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Total Divas Recap: Lana Has A Vision, Bryan Has A Job and Dean Has A Big Surprise

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This show opens with shots of the city I live in for some reason. Wha? Stop teasing me, show.

Lana has a binder. Renee and Paige quickly ditch upon spotting this Binder Full of Wedding, leaving Nattie.

The Ravishing Russian's wedding planner has compiled a lookbook, but it's just not jiving with Lana's Pinterest vision. This vision of Lana's includes beaches, carnivals, Americano feel and circuses, and to be special and different because anything cliché makes her cringe..obviously now you understand this vision, too.

Nattie shows Lana a picture of her wedding reception and Lana loves it. An idea forms in her head that Nattie understands her, thus maybe Nattie can help her plan the wedding and bring the visions Lana has dancing around her head to life.

Lana shows Nattie a picture of an elephant cake, and Nattie admires that the elephant is clambering up the cake.

"The elephant's trunk represents his manhood," she philosophizes.

Paige's neck/shoulder is recently injured and she has been taken off TV. She states she's very young, her body heals quickly and she could be back and in the ring in no time. She is trying to stay positive so she is carrying a pup around.

Xavier Woods: "Let me guess. You haven't trained him yet and you brought him on the road..."

True.

They show a weirdly long clip of Johnny Laryingitis announcing he was throwing his "name in the hat" for a GM job in the looming brand extension.

Nattie is waiting to get her make-up and Summer Rae flounces in with a rush of power.

Nattie: Lana wants me to plan her wedding..

Summer: You love her.

Nattie begins reciting a text from Lana.

"Your wedding pictures are so amazing, the flowers are so gorgeous, my dream is to have a canopy of flowers and roses, but I cannot decide what flowers, I just don't want roses—"

Summer Rae: Is that a run-on sentence? Did she go to school?

(Nattie keeps reading this List of Lana)

Summer: "You need to block her number like you blocked my number."

Nattie says it feels like she and Lana are in an arranged marriage, but wonders how Rusev deals. Summer says Rusev is chill (kayfabe she would know. Har har har) and they balance each other out. Nattie throws out there that Lana must be great in bed. K.

Nattie finds R. Truth wandering around.

Nattie: Truth hey can I ask you something? Do I look like a wedding planner? Lana wants me to help her put together her wedding.

Truth: She should really hire someone to do that shit!

Nattie feels overwhelmed, but you know what, Truth has an idea. He offers that Nattie actively propose bad ideas and Lana will leave her alone. Nattie declares Truth a genius. He is, what's up?

Lana, Nattie and Renee are chilling in catering with Sami Zayn and naturally the subject of Instagram arises.

Nattie: Zayn, do you have Instagram?

(you know she gonna ask if he follows 2Pawz)

Sami Zayn: No that's a whole discussion actually. It's very vain, it's very vain, I don't like it. I'm a boy, I'm a boy, I'm a stupid boy. I don't like it.

Might be one of my sentences uttered on this show ever.

Renee tells the girls that they are going on a trip with Brie and Bryan to Orcas Island but Dean has bailed on her. "He wants to spend his time at home," Renee explains. She says it's disappointing but she's used to him being a homebody, even though she's starting to vocalize to him more about taking a vacation together to Big Sur or Hawaii. Nattie rationalizes that after being on the road, you just want your bed and to hang with your dog (don't we all?) Renee jokes about being third wheel on the trip because Brie and Bryan are trying to get pregnant, and wonders if she should go at all.

Lana: I feel like you need to go and experience those things, and like, breathe literally in the fresh air, and be inspired by the beautiful things that nature out there has to offer.

Renee: I'm gonna ride a whale.

Brie and Bryan are stepping out for lunch in Phoenix, when Bryan gets approached by Michael, an excited fan on forearm crutches, in a very touching scene. Michael was in attendance at WM28 and wanted Bryan to put Michael Cole in the Yes Lock.

Michael the Fan: "You know what, there were so many matches that...I mean, I know that you had to go, man. But I just, I just want to say, you know, I want to give you a hug."

Brie and Bryan haven't even stepped foot in this restaurant yet and I'm already being attacked by the onions they're cutting. Man.

Inside the restaurant, Brie tells Bryan she has a Birdie Bee meeting in NYC coming up.

Bryan: How does that fit in with your ovulation?

Brie: You ovulate for like four days, we'll be fine.

Bryan: You're the one who's been saying we need to get this going, you gotta be tracking your cervical mucus, your body temperature, keeping a little chart.

