This is a little bit of silliness. Besides wrestling, I am also a major fan of various musicals and LOVE the absurdity of the Gilbert and Sullivan Operettas. There is a long tradition of making parodies of some of the "patter songs" featured in the various productions.

One of the most parodied is I Am the Very Model of A Modern Major General from Pirates of Penzance. For example, one of my favorites was on the cartoon Animaniacs, called I am the Very Model of a Cartoon Individual. Another would be the (possibly) more offensive version featured in Dirty Little Showtunes: I am the Very Model of a Modern Homosexual.

So in the tradition of these parodies, I present: I am the Very Model of a Smarky Modern Wrestling Fan. Enjoy, and you may castigate me in the comments.

Verse 1:

I am the very model of a smarky modern wrestling fan,

I’ve information about all the wrestlers who are worth a damn,

I know the matches major, and I quote the champs historical,

From New Japan to NXT, in order categorical,

I’m very well acquainted, too, with the important indy scene,

I understand allegiances, and why Maria is the Queen,

For wrestling shows, you know that I am teeming with a lot of news,

And I’m always quick to go online and make sure that I spread my views.

Chorus 1:

I’m very good at match rating and trolling those who are clueless,

I know the proper names of every single type of move there is,

In short, in matters wrestling, from match type down to who’s "the man,"

I am the very model of a smarky modern wrestling fan.

Verse 2:

I know all of the history, from the carneys down to modern times,

I answer obscure questions, I know all of the best story lines,

I quote in proper order all the sins of E's creative team,

From LOLCENAWINS to Traitorface, through the crappy Diva's scene;

I can tell sweet chin music from a big boot or a superkick,

I know a tope from a suicida, and why each is "SICK!"

Then I can rate a match that I have never ever seen before,

And know why King’s a perv and Michael Cole’s a stupid, major bore.

Chorus 2:

Then I can write a diatribe and post it onto cageside seats,

And tell you every detail of exactly who has backstage heat,

In short, in matters wrestling, from match type down to who’s "the man,"

I am the very model of a smarky modern wrestling fan.

Verse 3:

In fact, when I know what is meant by "push" and "heat" and "change of plan,"

When I can tell at sight a casual viewer from a fellow fan,

When I know Vinnie Ru and James Cornette are now irrelevant,

And why Dave Meltzer is considered wrestling’s giant "elephant;"

When I have learned what progress has been made in different wrestling styles,

When I know more about moves than the stupid commentary guys,

In short, when I know the history now summed up as LOLTNA,

You’ll say a better wrestling smark has never ever graced your day!

Chorus 3:

For my depth and breadth of knowledge, though I’m noisy and quite often smug,

Is only my opinion and not fact, my guy I’m sure to plug.

But still, in matters wrestling, from match type down to who’s "the man,"

I am the very model of a smarky modern wrestling fan.

Read, enjoy, and tear me to pieces in the comments. I look forward to seeing what you think.