Carrano drops by to wish her good luck with the opportunity and references ‘Funkadactyls, all the tag teams, all the baloney you've been dealing with all these years.'

Naomi (talking head): I definitely feel that I've been overlooked as far as being a superstar on my own. Since I started my career, I've always been in a group. I need the opportunity to stand alone and show people and myself that I am great alone and by myself.

She does it! She kills it!

Then immediately a voice comes over a speaker or something saying she needs to run it again.

Naomi (talking head): I'm like okay it's one of two things. The first time was horrible and they're like ‘We'll give her one more try to get it together' or they're like ‘ok this is cool.' I can't see or read anyone's reaction.

She does it! She kills it!

Then that voice "ok we're going to need Trinity to do that one more time. Cue up the sequence."

Naomi (talking head): Okay! They got me doing it a third time! If it was garbage, if they didn't like it, they wouldn't give me a third try, so now I'm feeling pretty good about it.

She did it! She killed it! Good2glow.

At this same event in Tampa where Bryan is apparently working, so Brie is visiting Nikki. Why would GM Bryan be at a house show? Is this a thing? As far as I know, GM DB works one day a week (and flies there and back). What a gig.

Nikki lights into Brie a bit more about not holding up her end of the bargain since her retirement because she's not pregnant yet. I think her delivery is just bad and I like to think she does know that you don't just get pregnant when you decide you would like to, but she toes the line and communicates this poorly. Brie admits she's just having a hard time with retirement and Bryan wants her to travel with him. Speaking of bad communicators, I feel like she also didn't communicate to Nikki well either. I thought the whole issue was she just wanted to hang out with Bryan and be on the road to help baby-making when it was Fertile Time, but here she basically says she did it because she wants to be a good wife. If she told Nikki the former, that might have steered the convo in a better direction but..sisters. Whatever. Nikki sums it up by saying she feels bad for her and doesn't know how she works with Brie sometimes. Brie tells Bryan she's not going to come up on road with him anymore, yadda yadda, wrapped up with a pretty bow.

Aaaaaaaaand that's it! The birth of glow.

Is Renee Young my BFF yet: Not today.

Who was Mark Carrano's best interaction with: We see him backstage with Enzo and I assume it HAS to be that. It has to.

Best Cameo: The pig thing that looks like Blue Ambrose.

Grade: Dean/Renee -€ A. Everything else -€ B.

See ya next week.

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