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'Total Divas' recap: Hart of the Matter

Could somebody be changing their last name? Nah, probably not.

The episode opens up with Jim Neidhart on a shake machine, so things are already going great.

jiggling

Nattie shows him how he's supposed to use it and he makes a poop joke, then he helps her out and cracks her neck.

neck

Well, that was horrifying.

The Divas meet fans outside a WWE event. Nattie talks to a girl who's "dead set on being a Diva." Nattie tells her to work on little things every day to achieve her goal.

Backstage, Kevin is in town visiting Paige on a rare occasion that they're not both on tour (well, she's on tour, but you understand). She says things have been weird since she told him she doesn't want to be engaged anymore. I'll bet! She says it's hard to have a relationship outside of WWE, but she doesn't want to have a relationship with anyone INSIDE WWE, because she doesn't want to be around anyone that much. She has pity for anyone who wants to be in a relationship with her. I'll bet!

After the show, Paige and Foxy say goodbye to Kevin. Paige says sometimes when Kevin hangs out backstage, it feels like babysitting. I'll bet! Foxy says she feels like she doesn't have sex anymore and that's depressing.

At a group backstage hangout, Nikki shows up with THE SMALLEST BOUQUET EVER.

bouquet

Surprise! They're from Daniel Bryan and they're for Brie. They come with a very sweet note about how he misses her while she's been on the road. It came with a fruit basket, too! The women ask what Brie got for Bryan in return and she's just like

shrug

She makes up her mind to try and return the favor. This should end hilariously.

Nattie, Brie and Nikki are checking into a hotel later and have a conversation about all their respective men. Nattie says her and TJ have been married for three years now and he'd love for her to change her last name.

Nattie says changing her last name on a piece of paper won't change how they feel about each other. THAT'S COMPLETELY CORRECT. The Bellas try to convince her otherwise in the elevator, however, saying that "Natalie Wilson" would be a sexy name. She could be an honorary member of Heart!

Backstage at a WWE Live Event, Rosa talks to Nattie and tries out her backstage interviewer skills. She's ... uh ... not great, Bob!

Rosa understands how difficult it is to do the backstage interviewer job and is nervous to talk to Mark Carrano about potentially transitioning into that role while she's pregnant.

Nikki introduces us into an extended look at how WWE tapes backstage segments, which is the first time they've really gotten into that on the show. We get another look at the segment where Team PCB pisses off Nikki, so she throws a cake on the rest of Team Bella.

Then we get Brie and Foxy walking around backstage with cake all over them, just so they can run into some of the other ladies who half-ass their way through a round of "OHHH WHAT HAPPENNNNNNED"

cake

One of the most forced Total Divas moments? Maybe! Good job, everyone!

Rosa finally meets with Carrano and pitches her idea for becoming an interviewer. ICE COLD MARK CARRANO is like "I love you, but I know your talents and that's a terrible idea." He also thinks it would be dangerous somehow?

carrano

Nice.

Elsewhere, Paige gets a text from Kevin that says she's cold blooded and the worst girlfriend ever. I'll bet! Later, at Foxy's house, Paige is just wallowing on the couch in self-pity. Paige says she got asked to breakfast by a dude, but she has a boyfriend getting in the way. Bummer. Meanwhile, Foxy is smitten by her current manly dude.

Bryan's niece(?) has made him an amazadorable shirt. They've made one for Brie, too, who they apparently call "Uncle Brie." (!!!)

uncle bri

Brie still hasn't gotten Bryan a gift and he pokes gentle fun at her for how un-romantic she is.

Backstage, Nikki suggests that Rosa pitch the role of "social media correspondent" to Carrano. Rosa thinks this is a GREAT idea and won't necessarily put her and her pregnancy brain in the line of fire.

Later, Foxy and even ICE COLD MARK CARRANO are giving Nattie shit about not changing her last name. These people are the worrrrssssttttt. Paige comes up with the idea of having TJ change HIS last name to Neidhart. YEAH PAIGE THIS IS THE BEST IDEA YOU'VE EVER HAD. Nattie is like HEY YEAH. Hell yes I really hope this works out.

TITUS O'NEIL REAPPEARS. PRAISE THE LORD.

titus

They ask him about TJ changing his last name. Titus is like "well they ALREADY call him 'Nattie's husband'" YASSSS QUEEN.

