Total Divas Recap: Say No to Fear and Yes to Rusev

Ooh la la. This episode had a little bit of everything, friends.

Vegas! Mystery! Relationship drama! Ex boyfriends! Abs! Creepy strangers! Girl fight! Alcohol! Magic!

Let us just dive into this bizarre af episode.

The marriage of Bulgarian Brute & his Beautiful Bride is rapidly approaching. Lana, Renee, Naomi and Rusev are headed to Vegas, but it's secretly a bachelorette. It must remain secret because Rusev is "opposed to bachelorette parties." Rusev had a friend who made out with a bride-to-be on her bachelorette and thus, Rusev is soured on them and finds them unnecessary. Lana is all ‘I would never' and comments that "Rusev is the best. I actually can deal with him 24/7, which is amazing because in the past I never really had long relationships. I have been screwed over by men and I was also a little bit of a party girl!"

Lana booked the hardwood suite at the Palms which is 10,000 square feet and has a basketball court. It is on this basketball court where Lana finds her groom: barefoot, in a bathrobe, hair loose, going for lay-ups. Lana's brother and Rusev's homeboy are also in attendance to keep him occupied. The group head out for dinner, where Rusev is approached by two fans, one of whom is in a wheelchair. It's a married couple, with the wifey wheeling her husband over in the wheelchair. The husband tells Rusev he is a big fan. Upon learning the pair are married, Renee quizzes them if they had bachelor/bachelorette parties before they married, and the couple enthusiastically say they did. Renee invites the twosome to come hang out with the group tomorrow.

Naomi (talking head): "It's a little strange that Renee invites complete strangers to come hang out with us, without really taking it up with Lana and Rusev. I'm just going with the flow."

Feel the glow and go with the flow. Good life mantra, just sayin'.

After the fans depart, Renee continues to grill Rusev about why he doesn't like bachelorette parties because she really wants to take Lana to Thunder Down Under, the Australian all-male dance show.

Rusev suggests they spend their time at the zoo instead, to which Naomi is all "But we're in VEGAS." Naomi accurately states that Rusev just doesn't trust Renee and Naomi.


The next morning, Naomi and Renee are plotting to entice Lana to the lobby for cocktails then whisk her away for their day of debauchery.

Naomi: "Renee wants us to go to Thunder Down Under, which is an Australian male striptease. I don't know, that's just what I've heard. I haven't seen it. But I'd like to see it...." Sly grin

Rusev walks into the room and Renee tells him they'll meet up with them later. She encourages him to go get relaxed, to which he stoically replies "I am relaxed."

Once they are in the lobby, Renee explains that they are going to gently kidnap Lana and have a good time. Then..outta no where.

‘Holy...! Look at you! What are you doing here?"

It's the guy from the Old Spice commercials! Naomi recognizes him instantly, saying "I'm a huge fan! My favorite commercials ever!"

Apparently Lana and Isaiah used to be in acting classes together and were really good friends and at one point "kind of dated." Lana says in her talking head she has not seen Isaiah since they broke up four years ago and is incredibly surprised/giggly to see him. Renee invites him to their pool party tomorrow and the freaking OLD SPICE GUY is all "I dunno if my abs are pool party ready."

Okay, OLD SPICE GUY. I don't believe you.

Naomi (talking head): "I'm not liking this situation....because this could be a major distraction and setback. Lana's about to get married and she needs to focus on that."

The group bids farewell to Isaiah/Old Spice Guy who tells them to have fun and be safe. Swoon!

They go outside where a mini pink party bus is awaiting them. Swoon!

Lana gets up on the party bus pole. In the midst of her sesh, a man enters the bus and exclaims "Hey party people! How are WE doing tonight?"

He is Zach.

Zach: "I'm going to be honest with you. This is my first time doing this. I'm usually up in accounting. So what we're going to do is we're going to have a lot of fun here—"

Renee: "You're normally in accounting?"

Lana: "What is going on?"

He goes on some ramble about how he knows a bit about TV and wrestled in high school. It dawns on Naomi that Zach is the party bus host, and Lana is relieved he wasn't some rando crashing their bus.

Naomi tries to take a selfie and Zach sourly notes "I don't think you're getting me in there" and Naomi sassily replies "That's the point." They ask Zach to take a photo but homeboy is still under the impression that he is supposed to be in the picture.

Naomi (talking head): "There's this random guy on here, he's a little off, and he's freaking me the hell out."

Renee (talking head): "This is the kind of stuff that just happens in Vegas! I love it!"

They arrive at Thunder Down Under and Renee wonders how the accountant from the Palms got on their bus.

