FanPost

Your Occasional Reminder As to How Much Worse the WWE Could Be: Money in the Bank & Fallout

WWE.com

So not everyone loved Money in the Bank (MiTB) and the past couple RAWs have blown chunks. But, as always, it could be worse:


Follow the Vapors

Bray Wyatt attacks Roman Reigns at Money in the Bank. Reigns no sells it, however, and slaps Wyatt across the face. Wyatt sells death and is taken off on a stretcher. The next night on RAW he faces Damien Sandow (or Mandow, if you insist) for the right to the "Bray Wyatt brand". Unlike his match with the Miz, however, he wins in a squash. The next week on RAW he fulfills his destiny as Damien Wyattdow by losing to John Cena.

As for Wyatt? His only distinct characteristics over the past year have been gaspy promos and constantly being in a smoky room, so WWE creative repackages him as "Husky the asthmatic douchenozzle vape enthusiast" in order to retain those characteristics. His new gimmick is alternating between smoking an e-cigarette and using an inhaler after each sentence of his promos, where he lectures the crowd on vape culture, how he's better than other people because he vapes, and how to get the perfect smoke ring out of your e-cig.

Chessboard

Paige faces Nikki for the title at Money in the Bank, and goes over. Paige gets hit with 5 Rack Attacks but for some reason Paige has the "ring awareness" to roll out of the ring. From underneath the ring, Naomi crawls out, pushing Paige under the ring. She enters the ring and rolls Nikki up for 3.

"TWIN MAGIC! TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY" Michael Cole explains.

Lace Up Above Hate

Kevin Owens gets dominated for 15 minutes against Cena at MiTB, getting no offense in. After getting hit with 6 AAs Owens begs Cena to end the match; Cena then spits on Owens and forces him to pass out in the STF. After the match, Cena offers a handshake to Owens. "You did good, boy".

The next night on RAW, Owens issues an open challenge to anybody for his NXT championship to gain some momentum back. MACHINE GUN KELLY answers the challenge for the title. Kelly gets beat up for 3 minutes; after hitting him with a pop-up powerbomb, Kelly kicks out at 2, then mounts his comeback; he hits Owens with two flying shoulder blocks, ducks an Owens clothesline, and hits him with a spinning powerbomb. He then taunts Owens by waving his hand in front of his face, followed up by a fist-drop with theatrics called the "5 thumb tango". He then hits Owens with a fireman's carry takeover, which he calls the "Approach Alteration", then pins Owens for 3. He then says he's going to lead the championship through an era of "effort, sincerity, and dignity". I hope you're ready to see demon Finn Balor job out to an emaciated rap artist!

Also, all NXT women's characters will be thrown away as they all now only compete for MGK's affection. Bayley turns heel revealing the only person she wants to hug anymore is MGK. Lace up, NXT Universe!

Squeeze Me Macaroni

At MiTB, Ryback vs. Big Show was given 25 minutes and focused on chain and technical wrestling. Everybody was so appalled by this that the authority sent their director of operations Kane to do something about it. However, that just led to him booking himself into the feud, announcing a triple-threat at Battleground. Immediately, however, a surprise comes in in the form of the GREAT KHALI who makes his long awaited return to the 'E.

"There's only one way this can be settled", Kane says. "In a FATAL 4-WAY 30 MINUTE ULTIMATE SUBMISSIONS MATCH".

The next week Ryback cuts the following promo;

MY LIFE SUCKED WHEN I HAD TO ONLY FACE ONE PERSON FOR THIS TITLE. TYPICALLY IT TAKES 2 TO MANGO BUT NOW I HAVE A MATCH THAT'S 4 LOKO. IS FOUR LOKO STILL A THING? I DON'T KNOW. FEED ME MORE!

Didn't Tyler Reks Have an Engineering Degree?

