Well, this day had to arrive sooner or later. That doesn't mean I'm not sad about it. But okay, let's get going. Here's the final episode of season five. Let's say goodbye to Total Divas together.
And we're off to the races with a sad-ass title card!
We're still in Paris, of course (the land that time forgot). Eva Marie is out at dinner with Nattie and the Bellas, which is what made Mandy Rose so sad in the last episode. Eva says she doesn't feel comfortable inviting people to stuff that isn't her deal, which is totally fair.
While they're out at dinner, a random Frencho comes up and begins hitting on Brie until she confirms she's married.
Thanks for playing, Frencho.
The four women go walk arm-in-arm to the base of the Eiffel Tower and make a wish. The tower suddenly lights up, which makes them think their dreams are all coming true. Nikki's wish is for John to marry her. Brie's wish is for Bryan to be cleared to wrestle. WELP.
Midnight in Paris = Time for WISHES!#TotalDivas pic.twitter.com/x0nzdgjXVa— WWE (@WWE) April 20, 2016
Nikki starts talking about how John totally wants to marry her, so maybe things will finally start happening the way she wants them to!
The next day, Mandy, Paige and Foxy wander the streets of Paris. Mandy thanks them for being cool to her and supporting her when she got emotional the night before. She says Eva showed her true colors. That's right. ALL RED EVERYTHING, BABY.
Elsewhere, Rosa and Bobby head out to see the Arc de Triomphe. In the car on the way there, they start having another argument about religion, because Rosa wants to get married by a priest, while Bobby wants them to get married by his friend Brad. They agree to push the argument back and figure it out later. Rosa is self-aware enough to realize that evading shit is probably an unsustainable strategy. Bobby just tells her to focus on her new engagement ring. Nice, dude.
At a sidewalk cafe, Foxy, Paige and Mandy get sidetracked by an overzealous fan before Foxy reminds them that they all have a couture photo shoot later. Oh yeah!
Aw! @RealPaigeWWE has fans all over the world. #TotalDivas pic.twitter.com/l0O0bJW59h— Total Divas (@TotalDivas) April 20, 2016
Back at the chateau, Nattie does Mandy's makeup while they drink champagne and have some chatting and bonding time. Foxy walks by their room while they're talking and overhears Nattie calling the photoshoot a dumb idea. CUE FOXY BEING PISSED ABOUT SOMETHING.
Foxy goes into Rosa and Bobby's room and tells them and Paige that Nattie smells like ignorance and reeks of stupidity. FOXY IS A NASAL EMPATH. Foxy starts settling in for a long day of sulking on the couch and being huffy and says she's going to cancel the photo shoot. Everyone starts hearing conflicting things and gathers in the living room to sort out exactly what's going on here.
Nattie clarifies that she wasn't badmouthing the photo shoot, she just didn't know what it was or what it was for. Mandy also takes this time to clear the air about Eva Marie hurting her feelings. Nattie just starts saying BROKEN TELEPHONE over and over again and finally they all agree that they should probably just talk to each other. Yeah, probably. Situation defused!
Mandy and Eva talk in a bedroom and Mandy talks about how she felt left out. Eva offers a genuine dang apology and explains that she's not a mind reader. (OR A NASAL EMPATH. THAT'S FOXY'S THING, MANDY.) She's also rocking some sweet roots here.
Communication is key in every friendship. #TotalDivas pic.twitter.com/8QRJM8aI4r— Total Divas (@TotalDivas) April 20, 2016
Mandy says her apology is sincere, but she also thinks Eva should take full responsibility. She also says she's not going to forget this. SOON.
So Bobby has apparently flown home and all the women head out for a nice, fancy, dress-up dinner. Foxy stands up and offers a toast, more-or-less explaining for being Alicia Fox as hell about the photo shoot and also telling Rosa how much she loves her and is happy they made up. Then they all head out to the Moulin Rouge.
Can the #TotalDivas enjoy a show at the Moulin Rouge?— WWE (@WWE) April 20, 2016
Yes they Can Can Can!!! pic.twitter.com/S5SUJfM6Sw
Everyone is having the best time and talking about how they're so cohesive now and that the trip has made them stronger. Nattie cracks herself up by calling them a "unit."
BACK IN THE STATES. SmackDown taping in New Orleans! Uce frightens Paige and Big Show congratulates Rosa on her engagement. Just standard awesome/adorable stuff from all your WWE tertiary characters you know and love.
World's Largest Hug!@WWETHeBigShow @LaRosaMendes #TotalDivas pic.twitter.com/WQ7XuX7Qns— WWE (@WWE) April 20, 2016
Rosa is back in her new role as backstage interviewer, pregnant as hell and interviewing Dolph Ziggler for a segment. They surprise Rosa with a cake and Bobby. She's super happy with how her life is going, plus she and Bobby have agreed to let their daughter choose for herself whether she's going to be a Christian. Uh, yeah. Solid plan. Free will. Good call.
