Fixing WrestleMania In Three Words: Ambrose Pipe Bomb

Whilst not without its charms, Fastlane was a like a shitty M. Night horror film. We kinda suspected who was gonna be behind it all along, but were still disappointed when it happened.

Whether it be marks, smarks, bookies or Vince McMahon himself, just about everyone suspected that Reigns was going to WrestleMania as the top dog once again.

So now we have Triple H vs Roman Reigns as the main event for the biggest WrestleMania of all time.

It's played out. It's so-so. It's, frankly, boring.

Of course it will take more to "fix" WrestleMania in the span of Three Words - but for the purposes of clickbait, three words will suffice for now:

Ambrose Pipe Bomb.

We know WWE loves to recreate successful storylines and characters. We can see them trying to jam a square peg into a round hole almost on a weekly basis (they've tried to make Roman the next generation of basically everyone half successful in the Attitude Era and beyond).

But if WWE want to flick through their playbook of reliving the old but in a more successful crowd-friendly manner, then they have a story, a performer and an ethos right there in front of them.

And that's Dean Fucking Ambrose. Delivering a CM Punk-esque Pipe Bomb.


The scenario is thus:

It's Raw. Roman Reigns is, of course, put in the main event against... I dunno... Mark Henry? Kane? It really doesn't matter.

The match has gone on for ten minutes and then Dean Ambrose - wearing a CM Punk t-shirt - comes out and sends Roman through a table, leaving him crumpled and prone in the ring.

Dean grabs a microphone, heads up on the ramp, sits down cross-legged, and cuts the following promo:

"Roman, brother... I hope you're sitting there as... comfortably as you possibly can be because I've got... A LOT of things I need to get off my chest.

"I don't hate you, Roman. I LOVE you. I love you more than a lot than the people in the back. We ride together NOT just because of some Network special; we call each other brothers NOT just because of some concocted storyline. We rose up together. You wear The Shield on your chest, well I still wear it in my HEART. You're my BROTHER. We have bled, sweat, and toiled in this arena, in Mexico, in Ohio, in New Jersey... WE HAVE BEEN EVERYWHERE TOGETHER.

"So I want, no, I NEED you to know, from now and until forever, you are my brother, and I don't hate you Roman.

"I hate this idea, that you're the top guy.

"Because you're not. I'M the top guy.

"There's one thing you're better at being the top guy than I am, and that's being Vince McMahon's play thing. His favourite.

"You're as good at being Vince's favourite as John Cena was! But you're not quite as good as your so-called cousin Dwayne, though. He's still allowed to come back, go off script, and cut backward 90s sexist promos like time never existed.

"I've been the top guy since day one when I first came into this company. And I've been vilified and put down as the lunatic, the Ambrose asylum, the unhinged. Why? Because I CARED? Because I'm not the right size? While you were spitting suffering succotash spoonfed lines on your way to the top, I was wrestling 20 minute matches with Kevin Steen.

"Ooooops! I'm breaking the fourth wall. Hey, Claudio Castagnoli, how you doing?

"I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's just dawned on me -- they're just that: completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and that day in and day out for almost four years I come out and proven I am the best, on this microphone, in that ring, even on commentary... NOBODY CAN TOUCH ME. I spent 40 minutes in that Rumble, Roman, I wrestled two matches and was the second last guy whilst you took a nap for half the show. And you want to tell me YOU deserve to get the shot at the title?

"No matter how many times I prove it, I'm not being taken seriously. I'm always built up as the best friend's best friend, the guy to come up short every time.

"But while you have been pushed, and pushed, and pushed, I have been pushed too far. I am a fighter. I am a wrestler. I always have been.

"WWE is a public listed company? Well it's time to start giving the public what it wants.

"I don't want to be inserted into the main event. Like everything I've had to do in life, I want to fight for it.

"Put me in a match against Brock Lesnar. Whoever wins, goes on to face you and Triple H in the main event at WrestleMania.

"Unless of course, neither of you has the balls for a REAL fight."

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