The Money in the Bank ladder match gets changed to a Money in the Bank Singapore Cane match, where each competitor must use his mental prowess to make a structure that will allow them to reach the briefcase with a limited number of singapore canes. By the end of the match each competitor is working together to try to help Sheamus get to the briefcase.

The Currency That Can Be Used For Great Benefit Contained Within the Confides of the Receptacle Which Acts as a Imitation of a Service That Stores Currency

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus is already pretty bad so...

After Sheamus wins MiTB, Randy Orton comes out to confront him. He then cuts a promo:

To the man that has been given the name of Sheamus I saw you enter the building given the name of the Nationwide Arena who's home is that of Columbus Ohio who's purpose is that of hosting multiple athletic and entertainment events on the eve of today, that is the day that has the date of June 14th 2015, that is the 6th month of the year and 14 days into said month with the intention of participating in the match given the name of the "Money in the Bank" match who's name was derived from a popular phrase representational of that of saving something for future benefit which is exactly what it would provide to the eventual winner of that match as they are given the chance for a match at any time anywhere that is that there are no temporal restrictions on the match UNTIL exactly one calendar year, that is 365 days that is 8760 hours that is 525,600 minutes that is 31,536,000 seconds in regards AT WHICH TIME the contract within the briefcase dubbed "Money in the Bank" becomes null and void, that is, its functionality ceases at once but until that time guarantees the user one title shot at any aforementioned time and any place, that is, there is no landscape restrictions for the title opportunity and thus presents a distinct advantage for the challenger in that they can wait until their opposition has become incapacitated or in a compromised position at which time they can do the action dubbed "cashing-in" the Money in the Bank contract and thus be at an improved position to win the championship which can be evidenced by the fact that 12 out of the 14 winners of the Money in the Bank briefcase have gone on to win the respective championship that they have targeted, yielding a success rate of approximately Eighty-five point seven-one-four-two-eight-five-seven-one-four-two-eight-five-seven-one-four-two-eight-five-seven-one-four-two-eight-five-seven-one-four-two-eight-six percent and that in such a match is determined in what is described as a ladder match typically but in which this world has been changed into a bizarre singapore cane match but that under typical conditions is in which ladders are implemented as both a weapon and a tool in which to reach the briefcase as it is suspended above the competitors at such a distance that no mortal human can approach it without some sort of aid which in this case is the aforementioned ladders, that is the implement which is constructed by fusing steel "rectangles" perpendicular to two long steel beams and constructing it such that a user will be able to climb it with stable support and I saw that after a match time of zero years zero months zero days zero hours twenty minutes and fifty seconds, you were announced victorious as you were able to successfully ascend the ladder and grab hold of the aforementioned briefcase and win the aforementioned title shot with the aforementioned advantage.

Translation: "Hey Sheamus, you won the Money in the Bank match"

TV Rotted My Brain and Stabbed My Father

Instead of going 35:40, the WWE title match goes 20 seconds. As soon as the bell rings, Ambrose is distracted by a bipedal television which has climbed up on the announce table. This allows Rollins to immediately run up a ladder and win. Ambrose attempts to attack the TV set but suddenly, 2 more humanoid electronic devices, a boombox and a computer modem attack him. This leads to a 3-on-1 handicap match at Battleground against the electronics which Ambrose loses do to more interference from more electronics. This leads to a match at SummerSlam where Ambrose faces the entire contents of a Best Buy store.

It's A Battleground

As evidenced by the past two years, Battleground isn't allowed to be a good show, so they have to find a way to screw up the Lesnar / Rollins feud. Based on how Lesnar has been booked they have to make Rollins seem competitive, so they use a surprise stipulation to help even the playing field: a HOG-PEN MATCH.

In addition, they spend each of the coming weeks having Lesnar gain sympathy from the audience by winning tough, competitive one-on-one matches with Heath Slater. THA ONE MAN BAND BAYBAYYYYY

The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Cageside Seats readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cageside Seats editors or staff.