hey look a preshow
suddenly purple ropes
THE BRIAN: hey Noam
NOAM: what
THE BRIAN: tag
AKIRA: LOUD NOISES
THE BRIAN: ambush?
SWANN & AKIRA: nah, now let's do a dive
FOXY: nah
NOAM & THE BRIAN: let's beat up SWANN for a bit
they're NOAM & THE BRIAN, yes NOAM & THE BRIAN, one is a genius, the other's insane
AKIRA & SWANN: now can we dive
NOAM & THE BRIAN: k
general flippiness and finishers ensue
SWANN: pin
NOAM: k
also a panel happened, no one cared
stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever
PYRO: HEY UNIVERSE IT'S A PAY PER VIEW
SAMI and JOE have a fight
JOE: come at me
SAMI: k
JOE: have some punches and kicks
SAMI: k but SURELY my flippiness will work
JOE: yeah I can do that too, also submissions, now get pinned
SAMI: nah, blue thunder bomb
JOE: nah
SAMI: I totally still have a chance to win
JOE: coquina clutch
SAMI: k
SAMI takes a nap
CHARLY: hey Bayley, you're defending your title, how bout that
BAYLEY: Charlotte's probably gonna bring Dana to the ring but she shouldn't
NIA: I'm gonna kill Sasha tho
BAYLEY: k
E&C: HOW YOU DOIN, SAWWWWWWFT, etc.
CLUB enters, they have a fight
CASS: hey Club, have an Enzo
CASS throws ENZO somewhat near the CLUB
ENZO: time to play the face in peril for the entire match
ENZO does that
ENZO: tag
CASS kills CLUB and throws ENZO slightly near ANDERSON again
ENZO: pin
ANDERSON: obviously nah, you have a pin
ENZO: hey look some ropes for my foot
GALLOWS: nah
CLUB wins
MICK: hey Steph where are you
STEPH: plane mechanics suck, you're running the show Mick, now just don't mess anything up
MICK forgets how to use a speakerphone
NIA isn't like most girls, SASHA is a boss, they have a fight
SASHA: here, have pretty much all my moves
NIA: nah to all of them
GRAVES: Sasha has a business degree
NIA: have a ton of really slow submissions
SASHA: guillotine choke worked for Bayley in NXT so maybe
NIA: this isn't NXT so nah
SASHA: bank statement then
NIA: still nah
SASHA: o'connor roll and bridge
NIA: k
SASHA: wait really
SASHA wins somehow
COLE, SAXTON, GRAVES: RAW Talk is happening after Fastlane
UNIVERSE: is it like Talking Smack
COLE, SAXTON, GRAVES: it has Jerry Lawler
UNIVERSE: then nah
here's HARD BODY and RUSEV
VINCE: nah the Hard Body thing didn't get over
BEAR: k
here's JINDER and RUSEV
JINDER: I am mad at you
RUSEV: I am also mad at you
JINDER: wanna fight
RUSEV: k
suddenly CESARO and SHEAMUS
CESARO: hey Jinder wanna fight
JINDER: k
they have a fight
CESARO: suplex, uppercuts, 619, etc.
JINDER: hey Rusev I'm still mad at you
CESARO: pin
JINDER: oh
CESARO wins
RUSEV: hey Jinder I'm still mad at you
suddenly SHOW
SHOW: I am very big
SHOW beats up RUSEV
SHOW: pin
RUSEV: nah
RUSEV hurts SHOW's knee
RUSEV: three machka kicks so imma pin you now
SHOW: nah
RUSEV: but three machka kicks
SHOW wins
CHARLY: hey KO tonight is your biggest match ever, how bout that
KO: Goldberg can't wrestle and is old
AUSTIN: look at my package, it's massive
AUSTIN's video package happens
AUSTIN: like I said, massive package
UNIVERSE: WE GET THE JOKE
suddenly purple ropes
GALLAGHER: shake my hand
NEVILLE: nah, fight me
GALLAGHER: hey look at all the wacky things I can do
NEVILLE: your wackiness makes me angry
NEVILLE beats up GALLAGHER
GALLAGHER: time to jump through the ropes
COLE: GALLAGHER DOESN'T JUMP THROUGH ROPES MUCH
NEVILLE beats up GALLAGHER some more
GALLAGHER: headbutts and pin
NEVILLE: nah
GALLAGHER: how about a really big headbutt instead
NEVILLE: that'd do it
GALLAGHER: k, now have a supl-
NEVILLE: jk lol have a red arrow
GALLAGHER: dammit
NEVILLE wins
CHARLY: well hi Paul Heyman, is Bork coming to Fastlane
HEYMAN: Bork's gonna beat Goldberg at Wrestlemania
CHARLY: k
suddenly NEW DAY
NEW DAY: we have an ice cream cart now, it's gonna be at Mania, also Big E's high
E: very high
dum dum, dum dum, dum dum, DUMB DUMB
GRAVES: Roman lives for the big fight
VINCE: that's because I put him in all of them
ROMAN and BRAUN have a fight
ROMAN: time to look strong
ROMAN looks strong
BRAUN: but see I am very big, have a large amount of beef
ROMAN: nah I'm just gonna dodge you until I can overcome things
BRAUN: have a table spot
ROMAN: totally fine after that
BRAUN: what about even more beef
ROMAN: nah, time to overcome things
ROMAN overcomes things
MICK: hey Joe, don't get involved in KO's match
JOE says nothing
CHARLOTTE comes out without DANA because why not
BAYLEY comes out, BEAR resists making a "basic huganomics" joke
BAYLEY: Imma win and go to Mania
CHARLOTTE: but I don't lose on PPV so
BAYLEY: but what if I use all of my offense at once
CHARLOTTE: did I stutter
CHARLOTTE beats up BAYLEY
BAYLEY: hey I've got a big second wind maybe I can win
CHARLOTTE: but I don't lose on PPV so natural selection
BAYLEY: nah
CHARLOTTE: perhaps you didn't understand, time for a moonsault
suddenly SASHA who beats up CHARLOTTE
CHARLOTTE: wait how is that not a DQ
BAYLEY: pin
CHARLOTTE: but I don't lose on PPV
CHARLOTTE loses on PPV, pigs fly
GOOOLDBEEEEERG, GOOOLDBEEEEERG, etc.
REF: hey KO ready to fight
KO: nah
KO walks in circles for a bit
KO: k I'm ready to fight jk nah
KO walks in circles some more
KO: k now I'm really ready to fight JK STILL NAH
KO walks in circles even more
KO: k now I'm REALLY ready, ring the bell
suddenly JERICHO, KO is distracted, bell rings, GOLDBERG kills KO
UNIVERSE: oh thank god it's over