We start in the Dark Temple and Pentagón Jr. is STANDING! Vampiro says he's not yet ready to leave, however. They do some kung fu and Vampiro says he can go to the Temple, but he's not ready to face the monster ... not yet.
In the Temple, VOODOO GLOW SKULLS of all acts is the house band. Matt Striker and Vampiro welcome us to the Temple and hype the main event of Chavo Guerrero vs. Cage for the Gift of the Gods. We're also getting a Trios Championship match. Matt Striker fields a call while we go to the first match.
Joey Ryan def. Mascarita Sagrada
Stray observations: Famous B once again handles ring announcing duty for his client. "My name is Famous B -- you know, from the commercials!" He's the best. I also enjoy how ditzy Brenda is. Joey boots Sagrada in the face during B's ring announcing, then stores his blow pop in his own trunks. That's a safe place for it.
Joey crotches Mascarita on the top rope and retrieves the blow pop, offering it to Brenda. She declines. Sagrada hits Joey with a fireman's carry slam and moonsault, but Joey kicks out. Famous B distracts the referee with his business card and Sagrada tries to kick Joey in the dong, but as you can imagine, it has no effect. Joey hits a tornado DDT for the win.
What we learned: Famous B's only client is still winless. I sort of want Joey Ryan to interact with Famous B and Brenda every week. We got our first in-Lucha Underground-canon appearance of the King of Dong Style and it will be interesting to see how he will continue to dial up the sleaze.
We get a Taya vignette, where it is revealed that when she looks in the mirror, she sees dominance, strength and power. Her fantasy is apparently beating a bunch of luchadors to death while wearing a ballgown. Yeah, I've had that fantasy, too.
We cut to King Cuerno in his trophy room (and street clothes). He stands up to reveal that he has MIL MUERTES UNDER GLASS and on display in his trophy room. Cuerno says he is the true king of the jungle.
Gift of the Gods Match: Cage def. Chavo Guerrero (c)
Stray observations: Okay, so I guess this isn't the main event this week. They Call Him Cage is wrestling angry and as Striker points out, an angry fighter is a sloppy fighter. Just a big ol' sloppy boy. Chavo is looking like he's fully back at 100 percent after his Ultima Lucha injury. They Call Him Cage at one point hits Chavo with a crazy-massive monkey flip. Just disgusting and ridiculous.
It's not like I expected this match to be bad or anything, but it was wayyyy better than I expected. Ultimately, They Call Him Cage blocks the third of the Three Amigos and hits the Steiner Screwdriver to get the pin.
He grabs the mic after the match and says he is cashing the Gift of the God in for a match against Matanza NEXT WEEK.
What we learned: Well, Cage and Matanza are finally going to meet up. But if Mil Muertes couldn't defeat Matanza in two opportunities, I don't think Cage is going to fare any better.
In the locker room, Taya says Johnny Mundo has a big surprise for PJ Black and Jack Evans. They follow her to see Fénix laid out. Black and Evans are pissed, but then Mundo reveals that he's their new parter for their title match tonight. He kicks Fénix one last time and the four of them play some Bill & Ted-style air guitar and head out.
In Dario's office, Joey Ryan and Ricky Reyes are looking for some evidence. Joey starts pocketing a drawer full of cash when they get discovered by Mr. Cisco. Since they didn't cut him in on the plan, he says he's going to go tell Dario. Joey pulls a gun and Cisco makes a break for it, but Reyes apprehends him and puts him under arrest.
Cisco looks suitably betrayed as his whole world view comes crashing down.
Trios Championship Match: Johnny Mundo, PJ Black & Jack Evans def. Rey Mysterio, Prince Puma & El Dragón Azteca Jr. (c)
Stray observations: Taya breaks the news that Fénix won't be able to make it tonight and Melissa looks pretty concerned about this.
Black, Evans and Mundo just feel so RIGHT together. I'm feeling fantastic about this stable. Of COURSE this match is the business. I could just watch these two trios mix it up every single week, honestly. At the end, Black gets hit with a 619 and a 630, but Mundo pulls referee Marty Elias out of the ring before he can count three.
Black hits Puma with a low blow, then Evans hits Azteca with a low blow. Then Evans hits Puma with ANOTHER low blow. Black hits the Wellness Policy (a brainbuster) and Mundo hits the End of the World, but Puma kicks out at two. Puma gets the hot tag to Azteca, but just as he hits a Code Red and gets the visual pin on Mundo, Taya distracts Elias. That allows Evans to slide into the ring, wallop Azteca with a chair and reverse the pin.
What we learned: And just like that, we have NEW CHAMPS. Well, if anyone is going to beat the dream team, it may as well be via ample dick kicks and rampant cheating.
I'm suspecting these two teams will meet again ... perhaps at Ultima Lucha.
And that will be all for this week. Sadly, I won't be the one to bring you the Lucha Underground recap next week, but rest assured there will be a place for you to discuss all your palpable Lucha Underground feelings.