They make their way inside for the show and ooh la la, our blushing bride gets pulled on stage! Yas girl yas.

We will leave her there because we are generous.

It's ESPYs week! The host is John Cena! Nikki and Brie are getting their nails done!

Nikki is nervous, proud and excited for John. Back in their hotel, she claims she is focused on the ESPYs, John hosting, the red carpet, and all the media, so she doesn't have time for any business. Uh, alright.

The whole Bella clan will be strutting their stuff on the red carpet to support John and Nikki is wary of how they will hold up with the media.

Up In The Club Stackin' the Dubs, You Stuck in The Lobby

Back in Vegas, Lana reunites with her fiancé. He is none-too-pleased to find out they went to Thunder Down Under, questioning if the guy was naked in front of her.

Lana: Well the guy wasn't naked in front of me!

Renee: She did go on stage.

Lana: I was forced! I didn't let anyone do anything!

Rusev reminds Renee he called her a bad influence two days ago and she proved him right. Renee says she's just helping Lana go into marriage having celebrated American traditions. Rusev is salty but admits "I can't stop you from doing whatever you want to do."

They go to a night club and Lana admits Rusev is not happy about her attending the show, but girl just wants to have fun.

Lana shakes her damn thang and then! The girl from dinner the night before, who Renee randomly invited, shows up with her friend. No husband though...!

Naomi: "I can already tell, she is tore up drunk."

Dinner Girl sits down with Lana, Renee and Rusev.

Dinner Girl to Rusev(about her husband): He is such a fan of you. He was making this joke, ya know, like that he wanted us to, like, hook up and take pictures for him.

Lana does the generic "I can't hear you" smile/nod, but Renee heard exactly what this girl was putting down. Then a song comes on and Lana clambers up to dance.

Rusev is laughing at what Dinner Girl proposed and Renee is aghast. Dinner Girl and her friend join Lana in dancing and really go for it.

Renee: "These girls invade the entire situation. They're all over each other. I had no idea it was going to go down like this. It's embarrassing."

Then Friend commits the classic crime: she spilled her drink on her friend's dress. Dinner Girl grabs friend by the hair and they start brawling. Naomi starts screaming and tries to break it up.

Naomi (talking head): "I don't understand why I'm the only person trying to break this fight up."

Lana (talking head): "I turn around and there's this crazy fight, and Trinity literally headlocks both of them, saving the day. Superwoman! The boys are laughing; they think it's the best thing ever. Girl fight!"

Never invite strangers anywhere again, Renee!

Renee discusses the melee with Lana and is like LOL SHE SAID SHE WANTED TO HOOK UP WITH RURU. Lana is pissed and confronts Rusev why he didn't tell her what Dinner Girl said. Rusev is like LOL it's ridiculous though, why would I tell you? Lana seems to think it is a bigger issue about their communication.

Back in Bella-ville, the fam clan is out to lunch and the paparazzi are there. Nikki hosts a hall of shame of some of her worst paparazzi photos and warns the family to be careful of their angles. Then she pays for media training for her family. They all get dressed up (minus my arch nemesis Brother Bella) to pretend they are on the red carpet.

Nikki admits she's fearful of what my arch nemesis Brother Bella will do because he's very defensive and she doesn't want "Hate in the Bella family" or my arch nemesis Brother Bella "is going to #BeatUpJohnCena" rumors. No fear oh Fearless One, John's co-worker AJ Styles takes care of that last part!

It is the day after in Vegas, Lana admits she drank too much the night before, but Vegas bachelorette parties wait for no one and they are getting ready for their pool partay. Lana just casually asks Naomi if she ever had second thoughts before getting married. Renee jumps on that and asks why Lana is even asking that.

Lana: "I don't know, I don't know. Relationships make me really nervous, like ‘oh my gosh this is forever, what if I fail to love you through thick and thin?'

Naomi: You can't think about those things because you don't know what's going to happen and you'll drive yourself crazy wondering what if.

They make their way to the pool and sharing their pool is a woman who is..pretending to be a cat. Baby girl is rocking cat ears, referencing her claws, and just generally being cat-like. Lana laughs "Where is Nattie? Be best friends with her!"

Naomi: This girl is acting like a cat, and being cat-like, licking her hand and stuff. I've never run into so many strange people in my life!

Isaiah, OLD SPICE GUY, arrives at the pool party to come say hi. He tells Lana how happy she and Rusev look and that they look like they're having the best time together. Lana admits they are happy but candidly confesses she gets scared and wants to run.

