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'Total Divas' recap: Eat your heart out

It's finally the WrestleMania episode! Oh, and everyone still hates Eva Marie.

When the episode opens up, Eva Marie finally runs into the Bellas and they act civil towards her, which massively confuses Eva Marie. I think she expected a shoot powerbomb or something.

Nikki is still trying to convince Brie to sign her new WWE contract and stick around. Bryan talks about how important it is that he and Brie have a baby, and points out that SOMEONE should really be trying to help John Cena make a John Cena super baby. He suggests that Cena mate with someone who is gorgeous AND smart. Nikki takes offense to this, claiming she IS smart, and earned "higher than a 3.2" GPA in high school. Brie refutes this. "I swear you got a 2.8." In response, Nikki reveals that Brie screwed up her NAME on her SATs. Brie admits that she put her first and last name in the wrong boxes for her. Bryan LOVES ALL OF THIS.

bryan laughing

Nattie hangs out with Alundra Blayze before inducting her into the Hall of Fame. Blayze is tall as hell.

alundra blayze

Nikki is the voice of reason in this Eva Marie tiff, which is pretty wonderful. Brie refuses to drop it because of that whole "Eva Marie calling everyone sheep on Instagram" thing. Why are you being so petty, Brie?

Everyone is tripping out about Eva Marie's hair. As well they should, because it is a wonderland. Look at this follicular bounty:

eva marie hair

Oh whoops, it turns out Nikki wasn't the voice of reason after all, because she uses her sit-down with Eva Marie to tell her that nobody takes her seriously as a wrestler and that she's the worst. "We don't even look at you as a wrestler. At the end of the day, we don't worry about you." In response, Eva Marie tells Nikki that she's not setting an appropriate tone as Divas champion. Good talk, everyone!



punch in the face


Nikki goes to Brie's room to say that Brie was right about everything. Brie says, "I guarantee that in a year, she won't be in the wrestling business." PLACE YOUR BETS NOW.

Nattie's speech for the Hall of Fame has a story about Arn Anderson, but WWE higher-ups tell her she has to remove it. It gives Nattie a chance to drop her catchphrase, "Throw another shrimp on the barbie," which she has been using all season (maybe last season, too) to describe when one problem after another keeps piling up. Look for that shirt soon on the WWE Shopzone.

Paige solves her gown dilemma from last episode by wearing her Doc Martens on the red carpet. She says she's "rebelling against being a 'real woman.'" Hell yeah.


No one backstage is talking to Eva Marie. That doesn't stop her from eating lettuce with her hands, though.

eva marie lettuce

You do you, Eva Marie. Meanwhile, her husband gives her a pump-up talk ... and eats two steaks.

two steaks

Daniel Bryan's speech for Conor the Crusher at the Hall of Fame makes Brie want to have "a million babies" with him. GET IN LINE, SISTER. Nattie, meanwhile, tells the Arn Anderson story in her induction speech anyway ... without incident. Grill up them shrimps gurl.

It's finally time for WrestleMania! Hooray! Plenty of cool backstage stuff here, like the Bellas and Paige checking out the stage and stadium for the first time. Paige is really nervous about her first WrestleMania and the Bellas do a great job of making her feel loved and giving her advice about taking it all in. The Bellas are pretty good friends! ... Unless you're Eva Marie.

Lots more great backstage stuff, like the Usos making Naomi feel nervous right before their match ... and Layla explaining that Nattie's quip during her Hall of Fame speech about "I'm a kitty type of girl" came across not that she likes cats, but that she likes ... uh ... you know. "Vajayjays."


Jimmy Uso's kids (Naomi's stepkids) are ADORABLE.

uso children

Paige bursts into tears after her WrestleMania win. And then gets a hug from Travis Barker! What's that? You want to know about another thing that happened to Paige during WrestleMania? Well, okay.


After everyone gets back home, Bryan and Brie go to their fertility doctor. Brie is apparently fertile AS HELL, but what about D-Bry?

bryan face

Yes, his sperm count is like three times above average. Turns out athletes in peak physical condition are virile. I'll alert the press at once.

Brie realizes that since there are only about two days in each month that someone can get pregnant and Bryan is on the road all the time, she'll stick around in WWE for another three years so they can bang constantly and try to get pregnant. You can't argue with that logic! I mean, she's also high on WrestleMania fumes and doesn't want to give that up, but the banging. The banging is key.

After Mania, Eva Marie signs with a major Hollywood agent from WME. Like, The Rock's agent. A serious agent. THAT certainly won't upset the other Divas!

[preemptively pops popcorn for next week's episode]

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