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'Total Divas' recap: Peace of Cake

Brie Bella wants a scooter. Also, something really important happens.

By Bill Hanstock

We're in Philadelphia for RAW and basically the first thing we see is Nikki almost falling down a flight of stairs and dying.

nikki trip

Renee, Nikki and Brie are hanging out and Renee shows the others a photo of the scooter she bought. Brie wants to buy one herself, to get around Phoenix. Nikki immediately tells Brie that she's going to kill herself because she's totally uncoordinated and clumsy. She predicts that Brie will get killed by a merging car.

Backstage, Rosa is digging into her third plate of food in the past hour and is so happy because she's been dieting full-time for years and now doesn't have to worry about it. Hell yeah, you go, Rosa.

Paige wrestles a match against Naomi (HI NAOMI!) and she's thrilled with how her career is going right now, because she's on every show and every pay-per-view. It's basically the opposite of how her relationship with Kevin is going. But that's cool, because she just wants to focus on her career right now, anyway. Hell yeah, you go, Paige.

Elsewhere backstage, Nikki tracks down Renee just to complain about Brie's scooter some more. Renee says she owns a scooter herself and it's not a big deal. While they're walking and arguing, they run into MEXAMERICA-ERA ZEB COLTER.

They go and grab Brie and Nikki tells Brie that she's not getting a scooter. This is followed up by Nikki, in a testimonial, saying, "I am not controlling." Nikki makes Brie promise that she's not getting a scooter.

promise

Brie says sometimes, you just have to tell Nikki what she wants to hear. But her and Bryan only have one car and a scooter would be perfect. So shut up, Nikki, basically.

Paige and Kevin go shopping and essentially spent the whole time griping at each other. Paige's mom is coming to town (!!!!!) and Kevin has agreed to pretend that everything is fine. Oh, that should go REALLY well.

Paige picks up SWEET SARAYA at the airport!

We even get footage of Sweet Saraya in indie matches, being her usual badass self. This is going to rule so incredibly hard. Saraya's awesome punk plaid pants and wallet chain go really well with Paige's I HATE EVERYONE hoodie.

On the way back from the airport, Saraya talks about how great Kevin is. When they get home, Saraya immediately jumps on Kevin and gives him all the ADORING MOM HUGS. Paige is displeased.

Elsewhere, RENEE AND BRIE IN A CAR WITH BRIE AND BRYAN'S ADORABLE DOG.

adorbs

They're on their way to look at scooters, because the more Nikki tells Brie not to do something, the more determined she is to do it. Brie says she found a listing on Craigslist and Renee gives her maximum grief for trying to buy a scooter off Craigslist instead of from a dealer.

Because Renee is a great friend, she calls Keyon, the "Craigslist vendor" and arranges for him to meet them at a neutral, public location with the scooter. Renee is always thinking.

At Rosa's house, she unpacks groceries and says she looks like the "Hot Mama" pickle. She has a ton of snacks and an entire cake and her dude sort of flies off the handle and tells her she has to stop eating at all hours. Yooooouuuu're a jeeeeeerrrrrk. It's okay, they just eat some cake and chill.

Paige and Sweet Saraya and Kevin and others are hanging out at a bar and Paige is getting fairly tore up. Saraya and Kevin try to get her to drink SLIGHTLY less. Paige says she'll try to have a one-on-one conversation with her mum tomorrow.

Back in Phoenix, Bryan has joined Brie and Renee to meet up with Keyon, who showed up in MAXIMUM CREEPYVAN.

He actually brought two scooters with him. The first one doesn't start, but the second one fires up no problem. Brie hops on with Renee.

scooter

Bryan reacts appropriately.

bryan reaction

The test drive (ride, actually) goes well and Brie is already fantasizing about how much easier their lives will be without having to schedule who has the car when. Then Bryan puts on a helmet.

bryan helmet

Keyon tries to wheel and deal, while Bryan sits on a scooter and honks every time Keyon lies.

honk

Keyon agrees to get the non-working scooter running. Bryan says if he doesn't get that one working, they won't buy either of them.

At Rosa's house, her dude is still harping on her about her eating habits and Rosa calls him out for trying to food-shame her.

Paige and Sweet Saraya spend the afternoon at a TRAMPOLINE GYM, doing wrestling moves to each other.

They go out to lunch and Paige says she's going to put Sweet Saraya in a home when she gets older. Saraya can tell something is wrong, but Paige can't work up the courage to tell her about Kevin. Saraya starts getting on her about how she needs to address things, so in typical Paige fashion, Paige bails.

