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'Total Divas' recap: Clothes Quarters

Nattie and Mandy are taking their family vacations together. Will it end in tears?

We start things off backstage, where Rosa is looking SUPER pregnant and Foxy is wearing her outfit from her and Paige's Halloween shoot around, looking like a supreme badass and making me wonder why that's not just her in-ring gear.


At catering, Paige is so overcome by "pizza grilled cheese" that she lies down on the ground.

pizza grilled cheese

We've all been there.

In Arizona (probably), Bryan and Brie go to lunch with Nikki, where Bryan raves about eating Dutch babies. Nikki and Brie start talking about their clothing/bra and panty line hopefully getting picked up. Their company is called "Berty Bee" or some spelling to that effect. Nikki starts talking about how comfortable the panties are. Bryan interrupts her, saying he doesn't want to be thinking about her downstairs places before eating his delicious Dutch babies.

Then they start talking about Dutch ovens and how Brie Dutch ovens Bryan constantly. Nice.

dutch oven

At the Performance Center, Nattie and Mandy are still training together. Nattie is actually excited about training Mandy right now, because she believes it will allow them to bond ahead of their joint family vacations. Nattie is also concerned that her dad is going to embarrass her. Not sure how he would do that.


A pillar of the community.

Nikki and Brie are in New York City, co-hosting Today. They think this is the perfect time to pitch their clothing line to some movers and shakers. When Nikki tries to have a business conversation, Brie starts talking about how SHE NEEDS A BABY RIGHT NOW. Nikki half-successfully gets her to focus up.

The Mandy clan arrives on Sanibel Island, which is a barrier island off the southeast coast of Florida. There are some cute little babies, but also some weirdness, because both of Mandy's parents are there ... and they're recently separated. Mandy is pretty upset about it, crying while talking about it.

Mandy's brother takes her aside and says, hey, maybe Mom and Dad shouldn't be in the same room. UH HEY YEAH MANDY WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU THINKING. Mandy sort of deflects and is like, "Oh but it would be nice" and her brother is just like "Yeah, it's not happening, Mandy."

Later, her brother is terrorized by a crab.


Then the Neidharts roll up, with Nattie reminding Jim who Mandy is right at the last minute. TJ, of course, is amused by all of this.


Nattie introduces Mandy to her dad, saying Mandy is "normal." Mandy is just like


Back in NYC, Nikki and Brie have been talking with Andrew, the owner of Spiritual Gangster, a clothing company. Andrew, in turn, has set them up with Daymond John, creator of Fubu and noted Shark Tank shark. Brie doesn't seem very impressed at this very impressive thing.


Brie says she doesn't want to bring investors in. She wants them to keep doing it themselves. She in particular thinks she's going to keep sewing the clothes. She says she doesn't want to lose sight of what the company is about. Okay, Brie.

Back on the island, Mandy is still pressing the issue with her parents. Like, "You guys are having fun right? Right?!?!" She thinks that having all the kids put stress on their marriage and maybe now this island life will allow them to take the pressure off and reconnect. Hey Mandy, maybe stop nagging the balls out of them then.

Jim Neidhart wears a very appropriate shirt for beach times.

He's also understandably concerned about going paddle boarding. Nattie is concerned about her dad being embarrassing.


Yeah, I'm not seeing it.

At NYC, Nikki and Brie go to a sewing school so Brie can prove to Nikki that they can sew underwear on their own. Brie doesn't even bring a real pattern to the school. Off to a great start, Brie! She runs the sewing machine really sloppily ... and then this is the final product.


That went really great, guys! Good job!

Back on the island, everyone is not only going paddleboarding (canoeing, really), but the families are competing against one another! That's great. That'll work out great. The canoe instructor talks about the importance of working together an Mandy is of course like, "Yeah. Teamwork." Because Mandy cannot leave alone the Parent Trap shit for a single second.

The Neidharts get thoroughly trounced by the ... Mandys. Nattie is embarrassed, disparaging the Mandys for just running a deli, while her team is comprised of wrestlers and a former NFL guy. Oh, you mean people who are used to working by themselves? Yeah. Cool. Who could have foreseen this?

In NYC, Nikki is giving Brie the silent treatment for making bad underwear.


No, this seems fine.

At the island house, Nattie's mom is getting a massage, which is focusing on her lower back ... but mostly on her ass.

ass massage

Jim is displeased!

jim displeased

Jim calls the masseur "Norman Bates" and goes out to give the dude the stink-eye. Nattie is ... wait for it ... embarrassed!

