SummerSlam returns to Brooklyn! And you know what that means?
If you can figure out the personal preferences and vendettas of this unhinged lunatic, you too can win money! It’s time for our degenerate gambling preview of the Smarkiest PPV of The Year.
Last year in Brooklyn the Match of The Weekend was Bayley & Sasha Banks. Maybe the best women’s match ever to that point. So when are we going to get betting lines on NXT Takeover, bookies?? The only way a Nakamura entrance would be better is if I had some Bitcoin on some Strong Style.
One of you websites for action-addicted losers in the Caribbean need to put prices on the Saturday show too. And yeah I see your lines moving books, I know you’re reading this. Make it happen.
Our Shane-O-Mac's Account:
We backed up our 14.17 Shane-O-Mac victory at MITB with a 30.92 loss at Battleground. DAMN YOU TO HELL KEVIN OWENS YOU POUTINE-STUFFED PEPSI.
That means we’re 16.75 Shane O’s in the hole, and the only way we’re getting out is to of course wager even more this time! This plan is flawless and unimpeachable.
All lines are courtesy of 5Dimes, and you can grab them yourself here if you wish. And now, for the thousands that hang on our every word, and the MILLIONS reading CSS around the world...
It is the considered opinion of this space that Vincent Kennedy McMahon is one vengeful MF’er. He’ll bury you for the smallest slights, and though this might count as one of the smallest slights, it still counts. The King of Swing wanted to be on SmackDown, got placed on Raw, and then he said so. Oh, the humanity!
Cesaro has his masters degree, speaks five languages, and is a crazy-strong huge worker that’s really over... but he said a bad thing so let’s put the pasty guy over him! It’s like the @WWECreative_ish is IRL booking sometimes.
I almost feel bad about taking this free money.
The pick: 50 Shane-O-Mac’s on Sheamus. I actually like Sheamus. He’s a very good mid-card heel. But can we please push the best thing out of Switzerland since fancy chocolate and money laundering?
US Championship Match
Roman Reigns +205
And speaking of buried alive, there might be cicadas that will come up before Roman Reigns does again. It might not be clean, ironically because neither was RR’s pee test, but the newlywed and his lovely FSU-graduate bride (BOOOOO SEMINOLES YOUR CHAIR SHOT COMIN’ SEPT. 24TH) are leaving LaGuardia with the strap.
Remember kids: no matter how badly Vince hates you, even he won’t let you fly out of JFK.
The Pick: 50 Shane-O-Mac’s on Rusev. The real action I want is on the decibel level of booing when Roman’s music hits. I’d set the over/under at 105db and bang the top pretty hard. Brooklyn got pretty Full Sail of themselves last year.
It’s three guys you love and a Canadian so old he remembers when the Stanley Cup was just a bowl mounted on a piece of wood. Why am I going after Jericho?? Story time!
I waited on Jericho once while waiting tables at a nice restaurant in college. He was on a date with a woman to whom even Tye Dillinger would give his highest rating, and was beyond kind and pleasant. He gave pics and autographs to everyone that asked. He also got great service, and said wonderful things about the meal.
And then he tipped less than 15% fulfilling every horrible Canadian stereotype. Did the Y2J problem disrupt the calculators too?
The Pick: Totally staying away here. Line seems just about perfect, and though I’d love Certified & Bona Fide to pick up a big win, it’s not the worst thing for Team Canada to go over. They had a rough Olympics, so maybe Vince can give America’s Hat something.
Tag Team Championship:
The New Day +250
I’m New Day’s biggest mark over the age of 15, but as much as I love Xavier and Kofi, it’s not the same without the big man swaying his hips as a “W... W... E... World... Tag... Team.... Championnnnnnnsss!!!” The Pride of the 813’s Tampa Prep is apparently storyline injured only, so he might still be involved on Sunday.
As for Luke and Karl, they are some violent SOB’s in the ring. Not sure if I love ‘em or hate ‘em yet, but wow are they physical. And without Big E at full health, after a year on their shoulders it might be time for the gold to roll.
The Pick: 10 Shane-O’-Mac’s on Luke and Karl. I’m still buying my Booty O’s when Publix puts them on the shelf. RIP to one of the most fun title runs in WWE in a long time.