It's time to celebrate @LaRosaMendes! #TotalDivas pic.twitter.com/LabwLHT7qe— Total Divas (@TotalDivas) April 20, 2016
TWO MONTHS LATER CARD!
At John and Nikki's house, Nikki is chasing an adorable Frenchie puppy around!
HOW CUTE is this, @BellaTwins? #TotalDivas pic.twitter.com/M76p8t17DC— Total Divas (@TotalDivas) April 20, 2016
John has had shoulder surgery at this point and Nikki is going for an MRI. Nikki's mom is going to watch the puppy (Winston) while she goes for the MRI. Nikki talks about how bad she's been feeling. Depending on the results of the MRI, she may need surgery. This is a bummer, because we already know how this one turns out.
In Pittsburgh, Rosa and Bobby are staying at his parents' house when Rosa starts having contractions at 4 a.m. OH SNAP IT'S HAPPENING.
"This is actually going to happen ... I'm going to have the baby tonight!" - @LaRosaMendes #TotalDivas pic.twitter.com/itjtEbzPJt— WWE (@WWE) April 20, 2016
Nikki calls Brie after her MRI and relays the news: according to the doctor, not only has her bulging disc not gotten better, it has herniated and is pressing against her spinal cord. Nikki is understandably bummed, but manages to get in a choice Brie burn. Brie says she's the only one of the four of them that isn't injured and Nikki says, "Yeah, because you don't give it all you've got in there."
And holy hell, Rosa has already given birth!
Welcome Baby Jordan to the @WWEUniverse!!#TotalDivas @LaRosaMendes pic.twitter.com/oavwT85YoX— WWE (@WWE) April 20, 2016
Welcome to Total Divas, Jordan!
Back in Tampa, MORE PUPPY STUFF!
Angel. #TotalDivas pic.twitter.com/Z9Gk8rZ53v— Total Divas (@TotalDivas) April 20, 2016
Nikki tells her mom about the news and that she'll need surgery. Nikki is super frustrated because it's all for real now. She had been suspecting, but hearing the confirmation is just now hitting her. The injury is so severe and rare that Dr. James Andrews has only seen something like this once before, and never in a woman.
She starts breaking down in tears, because she isn't ready for her career to be over, but she's also sick of being in pain all the time, which she compares to "a permanent hangover." Damn, this sucks.
Back at Bobby's parent's house, Rosa is overwhelmed because all the baby books haven't prepared her for what having a baby is actually like. She also reveals that she hasn't spoken to her mother in two months, because of Bobby being an atheist and what they've decided for their daughter, faith-wise. (This entire scene/discussion happens while she's breast-feeding, by the way.)
At RAW, Brie is nervous about her and Nikki's meeting with Mark Carrano, because it might be the end of their whole career.
In Pittsburgh, Bobby is driving around Rosa and their baby. Bobby is bummed out that Rosa's mom is being to petty about this whole thing. Rosa says she told her mom that God doesn't discriminate, but that made her mom angry. It resulted in a pretty intense argument and they haven't spoken since. Bobby is pissed off about it and they agree they'd rather not have Rosa's mom around Jordan at all.
Nikki is driving to Columbus and calls John on the phone. She says she's going to talk to Carrano as soon as she gets to the arena and she's nervous. John gives her a pep talk and says the important thing is to be pain free. He apologizes for not being there.
Back in Pittsburgh, Rosa says she really wants to move to PIttsburgh. She gets emotional because she's so happy right now and is excited about Jordan being raised by Bobby's big family that loves her. Good for you, Rosa. Get that support for you and your family.
Angel. #TotalDivas pic.twitter.com/fhz9mbbiGj— Total Divas (@TotalDivas) April 20, 2016
The meeting with Carrano has finally arrived. Mark says they have the MRI results and they know what they see. He says talent relations cares about one thing: the health of the wrestlers. He says they're looking at this injury as potentially career-ending. It's nothing they're hoping or planning for, but it's totally possible Nikki has worked her last match.
They support her, but Nikki says there is no Nikki Bella without wrestling. That's wayyyyy too real. As they leave the meeting, Nikki tells Brie she doesn't feel like she's wrestled her last match. She's not ready to retire at 32. Brie then drops the title card line. It feels like a lot of change is coming.
And change is INDEED coming, as we see the preview video for Total Bellas, coming this fall.
We'll miss you, Total Divas. Tuesday nights just won't be the same without you. Now we begin the long, excruciating wait for the fall and the advent of Total Bellas.
CHEERS to another great season of #TotalDivas!! pic.twitter.com/uDEUu4zT0E— WWE (@WWE) April 20, 2016
Thanks for joining me for these recaps all season. I hope you'll miss reading them half as much as I miss writing them.