Total Divas Recap: Big E Is Looking At Your Curves

After last week's incredible episode, Total Divas returns to our lives. Let's see how they did, shall we?

Lights! Camera! Naomi!

Naomi, Miz and Maryse are in Vancouver to film The Marine 5. Naomi is still incredibly nervous about her first big role and riding a motorcycle.

Heath Slater, Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel are there? Heath and Curtis hang out in Naomi's trailer and try to give her a pep talk. I'm watching this show with my dad and he remarks "why are these dudes so skinny?"

Heath: "Look at it this way -- you're in a biker gang. You're like a tough chick! I know this is far from what you really are!"

Naomi: "Hey! It's actually very close to what I really am!"

He jokingly steals her phone and goes to run out of the trailer.

Naomi: "Hey, Jon just sent me some nudes you better give that back!"

Heath: "I'ma look at that what's your passcode!"

Maryse drops by and laughs at Naomi's notes and motivational reminders peppered around the trailer. Naomi confesses how scared she is. Maryse says they have the day off tomorrow so let's forget about work. Naomi is unsure, because she has never hung out with Maryse and she wants to spend the day off to cram in some more preparation.

They go do aerial yoga which is cool as hell looking. Naomi is still not into this because she's nervous about the movie, and Maryse comes back with "You're not the only one working on this movie, I'm freaked out too! I just wanna do this so we can have fun and not be stuck in hotel rooms, I know what I have to do. You, you know what you have to do, this is to have fun and chill out!"

They do flippy shit off the trapeze.

Naomi: "I'll think about that moment whenever I'm scared."

Maryse is smug and knows that this experience showed Naomi she can kill the movie role.

One of Maryse's Marine 5 scenes involves a fake leg that is gushing blood. Naomi rocks the hell out of riding the motorcycle, overcoming her fear, and admits she feels powerful.

Are You Smarter Than A Bella?

Brie and Nikki are squabbling about whose dog is smarter, and Bryan suggests that it would be interesting to have them take a doggy IQ test. Of course, a test exists and it can be found on zee Google. The first question is to drape a towel/blanket over your dog and see if your dog can free itself within 15 seconds. Josie (Owner: Brie and Bryan) shakes off the towel quickly and Nikki points out that the towel didn't cover her fully. So they cover Josie again and she overcomes again! Josie is the canine version of Roman Reigns, overcoming all these odds.

Nikki is still adamant they are not fully draping the towel therefore it's unfair but all eyes are now on Winston (Owner: Nikki). Winston does not shake off the towel within 15 seconds. Brie tries to move on to the second question but Nikki snaps "No, Winston's honestly done, I'm not doing this" and stalks off.

A Curious Caitlyn served up this test for the integrity of this recap. My dog is super cute and the smartest ever so we tried it. She happily stood there with the towel over her, wagging her tail, not even the littlest bit bothered, so this test is stupid as hell and we're all over it. Smh @ science.

The IQ test for dogs has planted seeds in their brains and Bryan comments that neither Brie nor Nikki are brave enough to take an IQ test for humans. Of course, this stirs Nikki's competitive nature and Brie seizes the chance to just fire her sister up and get her going.

Oh yes, Bella IQ tests happen on this episode and you need to keep reading to get to their scores. Mwahaha!

That Time I Missed My Chance to Line Dance With Renee, Lana & Rusev:

I live in Baltimore.

I am a Total Divas superfan.

On this episode of Total Divas, there is a scene of Renee, Lana and Rusev out at a Baltimore bar.

Whyyyyyyyy, Caitlyn, why. Where were you? Total Divas fan total fail.

They line dance and Rusev joins in. Rusev does the live dancing omg. Rusev declares that line dancing is better in Nashville (where they live), and Lana adds that Rusev loves country music. Lana's imagination is sparked that they should have a Nashville themed invitations for both their Bulgaria & Malibu weddings.

Lana: "We can put you in some overalls, me in some Daisy Dukes."

Renee: "I don't think that you can get overalls in his size."

Rusev: "I'm going to have the Daisy Dukes."

Renee: "Those quads...!"

Rusev: "Do you see my quads?"

Lana: "He is obsessed with his legs."

Gotta love a man who knows he's got it. Rusev barters that if he agrees, he wants control over the photoshoot.

A few days later, backstage at Smackdown, Lana is still mulling over the Nashville themed invites. Renee doesn't get what Nashville has to do with anything.

Renee says in her interview Lana is caught up in themes and should just focus on the theme of getting married.

Helping Out The Harts

Nattie exclaims how excited she is to be at the forefront of the women's division and to take the ball and run with it. They air her match that I was live in person for in Baltimore. Despite how it looks on this show, Nattie's match was filmed and aired on Main Event. What exclusive knowledge you're getting in this here recap.

Nattie's sister Jenni is having a hard time trying to figure out her next move and feeling confident, coupled with serious anxiety, so things aren't going well for her.

Jenni snoops on text messages from Nattie and her mama where they are expressing concern over Jenni. Little sis freaks out and Nattie's mom calls Nattie, who is arriving at a live event, in a panic. Cesaro sees Nattie is upset and the Swiss Superman swoops in and embraces Nattie with a hug and some nice words.

Cesaro: "So here's the thing, you can't fix it. You have to come to grasp with that. She's old enough to make her own decisions."

Nattie knows she has to let it go and can't do everything for everyone, but she loves her sister and wants to help her.

