Welcome back to our second edition of degenerately gambling on the whims of the septuagenarian in Gorilla Position!!
How could this go wrong??
Our Shane-O-Mac's Account:
As proof of our flawless handicapping, we picked up 14.17 Shane-O-Mac's betting on Money In The Bank!!
And no story of a lifetime of problem gambling has ever begun with a big win. No sir. Uh uh.
So it turns out that rasslin' gamblin; offers lots of opportunity for arbitrage. Yes, that means you literally can't lose sometimes betting on WWE. What a time to be alive!
As a real-life-not-using-Shane-O-Mac's example, I bet on Dean Ambrose to win MITB at +225 at one online sports book, and the other five match participants (Owens +400, Jericho +1250, Cesaro +8000, Zayn +10000, Del Rio +10000) in appropriate proportion so that no matter who won, I shipped some Bitcoin.
You can do this too, but it'll require having multiple sports wagering accounts. If you're going to sign up and do this yourself, here's our favorite book 5Dimes which offers great customer service and lines. Also here's a link to Bovada which isn't as good, but they'll pay you and also takes that sweet, sweet WWE action.
Click the links above to open an account please and thank you. Both sites also accept Bitcoin, which is highly recommended for you dirty Americans and your often-blocked credit cards for online wagering.
And keep reading this piece for one of those arbitrage opportunities.
All lines below are from 5Dimes. You ready to win even more Shane-O-Mac's?
Six Man Tag Match:
The New Day: +210
Wyatt Family: -290
New... Day loses?? The bookies think so. Maybe the Bray Wyatt push Smarksville has been begging for is about to begin, and not as the faction leader of the True Detective Season 1 cast either. Xavier Woods selling pure terror on Tuesday seemed to lay some groundwork.
Kofi, Big E, and X have been so good for so long, and the approaching record for holding the tag team belts was even foreshadowed by Mauro Ranallo on Tuesday. But that's not in jeopardy here, so why not finally give Bray his shine?
The Pick: 50 Shane-O-Mac's on Wyatt Family. Bray finally gets his PPV push, and New Day continues to be the best. Eat some worlds, Mr. Wyatt. Eat.
United States Championship:
Zack Ryder +450
Zack winning certainly isn't impossible, and some secondary straps going to Tuesday nights doesn't sound like a bad line. But can we go down the "Rusev loses, blames Lana, couples drama" all over again? Guh that sounds terrible.
The pick: 5 Shane-O-Mac's on Zack Ryder. Probably not happening because "RUSEV SMASH" but makes a bit of sense with the brand split, and we're getting a nice price if we're right.
The Miz: +165
Darren Young -215
The last time The Miz lost to a member of the LGBT community as brutally as he will on Sunday... well let's flash back to when The Real World still meant something to the cultural zeitgeist:
You millennials never had Coral in your lives, and for that you are less awesome.
The Pick: 100 Shane-O-Mac's on Darren Young. And respect, Darren. Glad you're here. Let's consider this Vince's public apology for Billy and Chuck far too many years too late.
Becky Lynch vs. Natalya:
Becky Lynch -530
ARBITRAGE ALERT! We're using 5Dimes lines for Shane-O-Mac's, but at the time of this writing, Bovada has it Bex -130, Natty -110!!
So if you bet The Lasskicker on Bovada for $130, and $51.11 on Natty at 5Dimes, no matter who wins you'll pick up $48.89. In fact I'm not even doing this myself so a Cagesider can do it and make the free money. I'M LITERALLY GIVING REAL AND FREE MONEY AWAY HERE GO GET IT ANDDDDDDDDDD YOU'RE WELCOME!!
The Pick: Shane-O-Mac's are arbitrage ineligible, so we're staying away from this one. Is everyone else as underwhelmed by Natty as I am? Without The Hitman propping her up why is she a Superstar exactly? And I've loved Becky With The Good Hair since seeing her monthly NXT house shows here in Tampa from the front row. To the moon tout suite Shane and Daniel.
Six Man Tag Match:
John Cena/Enzo & Cass -475
The Club +325
The Face That Runs My Starbucks gave a shoutout to my neighborhood at Raw and then cut this incredible and kick-ass promo in my beloved Ybor City. Fully admitting my 813 bias, but it's really getting hard for me to boo John Cena. He's been fantastic as of late. Paired with possibly the best tag team I've ever seen in person? And likely for the last time due to brand split??
BUT THE CLUB HAS SO MUCH VALUE HERE!! That's a huge price to get on a team that's not afraid to fight dirty to win. Since Les Bullets are getting hacked up anyway, send them out with a bang??
The Pick: 10 Shane-O-Mac's on The Club. REMEMBER: it doesn't have to be clean win. Plus this would be an UH-MAZE-ING spot for a Carmella heel turn to swing the match. They might not want her involved here this early, but let me fantasy book a bit.
El Generico vs. Kevin Steen:
Sami Zayn -120
Kevin Owens -120
The rarest things in wrestling are shoot interviews about what a great guy Scott Steiner was, and true gambling coinflips. Also a good reminder we're paying 20-cent juice on these bets, which is absolutely outrageous.
KO falling in the draft like Warren Sapp and Aaron Rodgers had a fat Canadian baby makes for a great storyline, and just adds to the best-booked rivalry in the company right now. You know a "Fight For-Ever!!" chant is coming during this one, because it will be magical.
Never-say-die and disrespected KO is my favorite KO. He'll find a way to win, and he'll cut a ridiculously fantastic promo afterwards. This dude is so good.
The Pick: 100 Shane-O-Mac's on Kevin Owens. Zayn is great, but him continuing to play the underdog just makes everyone a winner in the long run.
WWE Championship Triple Threat Match:
Dean Ambrose -265
Seth Rollins +425
Roman Reigns +425
So a guy that once stood trial for steroid trafficking is going to put the belt on a guy in his first match back after a Wellness Policy violation? Uh, no. I wouldn't take Reigns at +2000.
That leaves The Living Embodiment of Everything Ohio and The Architect. This comes down to which brand needs the strap more:
Raw Championships: Women's (Charlotte), Tag Team (New Day), US (Rusev), Intercontinental (Darren Young).
SmackDown Championships: NONE
And with that... congrats Ohio. First LeBron came back down 3-1, and then no one died in Cleveland this week. It's your summer.
The Pick: 50 Shane-O-Mac's on Dean Ambrose. But with Styles, Cena, Orton, and Wyatt wearing blue, he might not have it long. Belt's goin' UPPPPP! ON A TUESDAY!.
* Prices are expressed as how much you would win if you bet $100 on the outcome happening. Example: if you bet $100 on Big Show at +900, you would win $900 plus get your original $100 back for a total of $1000 in your account. You could also express this as 9-1 odds; 9-1 is the same thing as +900
-900 is the reverse. If you would bet $900 on John Cena at -900, you would win $100.