WWE Payback 2015 match card preview: The Ascension vs. The Meta-Powers

WHO?

Joseph Curtis Hennig, aka Curtis Axel. 6'3", 227 pounds from Champlin, Minnesota, residing in Minneapolis. Once known as Michael McGillicutty for reasons still unexplained. WWE Tag Team Champion, and Intercontinental Champion. Once teamed with Ryback for reasons also unexplained. Son of wrestler, grandson of wrestler. Former vacuum of charisma until he started a movement known as Axelmania. May technically still be in the 2015 Royal Rumble match, though this fact is disputed in many circles. Once trained with The Rock for his in-ring comeback. Also sneaky old at 35.

Aaron Steven Haddad, aka Damien Sandow. 6'4", 247 pounds from Worcester, Massachusetts, now residing in Detroit. Once known as Idol Stevens. Trained by Killer Kowalski. Actually on his third run with WWE. THIRD. Was once a bunny. Seriously. Also once managed by Michelle McCool. Once an intellectual savior of the masses, but ran into the immovable push known as John Cena. Failed in his Money in the Bank match, then pretty much died. Is many things, could possibly be Darkseid. Once teamed with The Miz, then broke away from The Miz when he became way more over than The Miz. Lost feud ending match to The Miz. These days, mimicking Macho Man Randy Savage because, fuck it, why not? Teaming with Curtis Axel to form the Metapowers. Or something like that.

Ryan Parmeter and Eric Thompson, aka Konnor and Viktor, the Ascension. Combined weight of 487 pounds from the Wasteland. So... possibly New Jersey. Or FLORIDA^TM. Not the real Ascension, but the one that stuck. Once was NXT tag team champions for a year. A full year. Possibly space pirates from Egypt or space pirates that worship some Egyptian gods or something. Compares themselves to teams such as The Road Warriors, Demolition, and Powers of Pain, but are more like Power and Glory (or as Hawk once called them, Sour and Gory). Has shitty finisher known as the Fall of Man.

WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING?

Because somebody has to be the preshow match, and they're not putting the "I Quit" match there.

WHAT'S AT STAKE?

Your $10. Or your $50 depending on how you consume your WWE PPVs these days.

HISTORY

The Mega-Powers? Who? What? Why's everybody making such a big deal of them. Well, if you're a longtime wrestling fan, you know the answer, but there are people on this site that did not live through their heyday. So this explanation is mainly for them.

The Mega-Powers formed about halfway between Wrestlemania III and Wrestlemania IV on an episode of Saturday Night's Main Event. The duo consisted of then WWF Champion Hulk Hogan and former Intercontinental Champion (and heir apparent) Randy "Macho Man" Savage. They traveled the world and vanquished the forces of evil in the WWF, with Macho Man even winning the WWF Championship along the way.

But as it usually goes, the duo breaks up over a woman. That woman was Miss Elizabeth, who just so happened to be the Macho Man's manager. Hulk Hogan was protective of Elizabeth (I mean, who wouldn't, right?) to the point where it got a little too weird for everybody. During a tag match against the Twin Towers on a Saturday Night's Main Event in 1989, Savage was knocked off the apron and on to Liz. Hogan carried Elizabeth to the back while Savage took the beating. Savage took none too kindly to this and saw this as an act of aggression towards him, an act that would not stand by God. The Mega-Powers EXPLODE at Wrestlemania V, with Hogan defeating Savage for the WWF Championship. And in a bit of life imitating art, it was Hogan that played a part in Savage and Elizabeth divorcing in 1992. Allegedly.

The duo reunited in WCW in 1995 initially as "The Monster Maniacs" but was called by their correct name soon after, then broke up again when Hogan led the New World Order the following summer. They reunited a couple times after that, but that's not really important.

What is important is that this past Monday on RAW something really awesome happened. Axel and Sandow--err... Mandow--were having a match when these Egyptian space god fools came out and tried to get all Twin Towers on them and in that moment, Axel dropped the big leg on Victor. Then Mandow dropped the big elbow. And just like that Saturday night in 1987, the two forged a bond under a common enemy: the Illuminati. Or something like that.

WHO WINS?

Seriously, is there any question who wins? The Ascension's gonna feel the power of Axelmania and Mandow Madness, brother!

WINNER

Meta-Powers, assemble!

Come back to this here site starting at 7pm ET Sunday and find out exactly what the Ascension's gonna do when Axelmania and Mandow Madness runs wild on them.

Ok, so which diva breaks up the Meta-Powers?