Brie: They shouldn't call it mucus; that makes it sound so nasty.

Bryan: That's what it called.

Brie: They should have picked a cuter name!

You're welcome for this.

Brie (talking head): The minute you're ovulating ...it's like ‘get a bunch in, so you can nail that egg.'

You are SO welcome.

Paige finds Mark Carrano, VP of Talent Relations, backstage.

Paige: Kara said I could do physical therapy tomorrow.

Carrano: Kara?

Paige: Is that her name?

Carrano: Who's Kara?

Paige: The physical therapist?

Carrano: Physical therapist?

Yes, Kara is Paige's physical therapist in San Antonio and Carrano simply hadn't received the info of who she met yet.

In Paige's talking head, she says "Surgery right now is completely out of the question; physical therapy will do the job."

Carrano guesses she could be out anywhere from one week six weeks with physical therapy, admits to "possibly surgery."

Cackle, cackle. We know where this leads.

Brie, Bryan and Renee have arrived in GORGEOUS Orcas Island, WA.

They spy twin...deer? Idk. Bindi Irwin I am not.

Renee: "Dean would die if he were here and saw this (the animals). He would freak out."

Renee admits to feeling nervous about the upcoming draft. All Carrano has said was that they would try to keep in consideration those who are married, which Renee and Dean are not.

Bryan: I'm so happy we don't have to deal with that anymore.

Nattie and Lana are picking out dresses and color schemes. Nattie's goal is to pick out ugly dresses.

Nattie: "The theme is easy, breezy, carnival, Barnum & Bailey type feel."

The salon attendant says "Perfect!" making you believe this is a common occurrence in her life.

Nattie proposes brown dresses.

Lana hates brown.

Nattie shoves some more choices that Lana strikes down.

Nattie (talking head): "Lana hates everything I suggest, even suggestions I actually kinda liked. Maybe she'll just let me go..."

In her talking head, Lana realizes that Nattie is not understanding her vision.

Renee and Brie are on a hike and they stumble upon a tower. The two sword fight in a totally fun friendship #goals scene where they try to climb the tower and save a princess.

Renee gets the W with a fatal wound to the stomach.

Renee: I stole your princess and we're getting it on!!

They find another beautiful view. Seriously this place.

Renee: This is Earth being awesome

Brie: I feel like it brings people closer, when you're out here seeing nature...

Renee: I've been dying to have that feeling with my man!

Renee misses Dean. Her feelings are hurt that he didn't want to come on the trip.

Then the girls run into cocks. Chickens.

Brie: He's a big guy!

Renee: He's huge!

In an unsurprising turn of events, they find Bryan in a garden. He was paying close attention to the bees buzzing around pollinating.

Brie: You gotta learn something from these bees.

Renee: Yeah, spread your seed!

Bryan relays the news that while observing these bees, he received a call from WWE. They have "some sort of something" for him. Brie and Renee immediately have questions and Bryan possesses zero answers because they didn't tell him beyond it's a job offer that he has to keep secret.

Bryan says he doesn't want producing or an office job.

Bryan (excitedly): Well if they're asking me to wrestle again!!!!

Brie: Bryan...

Back in Tampa, Lana has roped in Maryse to accompany her and Nattie to cake testing.

Lana notes Maryse's amazing style and is hopeful that Maryse will understand her vision. Lana thanks Maryse for coming and Maryse is all "anytime I get a chance to eat cake..."

Girl after my own heart.

Lana: Maybe you can help. I feel like Nattie is just not understanding my style whatsoever. She keeps on wanting me to do brown.

Maryse: Nattie? Brown? She wants to do ...brown ....for your wedding?

Nattie arrives and the girls tour the bakery where they immediately crowd around the Nutella cake filling. Yooooooooo.

Nattie (talking head): I found out Lana hates vanilla, so therefore I'm suggesting vanilla. I need to get fired!

Nattie invents and cites a survey about how most wedding guests prefer vanilla. Much science, much research.

At a live event a few days later, Lana tracks down Nattie and Nattie just unleashes on her. She tells Lana she's too busy in her career for this, she was initially flattered to be asked to help Lana but she isn't a wedding planner, there are too many themes, and admits to her plan of attempting to get fired. Lana laughs and says Nattie should have just told her. Oh Nattie!

