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'Total Divas' recap: C'est La Diva (Part 1)

The two-part season finale begins here. Don't dream it's over.

By Bill Hanstock

We start off in Tampa, with Nikki visiting her physical therapist (along with Nattie). Nikki admits she's in a lot of pain and her doctor urges her that she needs to start listening to her body. Then it's off to cryotherapy.

Nattie is fairly horrified by watching Nikki deal with cryotherapy, but she hops in a futuristic cylinder herself. "I used to live in Canada!" she says. She manages to tough it out, though. Then, in typical Nattie fashion, she gets the towel with the hole in it.

hole

[sad Nattie trombone]

Backstage, Team Bella is preparing for their upcoming European tour, which will include the Divas doing a bunch of press and appearances in Paris. Foxy and Rosa are still on the outs. Foxy says she still has professional love for Rosa, but they've been yelling at each other a bunch later. Nikki gets distracted by John Cena.

nikki cena

Who could blame her?

Then we get a TWO DAYS LATER graphic and suddenly we're in Paris. The Big Apple.

two days later

As promised, Foxy pushes around Paige like luggage.

luggage

All the Divas are in the house and they all catch a bus together to the hotel. This is the first trip to Paris for both Eva Marie and Rosa. Paige is jazzed about the Eiffel Tower, but everyone else in the group is on a different wavelength. Brie and Nikki, for example, are bringing their grandmother to Paris soon so they don't really GAF about anything. COULD THIS SPELL FRUSTRATION FOR PAIGE?

paige

Yeah.

It turns out they have something a little more fancy than a hotel. It's two straight-up chateaus with two three-room suites.

chateau

Paige yells "SHOTGUN THIS ROOM UP HERE" from upstairs and Brie and Nikki call one of the master bedrooms. Then everyone else settles in for wine and cheese. And Paige lets everyone know their welcome goody bags have berets in them.

Rosa refuses to share a room with Paige, because she's with Foxy. And Since Rosa is fighting with Foxy, she doesn't want her baby to be stressed out on the trip. Foxy, meanwhile, has arranged for a couture photo shoot for the Divas while they're in Paris (the Windy City). Sounds awesome.

With the two houses, only Paige and Foxy have chosen to sleep in the second house. Oh, whoops, everyone forgot that Eva and Mandy are a thing.

eva and mandy

So they all head to the other house, where Foxy and Paige immediately start carrying on with them. The others can hear them from the other house and they all get simultaneously disgusted by the party-girl house.

nikki

Nattie says sometimes she likes to put on a little country western and decompress. That's so Nattie. Foxy and Eva make up, because of how Foxy totally chewed out Eva earlier this season. Foxy is happy to make up with Eva, given what's going on with her and Rosa.

foxy eva hug

The four "outcasts," as they're dubbing themselves (not social outcasts, naturally), begin settling down for some serious bonding. Foxy finally realizes there's way too much going on in her personal life to worry about Rosa being bent out of shape about dumb stuff. She's done with it.

The next day in Paris, the City that Never Sleeps, Nikki and Brie go out to do some hardcore sweets shopping. Hell yes, priorities, people.

Foxy is skipping out on the Eiffel Tower trip because she doesn't want to go anywhere with Rosa and is willing to spare everyone else the drama. Eva Marie looks Paris as helllllll.

eva marie paris

In the bus on the way to the Eiffel Tower, Mandy finds out that TJ is Nattie's "first and only." It's a Total Divas rite of passage!

Paige says she has a special surprise for the Divas at the Eiffel Tower and she's sad Foxy won't be there because she'll regret missing this forever.

At the top of the Eiffel Tower, they find a trail of rose petals. HMMMMM. Sure enough, Rosa's dude Bobby is there! Rosa is like "What are you doing here?" which is probably pretty obvious. He tells her how much she means to him and then proposes at the top of the dang Eiffel Tower, which is a lot more impressive than Kevin's fake-tattoo proposal to Paige, if less imaginative.

Later at a WWE media event in Paris -- the Biggest Little City in the World -- Rosa shows off her ring to the Bellas and Foxy, all of whom weren't present for the event. Foxy is bummed because she missed it. A LITTLE bummed, she specifies. Paige was right!