Later, in the van, Mandy and her family reminisce about happier times. Mandy thinks her Parent Trapping is working. The Neidharts go fishing. Nattie's mom is catching a billion fish, while Jim is catching nothing and cursing up a storm. Nattie is just thankful the Mandys aren't around to see it.

Mandy and her mom lay out on a dock. Her mom says she'll always love Mandy's father and that sometimes "time heals." Mandy, as you may imagine, likes this talk.

Nikki and Brie are finally talking in NYC again. Nikki is still having to sell Brie on bringing in people who actually know what they're doing. Brie says she's just concerned about having a sweatshop overseas somewhere. Yeah, that's probably the one valid concern there. Nikki is frustrated. "I'm just a better businesswoman than Brie." Yeah, probably.

The Bellas meet with jewelry designer Kara Ross, whose company they are ambassadors for. They ask for advice on how they can start their company, like Ross did. Brie still says she wants to do things "Etsy style." Ross says they can only get so big that way. Nikki is also trying to show it's possible to have your name on a company and direct it without having to control every aspect.

Back at the beach, Mandy talks about her parent-meddling with her brothers. Swole Bro says that isn't going to happen. "DAD DON'T HAVE THOSE FEELINGS FOR MOM ANY MORE. IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT. IT'S OVER WITH. I LIVE WITH DAD. I'VE TALK TO HIM." Then he storms off. Swole Bro contains multitudes.

swole bro

Back in NYC, Brie apologizes to Nikki and they have a heart-to-heart ahead of their meeting with Daymond. Nikki makes fun of Brie's weird granny panty she made one last time. Brie says she doesn't want a hug, because Nikki's hugs suck. Nikki says BRIE'S hugs suck. So they settle on ... this:

weird hug

Mandy sits down with her family and her dad finally calls her out for her meddling. Her dad (in amazing "New York Italian guy" voice), says both he and her mom are better off being apart now. Mandy starts crying, because it is a hard thing to have to come to terms with. (But still, Mandy, come on, y'all meddlin.')

Mandy's mom says it's still nice for everyone to be together and enjoy each other's company. Mandy's dad says they'll both always be in their lives. Mandy says, "What I learned is it's not really up to me to get my parents back together." Yes. Exactly. It is not up to you. I'm glad you learned that. They all have a lovely, emotional, joyful resolution to Mandy's rampant meddling.

Later, both the Mandys and the Neidharts have a massive joint dinner and Mandy leads a toast. She gives thanks to Nattie and says all that matters is families spending time together. Nattie finally learns not to be so embarrassed of her father all the time.

Mandy really came into her own in this episode and even though her meddling was HALL OF FAME WORTHY, she really seems like one of the overall coolest and most rational people on the show.

Back in NYC, Nikki and Brie go to their meeting with Daymond at his office inside the Empire State Building. Nice! HEY HERE'S THE SHARK TANK/TOTAL DIVAS CROSSOVER OUR BODIES CRAVED.


Nikki lays out her company pitch and Brie elaborates on the "pay it forward" aspect of the company: whenever someone buys a pair of underwear, a pair of underwear will be donated to someone in need. Hopefully a pair of sexy underwear. Daymond takes notes, just like in a real Shark Tank episode. He then levels with them: when he first heard about their idea, his immediate reaction was "No." Perhaps a ... flat no?

flat no

He says every celebrity wants a clothing line and they usually want it for a vain reason. He says he's impressed by the charity concept, because it has lululemon-like potential. They finally clarify the company is called "Birdie Bee" like "the birds and the bees." Like sex ed! Neat!

Daymond is interested and brings in one of his designers. Brie and Nikki work through some designs.


Daymond thinks it's interesting and wants to talk to his team and see if there's something worthwhile here. Nikki and Brie are understandably excited about this.

The Neidharts are spending a final bit of time together and a small adorable child drops some science on EVERYBODY'S ass.

having fun

Well done. One last family selfie and everyone is happy.

neidhart selfie

Nattie gets in one last jab and says the Mandys could never beat the Neidharts in a REAL competition.

Nikki gets out of an NYC taxi "ungracefully" and then Brie argues whether that is a real word. (It is.)


Nikki is happy that Brie is happy. Brie admits Nikki was right all along. They toast to themselves and their future success.

Next week: Paige has a huge secret that no one knows about. Guessing it's a concussion, based on the footage we see.

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