Back in beautiful Orcas Island (seriously so pretty), Brie and Renee are strolling the shops. They discuss Bryizzle's potential job opportunity. Brie says if it's a travel job, she just came off the road and doesn't want to go back on. Brie admits she's thrilled WWE called him because it means a lot to him, but they already have a hard time getting together during ovulation and she's been trying so hard to steer their lives away from wrestling and now they're right back in it. She wonders if her retirement meant anything.

Brie: You know the downward spiral Bryan had when he was forced to retire? He started coming out of that and starting to really accept being home and retired. Now he gets this phone call...

Later on, Renee and Deano are Facetiming. He is in his shades.

I will give you the play by play of the preciousness.

Renee: Are you topless?

Dean: Yes.

Renee: Good for you.

Renee: The fact that you didn't come is kind of killing me. Me and you need to get a little more traveling under our belt.

Dean scoffs "MORE traveling?"

Renee clarifies more ‘chill' traveling where they get to unwind.

Dean: Maybe settle your tea kettle just a little bit there!

Renee: Okay, Nattie.

Dean: Maybe I have a big surprise.

Renee: You have a big surprise?

Dean: SUR-prise. We're going to Big Sur!

Renee: Are you serious? I've been talking about going to Big Sur for so long. I cannot wait. I love being out here it's great, but for me and you to get to go on a little vacation, I'll take ya into the forest, show ya a thing or two.

Renee is thrilled her Lunatic Lovah took it upon himself to plan this trip she's been dreaming of.

HE'S A ROMANTIC, MAGGLE.

A few days later, Paige is on the phone with a Dr. Robinson and reports her shoulder injury is going up into her neck and giving her pain in her arm.

Paige tells Alicia Fawwkesss that it may be something in her neck that they just can't see yet.

Paige goes for a MRI.

Paige: I am freaking out. I've never been this scared in my life. I don't know whether my career is over or not.

After the MRI, Paige is discussing it with Nattie and Naomi. Nattie makes a plea to rest, saying that she's sensitive about neck injuries L

Naomi makes a plug for her husband's old merch, noting Paige has been "playing hard in the paint" for a couple years straight.

Back to Brie, Renee and Bryan.. they are going whale sighting.

Brie brings up to Bryan that she's concerned that this job opportunity with WWE will derail their plans, because she retired to stay home with Bryan and become a mom. Brie's been praying for a great opportunity for Bryan but she didn't realize it would potentially be on the road or in WWE. Brie wonders if they'll have to reevaluate plans based around the job.

Bryan asks "Do you not want me to take it? If you don't want me to take it, I won't take it." Brie strikes that down immediately, and Bryan assures her that they'll make it work.

They reinforce their commitment to keep trying now to have a lil Danielson because they're getting old.

Paige arrives backstage to get her MRI results. She's nervous, citing Nikki's neck injury and that no one thought it would be that serious.

Carrano points out that you can see how shoulder blade is jetting out of her back, something is not triggering the muscles on top to work. They're going to try 4-6 weeks of physical therapy.

Carrano: "If it doesn't get better after 6, then we have to have another serious talk about where you're going, what we're doing , why we're doing it."

Paige: So what does that mean..like I'm completely screwed?

Carrano: Will you be drafted later, will your creative vision be determined later, will somebody possibly get an opportunity in front of you that's not in front of you right now....I'm going to have to say yes. I'm telling you right now, we're stopping any momentum you had until we fix this.

Paige (talking head): This could not come at a worse time because the whole brand extension is happening. It's a big moment for WWE, it's a big moment for us, I don't even know if I'm going to be a part of it. I have no idea if I'm ever going to wrestle again.

Oh.

Daniel's job is commentary job for the Cruiserweight Classic. Brie says it's really raised his spirits and he's excited. HINT HINT for things to come.

Author's obnoxious interlude: This is funny because in the Sami Zayn scene they were showing Dean/Seth championship match and Shane/Bryan are in the background scouting as GMs.

They do D. Bry's intro at the tournament and I say this in every Smackdown Live live thread ever, but watching Daniel Bryan watch the crowd do the Yes chant is one of my favorite things.

Remember the Rumble and...

Shawn Michaels is a sexy boy, Sami Zayn is a stupid boy.

Next week!

LANA'S VEGASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS BACHELORETTE PARTY.

See you there.

Did Dean Ambrose Appear: Ya and most of the time he was shirtless.

Did I Follow 2Pawz on Instagram Yet: No but I followed Orcas Island. Leggo.

Is Renee Young My BFF yet: No and I tweeted her and she didn't even notice...

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.