hey look a preshow

suddenly purple ropes

THE BRIAN: hey Noam

NOAM: what

THE BRIAN: tag

AKIRA: LOUD NOISES

THE BRIAN: ambush?

SWANN & AKIRA: nah, now let's do a dive

FOXY: nah

NOAM & THE BRIAN: let's beat up SWANN for a bit

they're NOAM & THE BRIAN, yes NOAM & THE BRIAN, one is a genius, the other's insane

AKIRA & SWANN: now can we dive

NOAM & THE BRIAN: k

general flippiness and finishers ensue

SWANN: pin

NOAM: k

also a panel happened, no one cared

stadiums, fireworks, then/now/whatever

PYRO: HEY UNIVERSE IT'S A PAY PER VIEW

SAMI and JOE have a fight

JOE: come at me

SAMI: k

JOE: have some punches and kicks

SAMI: k but SURELY my flippiness will work

JOE: yeah I can do that too, also submissions, now get pinned

SAMI: nah, blue thunder bomb

JOE: nah

SAMI: I totally still have a chance to win

JOE: coquina clutch

SAMI: k

SAMI takes a nap

CHARLY: hey Bayley, you're defending your title, how bout that

BAYLEY: Charlotte's probably gonna bring Dana to the ring but she shouldn't

NIA: I'm gonna kill Sasha tho

BAYLEY: k

E&C: HOW YOU DOIN, SAWWWWWWFT, etc.

CLUB enters, they have a fight

CASS: hey Club, have an Enzo

CASS throws ENZO somewhat near the CLUB

ENZO: time to play the face in peril for the entire match

ENZO does that

ENZO: tag

CASS kills CLUB and throws ENZO slightly near ANDERSON again

ENZO: pin

ANDERSON: obviously nah, you have a pin

ENZO: hey look some ropes for my foot

GALLOWS: nah

CLUB wins

MICK: hey Steph where are you

STEPH: plane mechanics suck, you're running the show Mick, now just don't mess anything up

MICK forgets how to use a speakerphone

NIA isn't like most girls, SASHA is a boss, they have a fight

SASHA: here, have pretty much all my moves

NIA: nah to all of them

GRAVES: Sasha has a business degree

NIA: have a ton of really slow submissions

SASHA: guillotine choke worked for Bayley in NXT so maybe

NIA: this isn't NXT so nah

SASHA: bank statement then

NIA: still nah

SASHA: o'connor roll and bridge

NIA: k

SASHA: wait really

SASHA wins somehow

COLE, SAXTON, GRAVES: RAW Talk is happening after Fastlane

UNIVERSE: is it like Talking Smack

COLE, SAXTON, GRAVES: it has Jerry Lawler

UNIVERSE: then nah

here's HARD BODY and RUSEV

VINCE: nah the Hard Body thing didn't get over

BEAR: k

here's JINDER and RUSEV

JINDER: I am mad at you

RUSEV: I am also mad at you

JINDER: wanna fight

RUSEV: k

suddenly CESARO and SHEAMUS

CESARO: hey Jinder wanna fight

JINDER: k

they have a fight

CESARO: suplex, uppercuts, 619, etc.

JINDER: hey Rusev I'm still mad at you

CESARO: pin

JINDER: oh

CESARO wins

RUSEV: hey Jinder I'm still mad at you

suddenly SHOW

SHOW: I am very big

SHOW beats up RUSEV

SHOW: pin

RUSEV: nah

RUSEV hurts SHOW's knee

RUSEV: three machka kicks so imma pin you now

SHOW: nah

RUSEV: but three machka kicks

SHOW wins

CHARLY: hey KO tonight is your biggest match ever, how bout that

KO: Goldberg can't wrestle and is old

AUSTIN: look at my package, it's massive

AUSTIN's video package happens

AUSTIN: like I said, massive package

UNIVERSE: WE GET THE JOKE

suddenly purple ropes

GALLAGHER: shake my hand

NEVILLE: nah, fight me

GALLAGHER: hey look at all the wacky things I can do

NEVILLE: your wackiness makes me angry

NEVILLE beats up GALLAGHER

GALLAGHER: time to jump through the ropes

COLE: GALLAGHER DOESN'T JUMP THROUGH ROPES MUCH

NEVILLE beats up GALLAGHER some more

GALLAGHER: headbutts and pin

NEVILLE: nah

GALLAGHER: how about a really big headbutt instead

NEVILLE: that'd do it

GALLAGHER: k, now have a supl-

NEVILLE: jk lol have a red arrow

GALLAGHER: dammit

NEVILLE wins

CHARLY: well hi Paul Heyman, is Bork coming to Fastlane

HEYMAN: Bork's gonna beat Goldberg at Wrestlemania

CHARLY: k

suddenly NEW DAY

NEW DAY: we have an ice cream cart now, it's gonna be at Mania, also Big E's high

E: very high

dum dum, dum dum, dum dum, DUMB DUMB

GRAVES: Roman lives for the big fight

VINCE: that's because I put him in all of them

ROMAN and BRAUN have a fight

ROMAN: time to look strong

ROMAN looks strong

BRAUN: but see I am very big, have a large amount of beef

ROMAN: nah I'm just gonna dodge you until I can overcome things

BRAUN: have a table spot

ROMAN: totally fine after that

BRAUN: what about even more beef

ROMAN: nah, time to overcome things

ROMAN overcomes things

MICK: hey Joe, don't get involved in KO's match

JOE says nothing

CHARLOTTE comes out without DANA because why not

BAYLEY comes out, BEAR resists making a "basic huganomics" joke

BAYLEY: Imma win and go to Mania

CHARLOTTE: but I don't lose on PPV so

BAYLEY: but what if I use all of my offense at once

CHARLOTTE: did I stutter

CHARLOTTE beats up BAYLEY

BAYLEY: hey I've got a big second wind maybe I can win

CHARLOTTE: but I don't lose on PPV so natural selection

BAYLEY: nah

CHARLOTTE: perhaps you didn't understand, time for a moonsault

suddenly SASHA who beats up CHARLOTTE

CHARLOTTE: wait how is that not a DQ

BAYLEY: pin

CHARLOTTE: but I don't lose on PPV

CHARLOTTE loses on PPV, pigs fly

GOOOLDBEEEEERG, GOOOLDBEEEEERG, etc.

REF: hey KO ready to fight

KO: nah

KO walks in circles for a bit

KO: k I'm ready to fight jk nah

KO walks in circles some more

KO: k now I'm really ready to fight JK STILL NAH

KO walks in circles even more

KO: k now I'm REALLY ready, ring the bell

suddenly JERICHO, KO is distracted, bell rings, GOLDBERG kills KO

UNIVERSE: oh thank god it's over