Total Divas Recap: The Greatest, Most Machka, Lunatic Episode

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After last week's heavy episode, Total Divas delivers to us the greatest episode of all time.

No, this is not clickbait. I have a Ph.D in reality television from the realest university in the room.

Don't question me.

This Lunatic Runs The Bar

My Renee and Dean adoration is no joke and this episode was bountiful. Mom and Dad have just moved to Las Vegas. They have a huge cactus in the corner. "Who lives in Las Vegas, Nevada?" Renee mocks in her talking head interview; she also goes on to say that they don't have any friends in Vegas so she invited the Bella-Bryans.

As they enter the premises of the (nice) house, Renee welcomes them "take a large step here, Blue [their dog] peed at the front door." Dean struts in and he has his sunglasses on

Dean: "Are you bitches ready to party?"

Brie: "You know Bryan, he's always ready to party."

Brie says one of the downfalls of being a twin is Nikki thinks she's invited everywhere and will be coming. Renee doesn't have a bed made up and says she will run out to the store. Dean tells her, "She likes whiskey, she's goooooood! She's a partying gal!" Renee is unconvinced and has a powwow with Dean at the bar.

Dean: "You are bringing stress and negativity into the bar.." (gesturing to the bar area)

Renee: "I'm not being negative. Aren't you supposed to be able to come to the bar and complain to the bartender?"

Dean: "Everything is perfect here at the bar."


Renee leaves to go to the store and runs into Nikki who is getting dropped off. Nikki makes her way into the Asylum and greets Dean (noting it's been forever since she's seen him), her twin and bro-in-law.

Nikki: "What are you staring at, by the way?

Brie (staring at Nikki's rack): "I'm just making sure there's no nipples popping out."

Dean: "Hey we're talking about MY house here, everything is fine."


The Yes Man, Brie Mode, Fearless One, Lunatic Fringe and Nay Nay head out to an ATV place.

Dean drops "You know, Renee thought we had been to Mars." "We" meaning civilization. Her evidence was the movie The Martian.

To make Renee feel better, Brie drops "Nicole thought Harry Potter was based on a true story." Nikki defends herself by saying she had a great reason for this theory.

Bryan: "There is no great reason to think Harry Potter was based on a true story."

They arrive at the ATV place and Nikki cannot participate because of her neck and Renee chides herself, wondering why she didn't think of this. They take off without her, so Nikki sits at the bar and drinks a beer, takes selfies, and FaceTimes her Mom.

We'll leave them there and move on.

Meet The Parents

Lana and Rusev live in this stately Nashville home and her parents and brother are living with them. Lana's dad has been a pastor for over 35 years and as such, Lana grew up in a spiritual home. Lana's mom offers a blessing for the group before they go out for the day. We should commend Lana's mom for keeping kayfabe alive by calling them Lana and Rusev. They are planning Lana's dream beach wedding in Malibu and head out to go to the wedding dress designer, where Lana wants Rusev's opinions.

Rusev At The Wheel is a speed demon and Lana's mom is chanting for Jesus in the backseat.

Three Rusev facts gleaned from this scene:

1. He hates American weddings because there's no tradition,

2. He is obsessed with his legs, commenting "I should start wearing shorter shorts to show my legs more."

3. He refuses to tell his Bulgarian mother that he's not having a Bulgarian wedding because "I'm not going to be hit by my mother at 31."

A few days later, with his mom's visit looming, Rusev starts pressing the issue about having a Bulgarian wedding because it means a lot to his mom and he likes the traditions. Lana is not sold because Bulgarian weddings go on for three days and she doesn't want Rusev's mom to live vicariously through her. Rusev does not know what vicariously means.

Lana and Rusev are getting ready for his mother. Lana's dad cleans the pool in his suit. Then they plan to remove their stripper pole. Lana notes it is not a Bulgarian tradition to have a stripper pole in the middle of your house. Now people really wish they got to see Rusev and Lana #BehindClosedDoors on Monday Night Raw, yeah? Everyone takes a whirl on the pole.

Lana's dad: I hurt my privates, I got too close to the pole.

The doorbell rings. Rusev's mom has arrived.


Maryse Get Your Gun

Incredibly Famous Hollywood A-Listers The Miz and Maryse are backstage at Smackdown. Maryse's mom, who is staying at their A-List Abode, calls and tells her "There is a man trying to get into your house."

Maryse is shouting in French, The Miz asking if she'll tell him what's wrong.

Miz and Maryse have cameras all over their house so they log on via their phones to watch. Maryse is still on the phone with her mom and she watches as Maryse's mom comes face-to-face (from the inside) with the burglar who is trying all the doors and windows in the backyard. Maryse's mom calls 911. The cops arrive and the burglar has left -€” unsuccessful in his pursuit.

This scene is frightening and I felt my own heart racing. Maryse is understandably shaken up because she's thousands of miles away from the situation.

On a lighter, stupider note, do you think the burglar is a Total Divas fan and is totally embarrassed? Jerk.

A few days later, Miz, Maryse, Maryse's sister and Paige are out to dinner discussing the incident. Maryse is nervous because Miz is leaving to go film a movie (I assume this is still The Marine 5), fretting what she would do if someone tried to break in. The Miz jokes about hitting him with the Skull-Crushing Finale or put him in the Figure Four leglock and making the burglar tap out.