AJ Styles -555
The CSS Rumor Mill says Hustle, Loyalty, and Respect is gonna be on a break for a bit. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed Cena as of late, and will miss him if he’s gone. Also 2014 Me is now building a time machine to punch Present Day Me in the face for admitting this.
As for AJ, he’s a lousy commentator as we found out Tuesday, and his finisher might kill you. But otherwise he’s one helluva worker, and you know Cena’s The Man at matches like this. Could be another really good one if they let ‘em go for a bit... which might be a challenge since this card feels like it should be a six-hour show.
The Pick: 12 Shane-O’s on The Phenomenal One. “They don’t want none. They don’t want none. They don’t want none.” Those are the only lyrics, right?
The Miz -400
Apollo Crews +280
Apollo is great. Athletic as hell and insanely impressive in person. I saw him squash at an NXT house show, and he’d give Simone Biles a run on the floor exercise. But his mic work isn’t there yet, and he’s still super raw. He’s got a chance to be a great one however.
The Miz was raw once too. Let us reflect fondly upon this innocent time:
Who says reality shows aren’t real?? And just like in the video, The Miz will keep his belt from all comers.
The Pick: 50 Shane-O-Mac’s on Maryse’s hubby. We’re all better for having The Miz in our lives.
Did she peak too early? Sasha ending the longest reign in Diva’s/Women’s Championship history came before the bigger event a month later. And as good as Sasha is, and yes she’s freaking great... she’s not as strong doing non-’rasslin media as Ms. Flair.
If Sasha wins, she’s the female face of your company both inside and out for quite awhile. Charlotte just might be a bit better suited to that duty at this point in her development.
The Pick: 20 Shane-O-Mac’s on Charlotte. But these two passing the strap back and forth for a few months/years/millenia, with frequent interruptions by Bayley and Becky and Nia and and some others sounds pretty fantastic to me. The Women’s Division recruits like Nick Saban.
Dean Ambrose -900
Dolph Ziggler +500
No idea what to do here. I can’t see them putting the biggest title in sports entertainment on Dolph again, but... you know he’s more of a Vince guy than Dean is. And I know he’s a fan fave, but really... I mean do you REALLY mark out for Ambrose? Is he SOOOOO your favorite?? Does he sell THAT much merch??
It’d be a nice redemption story for Ziggler, and he’s an easy guy to root for. And that price of 5/1 is rather juicy, especially considering there’s no way I’d lay that 9/1 on Ambrose.
The Pick: 1 Shane-O-Mac on Dolph. It would be weird, but it wouldn’t be THE WEIRDEST. Also this column is too long already because this card is massive and I’ve used too many all caps.
Finn Balor -300
Seth Rollins +220
This one is simple: if you introduce the Demon King to the casual non-NXT audience, you intend to make it a thing. You’re not rolling that out there on the Go Home Raw and then have him lose on Sunday.
I’m more excited for Finn’s entrance than Donald Trump’s tax returns ending up on Wikileaks. The rocket up his ass is one of the biggest in company history since Owens, Kevin, but he’s making it work. Body paint companies across the world, rejoice.
The Pick: 75 Shane-O-Mac’s on The Demon King. Raising my hands and “WOOOOOO”-ing over my keyboard while the lights come on and off while I type this.
The Main Event:
Brock Lesnar -350
Randy Orton +250
Why The Beast Incarnate will win: Vince will do anything to keep him happy. He likes the money but doesn’t need it, and he can take his ball and go home if he doesn’t fancy the booking. And though he’s a part-timer, there’s no title to defend here, so it’s not like WWE needs him to be on the road. Also he’s BORK LASER.
Why The Viper will win: The Beast failed a USADA test in a real sport. And especially in light of all the recent wellness policy suspensions, having a drug cheat go over might not be the best PR. And they’re really, really pushing this RKO #OuttaNowhere thing.
The Pick: Staying away from this one, but subject to change my mind before the bell. Maybe Brock doesn’t mind jobbing since he won a real fight against a real tough guy six weeks ago? Maybe they want to give Orton a chance to become the top guy? Who knows. I can’t get in Vinny’s head on this one.