Backlash 2016: SmackDown Women’s Championship match preview

WHO?

Lexi Kaufman, aka Alexa Bliss. Age 25. 5’1", 102 lbs. from Columbus, Ohio, now residing in Orlando, Florida. Former bodybuilder. Survived a life-threatening eating disorder. Former glitter pixie. Now psychotic pixie. Made a cameo at WrestleMania XXX. The B (and best part) in the BAMF… when they were a thing. Avid Disney fan. Miniature Trish Stratus, possibly. Currently dating the M in BAMF, Buddy Murphy.

Rebecca Quin, aka Becky Lynch. Age 29. 5'6", 135 lbs. from Dublin, Ireland, now residing in Orlando, Florida. Wrestled as Rebecca Knox in a past life. Began wrestling to stop drinking. Stopped wrestling when she damaged a cranial nerve. Actor (no, really. She's got a degree in it and everything). Once a flight attendant. Former SuperGirls champion and Queen of Chaos. Once danced with Paige and Saraya Knight. Trained by THEDEMONFINN BALOR, who was WWE Universal Champion for like 22 hours once. No, seriously. Master of puns, armbreaking, and fire, but only if that fire is straight. Rounded fire confuses her probably.

Leah Van Dale, aka Carmella. Age 28. 5’5", 110 pounds from Staten Island, New York via Worcester, Massachusetts, now residing in Orlando, Florida (I sense a pattern developing). Former cheerleader for the New England Patriots. Former Los Angeles Laker Girl. Certified fitness instructor and personal trainer. Second-generation wrestler (her father, Paul, was a jobber for the WWF in the 1990s). Brought into NXT as a hairdresser. Nearly broke up Enzo and Big Cass. Once lost to Blue Pants. Took a Bellahammer once, now she’s mad all of a sudden. Bootlegged Nikki Bella. Unusually orange. Dates Big Cass.

Trinity Fatu, aka Naomi. Age 28. 5’5", weight unknown from Orlando, Florida via Sanford, Florida, now residing in Pensacola, Florida. Anoa’I by marriage (married to Jimmy Uso). Total Diva. Once a Funkadactyl. The one in the top three of NXT Volume 3 you always forget about (she was the runner-up). Also the only one of the top three still around. Also a member of Team B.A.D. because… reasons. Was probably going to be the one to beat AJ Lee at WrestleMania XXX, but then she had her eye put out. Was cut out of another WrestleMania because Total Divas, maybe. Lover of dubstep music and raves, probably.

Natalie Neidhart, aka Natalya. Age 34. 5’5", 135 pounds from Calgary. Alberta, Canada, now residing in Tampa, Florida. World’s first third-generation female wrestler (no, seriously. Wait… lemme check. That can’t be right. I’ll be right back.)

/five minutes later

World’s first third-generation female wrestler. Nearly a decade diva (she signed with WWE in January 2007, joined the main roster in April 2008). Total Diva. Queen of Harts. One-third of the Hart Dynasty in a past life. One-third of The Brass Ring Club in a past life. Married Tyson Kidd in 2013. Once had flatulence as a gimmick. Gah. Even I felt uncomfortable typing that. Once was a chickbuster. Once was a Diva of Doom. Probably turned more times than Big Show, and probably with even less explanation.

Stephanie Nicole Garcia-Colace, aka Nikki Bella (wait… her real first name is Stephanie? Well… this is just… umm… what am I supposed to do with this?). Age 32. 5’6", 125 pounds from Scottsdale, Arizona via San Diego, California. Total Diva. Fearless diva. Sister-in-law of Daniel Bryan. Stepdaughter of John Laurinaitis. Once was WWE Divas Champion for 301 days in a row. Broke her neck somewhere during those 301 days. Did not win an Olympic gold medal. Returned to WWE at Summerslam as a heel for some reason, but was thankfully corrected two days later by a bootleg Nikki Bella. Dating the "face that runs the place" John Cena. Once dated Dolph Ziggler. Has a mean elbow. Probably has a stash of All Japan Pro Wrestling that she won’t let anyone in on for some reason. Can probably get you a good deal on a house, since she’s a qualified real estate agent.

WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING?

Because at the moment, they’re the only six women available on the SmackDown roster and we might as well bunch them all in one match.

WHAT ARE THEY FIGHTING FOR?

The WWE Women’s Championship.

No, not that one.

Not that one either.

Not that one either.

That’s the one. Which looks an awful like its red counterpart.

And its men’s counterpart for that matter.

HISTORY

Remember the six women that were in that one match at Summerslam that would have been filler if not for the fact that Nikki Bella came back from her neck injury which probably wouldn’t have been possible if it were not for Eva Marie getting Wellnessed?

This is not to say that Nikki wouldn’t have come back at Summerslam if Eva were still on the card, she just wouldn’t have been back in an in-ring capacity yet.

Ok, I think I confused everybody. Here’s a video of Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan Danielson introducing SmackDown’s two new championships, the dime titles, and the other women’s championship.

Right, so back to that one match at Summerslam. Nikki Bella won, defeating Carmella with a solid, but not spectacular TKO.

Two nights later on SmackDown, Nikki was set to compete in her first singles match since... hang on a sec.

/checks the Internet Wrestling Database

...last October (holy shit, has it been THAT long?)

/checks the Internet Wrestling Database again

...last October, when Carmella got all up in Nikki’s business.

Protip, kids: if Renee Young senses danger, run. Something’s about to go down. Oh, and how about Carmella just jamming the salt down Nikki’s throat by giving her one of her old finishers, the Bellabuster (you older fans may know it as the X-Factor).

Then this bootleg Nikki Bella comes back for seconds.

Hey... I know that Bellahammer may have knocked some sense out of you, but seriously, Carmella. Seriously. Seriously.

SERIOUSLY.

SERIOUSLY. The woman just got back from a broken neck.

SERIOUSLY. What is your issue, woman?

In the interest of giving the other women in the match time, here’s the show-opening debate from SmackDown this past Tuesday.

Yeah, I can see why this did the lowest rating since the draft. You can’t open with a debate segment. You... you just can’t.

WHO WINS?

This apparently is a first: a six-woman elimination match. That... that cannot be true. Someone should fact check that. Even still, the focus has been on two: Nikki Bella and Carmella. Sure Natalya and Becky Lynch and Alexa Bliss and Naomi are there, but they’re just... there.

So basically, only one of two women are getting this, and let’s not pretend otherwise. It’s either Carmella or Nikkisawa.

WINNER

It’s gonna be Nikki. You might as well finish this comeback story with a happy ending.

/relentlessly pokes Carmella voodoo doll

What? This is perfectly normal. What of it?

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