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'Total Divas' recap: Rocky Road to Recovery

Nikki starts her rehab and Nattie tries to organize a family photo. Meanwhile, Rosa's man is acting hell of shady.

We start out at Nattie's parents house in Tampa, where Nattie is giving her mom a makeover. IT LOOKS GREAT.

hi tiger

After some spritzing and powder for Jim Neidhart, Nattie and her mom take a selfie (after a solid 20 seconds of attempting to pose for said selfie.)

And now we're in Los Angeles for Hell in a Cell! It's Nikki's Divas Championship rematch against new champ Charlotte. Rosa in particular is pretty entertained by Charlotte's bloody nose during the match.


Nikki loses the match, but views it as a passing of the torch.

nikki run

That was sadder than I expected it to be!

Nattie, Rosa and Mandy go out to lunch and Nattie is just out here ripping the hanger straps off her shirt. By the way, it's cool how everyone is super cool with Mandy now and doesn't care at all about her being there to "take spots" or "not earning" anything or "being friends with Eva."

Rosa is sad because Bobby is leaving her for a while to go to Vegas. Nattie is likewise concerned about Rosa because she's "fragile." Hey, Nattie? Shut your jerk mouth.

The Neidharts (and TJ) are looking through some old photos. Jim shows her a picture of him in 1973 with some Russians.


He was apparently the No. 1 junior in the world at shot put and the Russian coaches were trying to get him to "mate" with their women athletes.


Yeah, pretty much. Nattie begins lamenting that they don't have a current family photo. So she's going to organize one!


Rosa and Bobby are driving together before he leaves for his Vegas trip. She makes it clear she doesn't like him going off on trips by himself without really letting her know what's going on.

Nikki is talking to Mandy backstage and she says she just had an MRI. Just then, Mark Carrano comes by and they all look at her MRI together! The doctor shows that there's a bulge on her spine.


He says this MIGHT be related to her problem. GEE YOU THINK??? The doctor isn't recommending surgery YET, but he's taking her out of active in-ring action and starting her on physical therapy immediately. She does to her first physical therapy session with her mom and gets an inflatable traction neck brace that she's supposed to start using regularly.

Back at Nattie and TJ's house, the Neidharts are prepping for their family photo, complete with feather boas, shirts for cats and ... children's skeleton gloves.

This is the weirdest-ass family and I love it.

Nikki and her mom are driving around in what I must assume is one of John Cena's Bentleys. Nikki is concerned about her rehab and is jealous of John, because of his superhuman ability for recovery and rehab. That must be frustrating as hell. Like, imagine if you were dating Wolverine, but you had a broken leg. You'd just be sitting there, staring at Wolverine, like, "Oh, you bastard."

What happens next is ONE OF THE GREATEST CONVERSATIONS IN TOTAL DIVAS HISTORY, as Nikki's mom starts talking about alligators and asks if an alligator can sit on its tail. This causes Nikki to ponder the question deeply.

alligator conversation

They then talk about alligators for like 90 seconds and it's just glorious, glorious stuff. Like, "worth watching this episode for" stuff.

Mandy and Rosa go to the beach with a couple of ... guy friends, I guess? Oh, they're Mandy's brothers. Weird. Rosa decides to stalk Instagram to see what Bobby's Vegas business trip is looking like. Surprise: it's not looking much like a business trip at all! She tries calling him and yep: no answer. She's pissed!

Man, dig this guy's shoulder tattoo of a crying lady:


John, Nikki's mom and Nikki head to Hard Nocks South to start NIkki's injury recovery. Their trainer sets some rules for recovery, like just three glasses of red wine a week. Nikki tries to bargain whether she can have three glasses in one night. The trainer says no. She cannot. John gives her some good crap about it.

cena face

And her mom does some heavy lifting.

heavy lifting

Mandy and her brothers go to hang out with Rosa, who is still preoccupied with Bobby's non-business trip. Rosa finally gets ahold of him on the phone while they're all in her car and things are awkwarrrrrdddd.

The group goes out for some dinner and Rosa wonders whether she should call Bobby again. Mandy tells her not to worry about it. Rosa starts talking about how she's been in some really terrible and abusive relationships in the past, which resulted in her having to go into recovery. She can't bear the thought of Bobby cheating on her. Yeah, these are some really valid concerns. Hang in there, Rosa!

At Nattie's, it's the day of the family photo. TJ is ready!


I'm actually really loving these Hart Foundation colored getups. Nattie's sister starts handing people glasses of wine and Nattie obviously gets really pissed off about it.

Finally, all humans and cat are assembled for the big photo shoot!

family photo


Jenny drops a wine glass during the photo shoot and Nattie flies off the handle because no one is taking this seriously. She takes off her pink shirt and storms out. TJ and a cool black cat help cheer Nattie up the next day.

black cat

He points out that everyone was able to have a good time, even though they've all gone through some hard times recently. She manages to realize that family togetherness is more important than being perfect. [moving piano music]

Nikki, her mom and John go out for dinner. John reminds her that she only gets one glass of wine and that she shouldn't chug it. The waiter gives her an extra-giant pour. John reacts like this:

cena react

He gives her crap about it and she says she'll start on Monday, so he gives her MORE crap about it. She isn't very pleased.


John toasts: "Here's to the start of a taxing new adventure."

Back at Rosa's, Bobby returns, complete with flowers.


He says he's had a crazy trip and she says she thought he was mad on the phone. He says he's confused about her trying to make him jealous with Mandy's brothers and says she misunderstood his Instagram whatnots. He's acting really evasive and she tells him she needs to know what he's being such a weirdo. I BET HE'S ABOUT TO PROPOOOOSE.

Yep, sure enough, he says he went to Vegas to look at rings for her. Because they only have rings in Vegas, I guess? She's overcome by this revelation.


She says she was so upset because there's things she hasn't told him about yet that have happened to her. He says it doesn't matter as long as they're together. Hey, you're all right, Bobby!

She points out that between her and the baby and their two dogs, he's surrounded by women all the time. He says maybe they should get a male bird. That makes them both wonder whether birds have penises.



The Cena/Bella party returns home and Cena is still harping on Nikki about her recovery regimen, telling her she should get her neck brace on. Nikki says she doesn't need him to act like her dad right now. So he goes to bed. I get not wanting someone to act controlling, but maybe TAKE SOME RECOVERY TIPS FROM WOLVERINE ONCE IN A WHILE, HOMIE.

In short order, Nikki realizes she DID ask him to be her recovery coach and now she's being a brat. So she goes and apologizes to him. He says he would rather be her lover than her coach. Gross, dude, don't say "lover."

They agree to just be lovers. (Gross, stop saying "lovers.") She asks if he wants to come pump her balls.

pump my balls

Nice, Nikki.

Next week: Paige helps a friend come out. THAT SHOULD BE AWESOME.

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