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WHO?
Kevin Steen, aka Kevin Owens. 6'0", 266 pounds from Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, Quebec, Canada (population 92,394 as of 2011), though he is billed from Marieville, Quebec, Canada, which is like a half hour away. Prizefighter. Married with children. Once considered one of the best independent wrestlers in the world, having won championships in Ring of Honor, Pro Wrestling Guerrilla, and Combat Zone Wrestling. The sixth NXT Champion. Family man. Once teamed with El Generico, but fell out badly. Once called Sami Zayn his BFF, but that ended badly. Once feuded with John Cena, and that too ended badly. Also once led a stable known as SCUM. Got interested in wrestling after watching Wrestlemania XI, perhaps explaining his disposition in some way for some reason. Master etherer. Has a son who once beat some guy named Excalibur in a match because if you come at his family, he will throw hands. Possibly being called fat by the higher-ups, though he has agility that would make cruiserweights jealous. Family man. Grabber of brass rings.
Claudio Castignoli, aka Antonio Cesaro, aka Cesaro. 6'5", 232 pounds from Lucerne, Switzerland (population 80,501 as of 2013). Once wrestled as Mysterious Familiar Ice Cream. And Very Mysterious Ice Cream. In a past life, one half of the Kings of Wrestling with Chris Hero. Could be one half of the Kings of Wrestling in this life had Hero not been released for being lax with his body. Was one half of the ROH world tag team champions for a year. Also held tag titles in CZW, JCW, Chikara, and IPW:UK. And WWE. Also was a United States Champion once, but the belt didn't matter much when he won it, so it doesn't really count (sorry, you know this to be true). Doesn't connect, delivers. But connects too. Especially with his European uppercut. In fact, like forty percent of his offense is that European uppercut. Crazy strong. Has whole sections of fans. Speaks five languages. Once dated Sara Del Rey. Grabber of brass rings.
WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING?
Basically both men wanted to be United States Champion, but they both ruined it for the other guy.
WHAT'S AT STAKE?
The love and adulation of Internet fans everywhere.
HISTORY
It's pretty much over a championship that neither man will have their hands on in the foreseeable future. Back in June, Cesaro was perhaps on the doorstep of becoming the WWE United States Champion for a second time. Then this happened.
If anybody was gonna win the United States Championship from John Cena, it was Kevin Owens, and nobody was gonna tell him different. But then Kevin Owens failed. And Cesaro failed. Then they both failed at the same time. Twice. And now, they're fighting for the same space: the toll guy on the bridge from mid-carder to main-eventer.
Right. I suppose you want some more highlight videos and such. So... here ya go.
Oh, something to be pointed out: this will be KO's second match of the weekend. You may have heard... he's got another fight in a couple hours. In fact, it may be happening as you're reading this.
WHO WINS?
I could say the winner will be the fans, as this should be a pretty good match. I could say who I think actually wins. But I'm gonna shock all of you. Or maybe not. It doesn't matter who wins, and here's why. Neither of these men as a result will be any closer to the main event than they are now. The die unfortunately has been cast upon these two. Do they have main event talent? Absolutely. Should they be main eventing? Definitely. But short of a catastrophic accident that puts nearly all of WWE's current main eventers on the shelf, neither of these two will be main eventing any time soon. And that sucks. In essence, it doesn't matter who wins here. Neither man can move up with a win, but one of them will probably drop down in defeat. Maybe I'm being cynical, but you and I have seen this story far too many times. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me 48 times, I don't get fooled again. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
WINNER
But seeing as I must pick a winner... Cesaro. When in doubt, pick the wrestler that's Cena-approved.
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Reconvene with the best wrestling community in the galaxy at 6pm eastern time Sunday for Summerslam... and for that matter, 9pm eastern time tonight for NXT Takeover: No Sleep Til Brooklyn.