WWE Royal Rumble 2016 Kickoff Show full match preview

Kickoff Match for entry into the Royal Rumble

The Ascension vs Mark Henry & Jack Swagger vs. Darren Young & Damien Sandow vs. The Dudleyz

I'm breaking format again.

Eight men, all of whom fought on Superstars since the last PPV (that was TLC if you don't remember...or choose not to remember)...

What do you mean what's Superstars? Superstars is like the D-show. You know like back in the day, it was RAW and Smackdown and Sunday Night Heat? Basically the D-show is whatever syndicated program you got in your area in the late 1990s and early 2000s. For some of you, it was Jakked. Others got Metal. I think they were the same show. I dunno; my area got Jakked.

Also Superstars was the WWF's syndie show in the 80s and 90s. Also, the name of a long-running sports competition show thing. It was a big deal in the 70s.

As I was saying, eight men who are basically most of the Superstars roster these days-including a 23-time... hang on, I should check this.

/five minutes later

23-time time world tag team champions, will fight for the right to be eliminated by Roman Reigns or Brock Lesnar. Or Triple H should he probably enter the Rumble at #30. Maybe Bray Wyatt. But at least one member of the winning team will be eliminated by one of these four men. I mean, nobody thinks any of these eight men have a chance in the Rumble, right? Basically this match is a way to get eight people on the show, only two of which will see actual PPV money. I mean, if they still do PPV bonuses.

Wait... they broke up the Prime Time Players again? And they teamed Mark Henry with Jack Swagger? And the Ascension is still a thing? How much WWE did I miss in the last five months? (Answer: ALL OF IT.) But here's a little DYK: If the Dudley Boyz win, D-Von will enter the Rumble match for the first time ever. EVER.

EVER.

No, I'm serious. Also, Bubba Ray's first Royal Rumble match? Last year. For realsies. And he did a Dudley Death Drop with R-Truth. R-Truth.

R-Truth, everyone. (BTW: Just had a birthday a few days ago, and this video of his birthday celebration is awesome and you should all watch it right now.)

Hopefully they'll rectify this. Dudley Death Drop everyone in the Rumble.

WHO WINS?

The Dudley Boyz. I mean, in a perfect world, it's the Dudleys, right?

WINNER

Watch it be Henry and Swagger because fuck you. I mean, this company had the Ascension go over Tyson Kidd and Cesaro on a preshow once. (EDIT: It was Stardust and the Ascension over Neville and the Lucha Dragons at Night of Champions. It was one of those preshows I was thinking.)

Chances are by 7pm Sunday, you'll have your mind made up already on whether you want to watch the Royal Rumble. Even if you're still on the fence, you might as well be on the fence with the best wrestling community in the galaxy. Or you can watch Cam Newton dab on them folks. I mean, your call.