Back at the Rusevs, Slavka, Rusev's mom, has arrived. She is not the mom we met on Monday Night Raw all those months ago, by the way. Lana can understand and follow some Bulgarian. They're having barbecue, and a chef will be coming to prepare the food. Slavka wonders why. Lana answers they are just really busy. They hear something fall over and go to investigate. It is the stripper pole.

Slavka (gestures to stripper pole): What is this?

Rusev: Wall support.

At this backyard barbecue, Rusev puts his bride-to-be on the spot urging her to tell his mama where the wedding will be. Lana gingerly backs into it, saying about how Malibu beach is her dream wedding, so that's where the Bulgarian Brute and his Bride will become one.

Slavka does not buy into it, saying "No way."

At the A-List Abode, Maryse is still wary about sleeping alone at her house with The Miz gone, so Eva sleeps over. Maryse opens the door with a golf club to welcome her guest. To help get Maryse's mind off her fears, the twosome set booby traps for potential burglars, but Eva thinks a more permanent solution is a gun. Maryse notes Miz doesn't want her to have one, but decides there is no harm in going out shooting with Eva, so the two make plans.

At the shooting range, Maryse gets the hang of it fairly quickly.

"Right now I feel empowered and that with this, I could defend myself," she says. But she says that she and Miz should make the decision together.

We're back in Vegas and Renee is making dinner for everybody, noting slyly she's trying to show off. She googles "how to barbecue a whole salmon". She just throws it on the grill alongside a bunch of other food. It is their first time hosting, commenting how hard it is to make friends as an adult and that it's "the worst." Truth, girl.

Oh but then the grill is on fire. Dean helps while Renee mutters ohmigodohmigodohmigodohmigod. Brie says in her interview that it's adorable how Renee wants it be perfect. As Renee hustles back to the kitchen, she runs into Nikki who tells her she felt like she was inconveniencing everyone so she has booked a hotel room. Renee shoots down that she was being inconvenient but understands.

Outside on the patio...

Brie: "You guys have a very warm home."

Dean: "And it's not because of the tiki torch" [everyone laughs] "It's because of the attitude!"

Renee comes back out into the backyard with a new plate of food. She promptly drops this new plate of food.

Dean: "Party foullllllllllllllllllllllllll!"

The next day, a bemused bedhead Dean sips his coffee (? I'm assuming here but I wouldn't be surprised if it was anything else...) while Renee and Brie attempt to hang a tapestry. It is too big. A disappointed Renee notes she can decorate an apartment, but a whole house is hard. She goes on about how nice it was for everyone to hang out, and she wants everyone to feel at home, and she felt really bad about Nikki and the ATV's and how she got a hotel. Brie declares she's too stressed so they're going to do fun, non-stress things. They go to Nikki's hotel where they activate #BrieMode by the pool.

Back in Nashville where Rusev is rocking Lana like a baby. This is a good show. They reverse the roles and Lana attempts to sing "Hush, little baby" (I think). Rusev declares "Now I want some milk."

Next, we see Rusev and Lana's dad on the porch. Rusev has binoculars on, staring at his backyard, at this land he owns. He tosses out the idea about a wedding in Bulgaria to Lana's dad who doesn't entirely reject the idea. Lana huffs that Rusev thinks if he can convince her dad, her dad will convince her.

Lana finds Rusev lying on the bed, and they have a little squabble. Lana throws out that Rusev apparently loves tradition so much, yet he hasn't asked her dad for permission to marry her despite Lana telling him years ago this was important to her. She wonders why she should respect his traditions if he doesn't respect hers.

Rusev answers with "Look how my bicep has evolved."

Lana retorts "I'm happy that you're really obsessed with your biceps, your legs and your body, I'm really happy for you." She slams the door and he yells a parting "I love you."

True love. Machka.

Maryse has swerved us all. She bought the gun. She has a license. She knows Miz will be mad at her but "I'm doing this for myself" telling Eva "it feels amazing to know ‘you' can't walk in, you can't touch me anywhere, you can't assault me."

She Facetimes the Miz, who is shooting his movie. She tells him she got a gun and he replies that he thought they were going to talk about things more. But! He goes on to say he was actually talking to crew members about gun and had decided he was going to tell Maryse they should get one anyway so he ain't mad! A-List couple on the same page.

Back in Nashville, Rusev, Lana and Lana's dad are at a cute restaurant.

Waitress: "Do you guys need plates?"

Rusev: "No we'll share because sharing is caring."

Rusev then busts it out -€” he asks Lana's dad for permission to marry her, "if you don't mind, I want to marry your daughter."

Lana's dad: We'd love it, I think you will be a great husband to her. Welcome to the family

Rusev: Thank you it's good to be here.

Next, both families are playing cards and Lana announces they decided to have two weddings: one in Malibu, one in Bulgaria. Rusev's mom hugs her upon the news.


Happy endings all around.

This is so long but no apologies because this was a fantastic episode.

Two other notables:

1) Paige had recently moved in with del Rio and tells Renee her lactose intolerance was presenting an issue because she won't poop in the house. Renee asks "isn't there like four bathrooms?" Paige notes that Alberto "walks around a lot" so she just uses a ton of incense. No poop for the Papi.

2) There is a Dark Emma sighting. She had a match with Nattie. While we wait on Emmalina, I thought this was nice.

Grade: A+++++

Did Dean Ambrose Appear: YES HE DID.

Did I Follow 2Pawz on Instagram Yet: No.

Is Renee Young My BFF yet: No.

Let's chat in the comments and marinate over my idea of cSs road trip to hang out in Vegas with Dean & Renee.

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