Saraya chases her down, but Paige isn't hearing it. She says she doesn't need a lecture.

At Brie and Bryan's house, Keyon texts and says the scooter is ready. He comes by the house and drops them off, complete with an extra (full) gas can. Brie and Renee take the scooters out for a celebratory spin. Renee says, "It's so much better scooting with somebody." Agree.

Paige and Saraya are driving around and Saraya apologizes, but explains that being concerned is just part of being a mother. Paige says she's just stressed out right now because there's so much pressure and she just misses having fun. She starts crying.

tear

Saraya picks that moment to say that she's lucky she has Kevin around to look out for her. NOT HELPING, MUM.

Elsewhere, Eva and Rosa go out to lunch with Mandy and her guy, whose name I forget, so let's just say ... Biff McLargestein. Rosa orders like a billion things and everyone is pretty surprised at how much she's eating. Rosa talks about how Bobby is giving her crap about what she's eating and HE EVEN SET UP NANNY CAMS IN THE KITCHEN AND BEDROOM. Holy lord. Everyone reacts appropriately, because that is a thing a crazy person would do.

Mandy says now that she knows there are cameras in there, she should eat even more, just to mess with him. Hell yes, you go, Mandy.

Bryan and the Bella family meets up for lunch and Brie and Renee roll up on their scooters. Nikki flips out, because she kind of sucks sometimes. During lunch, Brie says Renee makes her feel confident, while Nikki makes her feel insecure. Their brother, JJ, says he thinks Brie is safer on a scooter than Nikki is on those heels. ROWRRRRR HISSSSSS. Everyone pretty much agrees that Nikki is wrong.

Rosa's dude gets home and he says he hasn't even had time to look at the nanny cams. She's upset because her and Mandy went on a WACKY EATING MONTAGE and he didn't see any of it.

He says he installed those cameras for the baby and that the reason he's been upset about her eating habits is because he used to be heavy and has gained a lot of weight himself because of what she has been buying. That's a little more reasonable, I guess. Rosa feels bad because she didn't know her dude doesn't have any willpower and she's been inadvertently enabling him. They make up.

In a park, Saraya continues her tearful conversation with Paige. She says she doesn't want Paige to push herself, because she just wants her to be safe. Paige finally admits she and Kevin are having relationship problems. She realizes it was stupid to keep that from her devoted mum. She tells her mother how much she loves and respects her and they have a lovely hug.

Rosa and Bobby are going for a 20-week prenatal exam. They check out an ultrasound of their daughter. Rosa says she wants the baby to be an Olympic gold medalist in soccer. Bobby wants her to be the female Kobe. The doctor says it's cool if she's eating a lot, but maybe just try not to eat SO much cake or cupcakes, so the kid won't end up with diabetes.

THANKS A LOT, DOCTOR BUZZKILL.

Nikki comes over to Bryan and Brie's house and Nikki gripes about the scooter again. Bryan says he's more worried about Brie being on the road all the time and checking into hotels at 3 a.m. than her being on a scooter.

BRYAN: I don't like how you're trying to tell us how to live.
NIKKI: I've been trying to tell you guys how to live for a long time. 
BRYAN: Right, and we don't listen. Which is why we're so happy.
BRIE: Right.

ice cold braniel

DAMMMMMNNNN.

nikki reaction

DAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNNN. [reggaeton airhorn]

Bryan and Brie outline all the ways the scooter makes sense and is totally safe. Nikki FINALLY admits she was "a bit" controlling, but reserves the right to say "I told you so" if Brie dies in a fiery wreck. Noted.

Back at Paige's house, Paige and Kevin are officially over. WHAT?????

Paige is moving out and Kevin didn't want to be there. Understandable. Paige finds Kevin's iPad when she's packing up all her stuff and instantly feels bad because of his lock screen.

ipad

She also briefly considers packing the cats. She doesn't want to move them until she has her furniture moved.

pack a cat

Josh from Tough Enough and some other friends help her move into her new place, which is a room in a nice house, which might be Josh and his wife's house, but it's not clear. Then she heads out to the porch to have what will almost certainly be an awkward phone call with Kevin. She lets her know that all her stuff is out.

They have a WAY-TOO-REAL conversation that is just the standard "This is super strange but we're trying to be nice humans about this" conversation. She hangs up and says she's focusing on her right now. She says maybe she should give up on guys for a little bit.

SAD STUFF GUYS. I'm looking forward to next week's episode, because I look forward to every week's episode. Please help out and watch Total Divas with me every week so it doesn't get canceled and so I won't be sad forever.

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