FanPost

Your Occasional Reminder Of How Much Worse the WWE Could Be #11: Battleground & Such

WWE.com

After being dead wrong about Kevin Owens' prospects of winning the US title at Summerslam, even I have to say there are some sad feelings about the direction the WWE is going right now. But, with that being said, things could, as always, be worse.

The Best Experiences In Life Are Those That You Don't Expect

Battleground is led off by the feud of the century, Randy Orton vs. Sheamus. Sheamus cuts a pre-match promo. "You know, this fight tonight reminds me of an old Irish folk tale in which a shepherd lost a match due to an RKO". Randy Orton comes out next. He says, (I'll spare you the long version this time), "I, Randall Keith Orton, will win hit an RKO at the 16 minute and 49 second mark of this match and pin Sheamus at the 16 minute and 54 second mark". As soon as the match starts, a countdown clock a la Curtis Axel's royal rumble counter shows up on the Titantron saying "Countdown until Orton hits the RKO". About halfway through the match, Sheamus hits Orton with a Brogue kick. Before pinning Orton he gets a mic and says "This is only going to be a nearfall; the finish to this match is me getting hit with an RKO at the 16 minute 49 second mark". 16 minutes into the match, Sheamus sets up for another Brogue kick, and says "this is the spot where Orton will hit the RKO; I am going to miss with a Brogue kick and he will turn around and hit me with an RKO. Randy, are you ready to hit me with an RKO? HERE GOES!" At 16 minutes and 49 seconds into the match the timer runs down and Orton hits an RKO for the pin.

"RKO OUTTA NOWHERE!!", Michael Cole, shocked, states.

Make More Happen

As an initiative to get us more acquainted and invested with the WWE superstars, WWE launches a new look into what the WWE superstars do to make them who they are. First, they show Bray Wyatt going into Staples and buying a ton of white-out tape and scissors and to party city to buy a new fog machine. The cameras then go to watching him at his home make spooky Roman Reigns photos.

Ring of Hustle. Ring of Loyalty. Ring of Respect.

John Cena brutally beats Kevin Owens for 15 minutes, and then he taps out in a chinlock. Owens begins crying in the ring, saying that WWE is too hard and he can never beat John Cena, so he's going back to Ring of Honor. However, in his Ring of Honor re-debut, John Cena attacks him from behind on the ramp, hitting him with an AA and making him pass out in the STF. John Cena rationalizes his attack by explaining that he saw what wrongs Owens did on RAW, and wanted to make sure the same things didn't happen here.

For good measure, he attacks Jay Lethal from behind and makes him pass out in the STF before leaving.

Subtraction By Subtraction

In losing Ryback to injury, instead of Big Show punching Miz, we get a 15-minute technical wrestling match which showcases Big Show's quickness and submission prowess. Meanwhile, Ryback lies alone in a hospital bed and cuts the following promo.

"I was supposed to have a match with the Miz which reminded me of when my life sucked because I got cut from Tough Enough. But now my life sucks because I can't defend my title. My life may suck like a vacuum but I'm about to eat it like vacuum-sealed ice cream. I hate space food. FEED ME MORE."

It's a New Day

WWE decides that the tag-team division needs some buzz, so they provide an epic swerve in the form of a DOUBLE TURN in the New Day / Prime Time Players match. WWE realized that New Day just needed a little time as heels to connect with audience and screw the fact that Titus is great off a hot tag; it's obvious he is much better suited to controlling the pace of a match through chinlocks and abdominal stretches.

Disappointed in the reaction this got, Los Matadores wins the tag-team titles the next night on RAW.

Promoted but Demoted

Becky Lynch, Sasha Banks, and Charlotte all get called up to the main roster, as the 3-team showdown occurs a la real life. However, things go differently when Tamina goes nuts, mauling everyone in the ring. This sets up an 8-on-1 handicap match at Summerslam, in which LOLTAMINAWINS.

And the Award For Best Walkout Song Goes to Downstait

The WWE WHC match goes all of 10 seconds; Rollins walks in and gets hit with an F5. Lesnar goes for the pin, and then the lights go out...

....

....

....SAY IT TO MY FACE!

Alex Riley makes his long awaited return, hitting the ring and beating down Lesnar. After taking him down and hitting some mounted punches, Lesnar squirms free and begs Riley from his knees to stop. Riley then picks him up and hits him with whatever his finisher is now (let's just say that Fireman's Carry Cutter thing) and Lesnar lays motionless in the ring. Brock Lesnar gets wheeled out on a stretcher.

Riley later goes on Twitter to explain that he "roasted Brock Lesnar and roasted the marks" and that he's settling in with a nice workout to "Limp Biscuit"

Dead Goon

Lesnar comes out the next night on crutches and with his arm in a sling because of the beating Riley put on him. He says that due to it, he will not be able to compete for a few months.

*Gong*

Because he didn't come out at Battleground, Undertaker returns at RAW. He cuts a promo saying that he sees that Brock Lesnar is frail and weak, so this was the perfect time to attack Lesnar and Paul Heyman, since they're defenseless. Undertaker then begins beating on them until the locker room spills out and restrains 'Taker. That is, until the swerve of the century is pulled when KONNOR OF THE ASCENSION ATTACKS UNDERTAKER. The other members of the roster attempt to pull him off but there is no stopping the pent up anger that Konnor has; later Triple H informs us that the blockbuster main event of Summerslam is set.

At Summerslam it will be the Undertaker vs. Konnor IN A PHENOM VS. PHENOM MATCH.


Previous Entries:

#1: A little after Payback (Around the start of June 2014)

#2: June 9th - 16th 2014

#3: June 16th-23rd 2014

#4: June 23rd - 30th 2014 + Money in the Bank

#5: Battleground buildup 2014

#6: Battleground event and fallout 2014

#7: July 28th & August 4th 2014

#8: TLC 2014 PPV and Royal Rumble 2015 Buildup

#9: WWE Payback 2015 PPV and Fallout

#10: WWE Money in the Bank 2015 PPV & Fallout

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.