Old Spice Guy: When you get scared and you think about running, run to him. That'll help you out.

He drops that beautiful line then leaves. Lana gets emotional to Naomi and Renee about how relationships scare her. Renee reminds her how good Rusev is and that they have a great relationship. Naomi diagnoses her as having cold feet reminding her to keep moving forward.

A day later, Lana decides to talk to Rusev about her fears and that relationships/marriage scare her.

Rusev: "You've been in one for 3 years, now it scares you?"

Lana: Maybe it's always scared me. I don't want to get divorced, I don't want my marriage to fail. I'm really scared. What if I'm not with you and you cheat? Or what about if I get insecure and I cheat? Or just anything, like if we grow apart, because people grow apart all the time.... I don't know if my heart can handle it.

Rusev: If the marriage thing scares you so much we can just live together forever!

Lana: Will you love me when I'm not pretty?

Rusev: You're always pretty. You're my best friend, it's not just your looks.

Lana: What if I'm always your best friend but then you're attracted to other people and don't want to be with me?

Rusev: You are way overthinking this. Everybody's scared.

Lana: I don't want to be scared

Rusev: Don't be. Just go head in!

Lana realizes he is right and decides to face her fears head on.

Rusev drops "it's just freaking marriage!!"

These two<3333333


It's All About the Game

They head down to dinner, which Renee has organized. She announces that because they are on her turf, she wanted to make it special, so she has arranged for a magic show at dinner. Steven, the host for the evening's entertainment, enters. He welcomes "wrestling fanatics" and a man and a woman, who are both masked and have their faces blurred because I guess masks weren't enough, enter the room. These two start wrestling, and the host compares love and wrestling.

Then! The woman wrestler beats the male wrestler. She takes her mask off and OMG IT'S LA LUCHADORA......j/k. Nope. It's DINNER GIRL FROM THE CLUB.

Rusev: Hey we've seen this lady before!

Lana (talking head): Whoa this is the girl who tried to kiss my fiancé at the club!

Then the male wrestler takes his mask off and OMG IT'S DINNER GIRL'S HUSBAND....who was the Rusev fan in the wheelchair from dinner.

Rusev: Hey we've seen this guy before, too! Where's your freaking wheelchair? What is going on?


Then from the other door enters....Zach, the party bus host!

Naomi whispers "Oh my God."

But wait! There's more!

Cat Lady from the pool party strolls in!


At this point, I was scowling at my television, dismayed that my beloved Total Divas turned heel on me. Why are you making feel stupid, Total Divas? All I did was love you! It's like trigonometry from high school all over again.


Let's mull this one over and go back to the Bellas one last time.

Nikki got hair extensions for the ESPYS and hates them. She is bemoaning that she is sick of looking ugly in photos and proclaims she looks like "a freaking monster." Brie is like ‘LOL you're freaking out over nothing.' My arch nemesis Brother Bella is over it and tosses Nikki's phone in the hot tub. She freaks out.

They go to the ESPYs. Nikki does not, nor has she ever, looked like a freaking monster. The Bella family does really well on the red carpet and Nikki is relieved, admitting she just didn't want them to embarrass her or John on his big night.

Nikki proclaims John is the best host in history.

And How You Play It

"Time for it all to come together on these suckers!" Renee cackles in her talking head. "Joke on everybody!"

S-W-E-R-V-E. Call Renee the mastermind.

Rusev: Did you organize this? This is sick. You're sick!

Renee: Well it's what ya get. You come in to MY town, you think you can just run the place. Well guess what? Y'all don't run the place!

Naomi:'s on, bitch!

Renee explains in the talking head that she loves pranks and had this up her sleeve the entire time.

Wheelchair fan and his wife, then Girl fight at club next night, the bus host/accounting escapee, Crazy Cat Lady..."every single one of these weirdos was put on by moi!" Renee broadcasts. It was all a plan. Everybody's just a puppeteer and Renee Young is pulling the strings, y'all.

The host thanks them for playing "Las Vegas: The Game."

Rusev keeps repeating "you're a sick person" at her while Renee gloats that this is what happens when they come to her town.

Next week! The draft! The wedding! Dean meets the parents! Nikki's neck issues!

Tell me..

Did you think Renee's game was funny?

Were you super impressed that TM-61 are also Thunder Down Under stars?**

Are you sad that next week is the mid-season finale?

Did Dean Ambrose Appear: No, no, no. But he has a big week next week!

Did I Follow 2Pawz on Instagram Yet: Naw.

Is Renee Young My BFF yet: No and I'm still a little shaken by her shady antics.

**this is a lie.

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