Oh hey, it's Night of Campions already. Nattie and Renee sing the Bellas theme song backstage and I suddenly have PTSD flashbacks to that time the Bellas both tried to record their own versions of their theme songs. [shudder]

Nikki of course loses her title to Charlotte and says now that her historic run is over, it's time to focus on taking care of her body.

At dinner with her parents, Nattie broaches the subject of TJ changing his last name. He says "I refuse." That went well!

i refuse

Paige and Kevin are hanging out while they're both back home. Things are massively awkward due to their argument and her staying away "and the whole engagement thing." They're just sort of driving around in silence. Just like real life!

Brie and Nikki go shopping for a gift for Bryan, but she's having trouble. Nikki says she's going to set up a whole romantic date for Brie and Bryan, so they can experience romance "Nikki style." Holy lord, this is going to be a train wreck. A glorious train wreck.

On their way home from lunch, Nattie is like "If you're upset about changing your last name, why should I change MY last name?" YAASSSSS QUEEEEEENNNN. Nattie says, "The world is changing, what's the big deal?" And TJ says, "My balls would be in your purse." BOOOOOOOOOOOOO TJ. He says he would love for her to take his last name. And OF COURSE she appears to soften at this.

Brie lets Bryan know that she's taking him on a hot, fancy date, even though neither of them know what the date will be. Things start off by being picked up IN A STRETCH ESCALADE. He correctly asks, "Don't you think this is a little gaudy?"

He asks what their neighbors must think, since they normally drive an electric car.

They go out to a fancy restaurant. Brie says Nikki and John do this every week. Bryan asks whether John tucks a cloth napkin into his dress shirt like he does.

bib

Brie is worried that maybe she's unromantic. I think somebody's about to learn a valuable lesson that romance comes in many different forms!

Backstage, Rosa meets with the VP of digital video and pitches her idea of becoming a social media correspondent. He thinks it's a great idea! Good job, Nikki! Or Rosa or whoever. She runs into Big Show and he jokes with her that looking pregnant is HIS gimmick.

pregnant

Show, you're great.

Nattie is getting ready for her big return match against Paige. You remember that one, right? It had the great "Oh, you DO still work here" backstage bit with Paige beforehand. We get some good behind-the-scenes stuff there as they film that and then Nattie preps for her match.

Nattie has her big return match against Foxy and loves being back in front of the crowd. She tells herself, "I'm a Neidhart and I'm damn proud of it."

Elsewhere backstage, Rosa is doing her first backstage interview. With Heath Slater! She's nervous and keeps flubbing her lines. The digital producer, Dustin, is trying to coach her but the stage manager hurries them along, saying they need the set. She finally nails it and of course Slater KILLS it.

Everything went off perfectly! Whew.

Foxy and Paige are leaving the arena with some flowers they stole from catering.

stolen flowers

Paige says she doesn't want to go home because she doesn't want to deal with Kevin. She also says her mother is coming into town. (!!!!!!!!) She contemplates asking Kevin to leave for a few days until her mother is gone. Oh, Paige. She's like "I don't want to break up, I just don't want to deal with anything right now. I'll bet! Foxy responds appropriately.

flowers

Paige promises Foxy she'll try to make it work out.

At Nattie's house, she's come up with a wonderful addition to their place:

doormat

She's going to hyphenate her name, "Just like Kim Kardashian-West." She says TJ can be her little Kanye. He seems pleased.

pleased

A good compromise, I guess, but not as good as your dude taking your name.

At Bryan and Brie's, Brie says she's gotten Bryan a surprise. I HOPE IT'S A SECOND COMPOSTING TOILET.

HOLY SHIT SHE GOT HIM A TESLA.

tesla

Oh okay, she only rented a Tesla. BUT STILL THAT'S AWESOME. Look at Bryan's face light up!

bryan reaction

Brie truly does understand her husband ... and romance. They go to a park and Brie gives him another gift ... a little koala, because that's his pet name for her.

koala

Gotta love these two.

The teaser at the end says "This season on Total Divas," so this might be the midseason finale?

PLEASE NO. I can't take a week away from this glorious show, you monsters.

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