Actually, you know what? Doing a short profile for 20 people will take this to well over a thousand words before I get to the next section. So let's start over.
This Sunday at Survivor Series—tomorrow night, pretty much as you're reading this—for just the third time in history, there will be a five teams versus five teams elimination match. The last time this was done was in...
1988. The above video is from the first time a year prior. If you're curious, the ten teams in that 1988 match were the Powers of Pain, the Rockers, the British Bulldogs, the Hart Foundation, the Young Stallions, Demolition, the Brainbusters, the Bolsheviks, the Fabulous Rougeaus, and the Conquistadors.
Wait, the Conquistadors were around in the late 80s? The more you know, right?
Anyways, to make this easy and relateable for everyone, I will compare the ten teams competing in the 2016 Survivor Series 20-maner with their 1988 counterparts.
Monday Night RAW:
- The New Day are clearly Demolition. They're not bruisers, nor the second coming of the Legion of Doom, but they are a trio. They have a catchy theme, and they just happen to be the WWE World Tag Team Champions and have been for the last 15 months. As of this writing, they're less than a month away from breaking Demolition's record. If you're wondering, December 15 will be day 480, or one more than Demolition's reign at the top of the tag division.
- Enzo and Cass are The Rockers. And I see you're rolling your eyes. But here's my explanation: they're crowd favorites and are clearly over enough to be the tag team champions, but they'll probably never win them—just like the Rockers.
- Sheamus and Cesaro are the Fabulous Rougeaus. They're not from America, but they love America more than you do. Plus they're both former WWE United States Champions. And one of them—Cesaro, probably—has a future in broadcasting.
- Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson are the Brainbusters. Now just hear me out. The Brainbusters, like Anderson and Gallows, used to run with a bigger and more famous pack. The Brainbusters were a part of the Four Horsemen; Anderson and Gallows were a part of Bullet Club. Though the Brainbusters had (and Anderson and Gallows still might) moderate success, their most significant moments came elsewhere.
- The Shining Stars are the Conquistadors. Because they can speak Spanish. And they're only there to fill a spot.
- Heath Slater & Rhyno are the Young Stallions. I know, you're thinking I'm crazy again. But walk with me: like the Young Stallions, Heath Slater and Rhyno were probably meant to be a one-shot deal. But then a funny thing happened: people liked them. And they started winning. And the powers that be decided, ya know what? Let's run with it.
- The Hype Bros are the Powers of Pain. Two people that once you put them together, you realized they were meant for each other. Different kinds of bros, but bros all the same.
- American Alpha are the Hart Foundation. A potential to not only be an all-time great tag team, but maybe—just maybe—two all-time singles careers.
- The Usos are the British Bulldogs. They have family in the business, they have super hard heads, and, like it or not, one of the most successful tag teams of this decade. Like the Bulldogs, they're often left out of the conversation in terms of greatest teams ever.
- Breezango or FaBreeze are the Bolsheviks. They're there to fill a spot and are probably useless.
Like the 1987 and 1988 matches, eliminations will occur in pairs, meaning when one member of a team goes out, they both go out. Translation: it's gonna be a lotta clutter in the first few minutes. Which brand will reign supreme? Who will survive? Will they all be able to fit on the apron at the same time without blocking the view of the front rows? WILL THE RING BREAK?
Find out this Sunday beginning at 6pm ET.
Oh, and I'm picking Smackdown over RAW 10-8, with American Alpha beating New Day to win.
Your turn, and tell me if I nailed it on the comparisons.