Cooking is apparently one of Jenni's passions, so Nattie brainstorms that her sissy will host a cooking class to boost her confidence and make use of Nattie's beautiful kitchen. Jenni rightfully points out that it wouldn't be smart for Nattie to advertise her address. Nattie still thinks it's a good idea and presses on with "Delectable Divas."

Nattie goes to Titus O'Neil and asks him to attend the class because she knows he lives close by to help her sister get her confidence back and feel important. Titus asks about payment for his time. Keeping that Titus Brand strong! Nattie huffs in the talking head interview that Titus always tells her don't hesitate to "holler" if she ever needed anything and he'd be there, but now that she's "hollering", he's asking for money. She tries to recruit Dolph Ziggler to attend, but he is not interested when it's not sexual related.

Even after payment, Titus says he needs to check his kids practice schedule to see if he can attend. Dad of the Year after all.

The day of the cooking class dawns, and Big E, Fandango (damn he's hot, no really, he was commenting on how hot it was) and Nattie's contractor are some of the folks in attendance. Titus's kids must have not had practice because they are also in attendance. Yes, Big E rocks a pink apron that says DD on the front.

Class kicks off like this...

Nattie: "Okay, so Jenni where do you want them to filter out?"

Jenni: "Everybody just go into your groups."

Titus: "You didn't put us in no groups, Jen."

Jenni suggests Big E, Titus and Titus's kids rope off into a group and Titus immediately jokingly chides her for making it about race.

Never invite Titus anywhere is what I'm taking from this.

The group will be making smoked aubergine tartlet and Jenni advises them to all grab aubergine.

Big E: "I don't even know what an aubergine is."


The class is going well and Nattie notes she can tell Jenni is feeling really good. The food looks bomb.

Jenni thanks everyone for attending, and some stupid idiot pipes up asking if they do this every week, will they still get paid or was it a one-time deal? Big E dryly comments "I thought we were keeping that to ourselves." Jenni is crestfallen to hear this and promptly hustles everyone out the door. Nattie admits that everyone in attendance banked $250 to come to the cooking class. Nattie doesn't know why Jenni is upset and embarrassed.

Down On The Farm

Rusev in overalls (no shirt) and straw hat.

Lana dressed as a cowgirl in Daisy Dukes.

That's all.

No, okay, that's not all. I can't possibly deprive you. They are taking photos for their invites. The theme is "The Nashvillians are inviting you to the Buglarian and Malibu wedding"

Rusev: "If I get farmers tan and embarrass myself on Monday Night Raw I'm going to blame you."

Rusev asks the photographer if they can get the right bicep in, because that is the good one.

Lana says people may mock her ideas but she has visions and they always turn out iconic.

Rusev: "You guys can take some single shots and I can go rest."

Lana: "I'm not marrying myself."

Rusev: "When is lunch break?"

Back home a few days later, Rusev tells Lana he has a present for her in the office. Rusev apparently gives her presents all the time! It's a framed photo from their photoshoot.

Lana: "Oh my gosh!! This is so cute! Are you kidding me?"

Rusev: "It's very expensive!"

Lana: "You're so sweet!"

Rusev: "Oh em geeeeeeeeee!"


Bella IQ Results

Brie, Bryan and Nikki arrive for the Bella Twins IQ showdown at a psychologist's office. Nikki goes in first, and Brie confesses that initially she was trying to get under Nikki's skin but now as she waits for her test, she badly wants to beat Nikki and doesn't want Nikki to hold it over her head if she wins. Bryan suggests they do some meditative breathing, but Brie starts yawning in the middle of it.

Bryan: "Did you give up on meditating already?"

The test is apparently this psychologist asking you questions and you answer them. No paper/pencil? Hell no. That sounds like a nightmare. I would never take this test. Let alone on freaking camera. Nikki is fearless indeed.

After Nikki is done, Brie goes in to take the test. And a Curious Bryan is curious.

Bryan: "So how was that?"

Nikki: "She was like ‘who is Sacagawea?' and I was like 'a native American that lead something', she was like 'can you elaborate', and I was like 'no I can't think but I know he lead something', so I think I got it halfway..."

Bryan (interrupts): "Did you say ‘he?'

Brie said Teddy Roosevelt was the president during the Civil War.

Nikki and Bella have decided to not open their IQ results because it would ruin their lives. Brie trashes them then when Bryan & Nikki are taking the dogs out, Brie stealthily goes to open them. Nikki tells Bryan.

Results are in...

Brie's score: 99, 40th percentile

Nikki's score: 113, 70th percentile


Nikki: "Bryan, you have a low average wifey."

Bryan (to Brie): "I still love you!"

Nikki: "You're the younger twin, you lost so much oxygen. At least you survived. Can I have my results? I want to give to John."

Back at the House of Hart...

Nattie apologizes for overwhelming her sister and acknowledges that she hired people so that Jenni felt she was reaching her potential and a success. Jenni cries about feeling like a misfit and that she's nothing without Nattie. Nattie notes she has the smell of alcohol on her breath and Jenni asks them to stop filming.

The camera crew pulls that move where they stop filming but we get the audio and Nattie says there is a bottle of wine that is gone. End scene. Odd.

Jenni later apologizes for having a meltdown and confesses she dreams about having blow-out fights with Nattie where she lets Nattie down. This makes Nattie feel badly and she reassures her she could never let her down and will stop pressuring her.

Jenni: "So then I have E texting me saying he couldn't keep his eyes off my curves."

I still not have followed 2Pawz on Instagram. Did you watch? Let's chat in the comments about smoked aubergine tartlets and Rusev in overalls. Next week we get the beginning of Paige's neck injury drama. Life is good.

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