They do interviews as part of the junket and everyone agrees Paige is the biggest troublemaker among them. Brie calls out Nikki for eating ANOTHER piece of bread. Damn, Brie. Who died and made you the carbs narc?

They head back home and Bobby and Rosa settle in for ... you know ... boning.

bobby rosa

Later that night in Paris (the Big Easy), John has arranged for a private wine and cheese tasting for the Bellas. Damn, this is seriously the best trip ever, for everyone involved.

Brie says Nikki has to go work out with her in the morning after all this charcuterie. I can't stop thinking about how much it must have cost for them to rent out the observation deck of the Eiffel Tower for an hour or however long they were up there.

Elsewhere, the non-Bellas all go out for a nice dinner and Paige is proud that she managed to convince Foxy to come along. Bobby asks which Diva is going to be the next  to get pregnant. Damn, dude. Have SOME chill. Foxy says "WELL IT'S NOT GONNA BE ME" and is being a real Debbie Downer at dinner.

foxy downer

The next morning, Brie attempts to wake Nikki to go to the gym. No dice.

Foxy talks to Eva Marie and says maybe she should have a conversation with Rosa and make up. Yeah, maybe. Eva supports her and gives good advice. Damn, the Performance Center does amazing work.

Eva Marie is going on a bike ride with the Bellas and Nattie, while Rosa, Foxy and Paige are going to a market. Mandy is bummed Eva didn't invite her along on the bike ride, since she doesn't know anyone else there as well as she knows Eva.

The Bellas go out to a bakery with Eva Marie, where Nikki has another donut and Brie manages to go five whole minutes before giving her a guilt trip about it.

Mandy ends up going out to the shops with the others, where Rosa buys some baby clothes before they all head out to the market. Foxy finally tells Rosa that she wants to talk. Rosa is nervous about it, but Foxy lays out everything that's been going on with her. Rosa finally realizes she's been a bit selfish due to the pregnancy stuff. They both admit they missed each other and they make up.

They return to the rest of the group, arm in arm, and everyone cheers that they've reconnected. Friendship!

The Bellas and Eva go for a bike ride, even though Nikki and Eva are both in horribly impractical heels. Eva isn't SUPER great at riding a bike.

Brie cheers them on for burning calories and Nikki gets pissed, because that's not the reason they're riding bikes around Paris, the City of Brotherly Love. Nikki says she is going to treat herself as much as she wants because she's in pain and she's the only person who should be able to tell her what to do.

They stop at a cafe and Brie orders some french fries in solidarity. Way to loosen up a bit, Brie! I think we've all grown a little today.

Back at the houses, Paige reveals she has a surprise for everyone. She's hired a life model for them to all draw. Said life model, Fred, arrives and they all set up easels and art pads.

Paige has arranged for it to be a NUDE life model who will pop his pants off to surprise everyone when they don't expect it.

Hey, Paige? That's assault. Nattie is weirded out and everyone else is totally on pins and needles because this is the second penis Nattie has seen. Nattie handles it like a champ and they all have a decent laugh about it.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, the Bellas and Eva have a chef teach them how to make macarons. Ugh, this TRIP. They should definitely sell a Total Divas Paris package. You can include Fred hanging dong, too. It's all good. The other Divas arrive and then head out to eat a prepared dinner, but the Bellas stop Nattie. John has gotten them reservations for dinner at the restaurant where they filmed Something's Gotta Give. You remember. The restaurant at the end. With Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves.

Come on, I'm not the only person who's seen Something's Gotta Give.

So those four bone out for dinner and only then does Mandy find out that Eva has made plans without even giving her a heads up. FOOL ME TWICE, EVA MARIE. She goes out to have a cry and Paige goes to her room to comfort and talk to her. Paige, the person who savaged Mandy on Tough Enough for months.

paige mandy

It's really sweet! Rosa and Foxy join in and assure her that she fits in and she's going to be just fine. Mandy says she sees Eva's true colors now. She's not a kiss-ass and she doesn't forget.

NEXT WEEK: The season finale! NOOOOOOOOO. IT'S TOO SOON.

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