First off, an admission. I have WAY too much time on my hands right now. I’m sick, stuck in the house, and very likely, going completely insane. With the recent WWE PPV and the upcoming NFL draft, my browser history has been dominated by WWE rumors/speculation/opinions and NFL Draft rumors/speculation/opinions, specifically, mock drafts. Naturally, in my current state of boredom and broken brain-ness, I started thinking about how the first round of the NFL Draft would shape up using only active WWE superstars instead of the best college athletes.
I decided to use the SB Nation consensus mock draft to determine the positions that all 32 teams would likely draft. Obviously, I won’t be taking age or actual football skills into consideration. That would just make this a lot less fun. I’ll only be working with the main roster here, so no NXT superstars will be included. To determine which superstar plays which position and where they would get drafted, I’ve used a combination of billed measurables, kayfabe character history and film study (read: watching WWE programming). Admittedly, some of these positions are a bit of a stretch, but whatevs. It’s just dumb fun anyway. Scroll down to see which WWE superstar your team would select along with a brief analysis.
1. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – John Cena (QB 6’1, 250)
The Bucs’ war room is very much divided on this pick. In fact, a beat writer reported hearing a very chant-like argument from outside the door that sounded like, "Let’s draft Cena! Cena sucks!" Odd. I imagine his detractors don’t care for his measurables. He seems a bit heavy for the position, and doesn’t have prototypical NFL QB height to combat his lack of mobility. Not a great athlete, but has all the intangibles. Great with media and children, will make tons in merchandise sales, and would definitely make a great face of the franchise. Most importantly, no matter the odds, he never gives up and always finds a way to win. In fact, after drafting Cena, I believe that the Bucs could change their team slogan to "LOLBUCSWIN."
2. Tennessee Titans – Seth Rollins (QB 6’1, 217)
The Titans need a lot of help, and likely want to trade back to acquire more picks. If they can’t find a taker, they’ll select Rollins. Would likely go #1 overall if not for character concerns. Last year, after an impressive bowl win, he decided to hit his teammates repeatedly with a steel chair before transferring because he wanted to go somewhere that would provide him with more help in winning a championship. Considering that he actually won one, he won’t fall any further than #2. Even with his past misdeeds, he works very well with Authority. The Architecture graduate and crossfit enthusiast is incredibly intelligent and athletic and has no issue with running when things break down in front of him. If those skills don’t translate to the next level, his highly punchable face will result in him drawing a lot of Roughing the Passer penalties.
3. Jacksonville – Roman Reigns (DE/OLB 6’3, 265)
Is very new to the position, and many scouts have questioned his readiness. Has held his own in some brutal battles lately. Always looks REALLY, REALLY STRONG. Textbook tackler. Gets low and powers through on contact. Great athlete that, for some reason, tends to cock his wrist like a shotgun before going into his stance. Also likes to let out a primal scream before making a tackle. That will have to be corrected when he is rushing from the QB’s blind side. A bit of a one trick pony when it comes to available moves, but is diligently working to improve his arsenal. Has showed vast improvement in a short amount of time, so his effort is not in question.
4. Oakland Raiders – Brock Lesnar (DT 6’3, 295)
The Raiders need help at Receiver, but I just can’t see them passing on the best player in the draft at #4. This is a steal for them here. A complete Beast. Quarterback conqueror. Amazingly athletic for any size and tough as nails. Likes to hurt people. Once threw the biggest offensive tackle in this draft so hard that he broke the playing surface. Once defeated both top quarterbacks in this draft…AT THE SAME TIME…WITH A BROKEN RIB. Will destroy a double, or even triple, team. May pose three big issues, though. First is money. His agent, Paul Heyman, says that he will only play if he gets paid as much as, or more than, the top quarterback. Second thing I noticed is that he tends to disappear at times, not just in a single game, but for months at a time. The third issue is his current indefinite suspension for conduct detrimental to a commentator and camera man’s lives. However, he is expected to be reinstated around late July or early August. Just in time for training camp.
5. Washington Redskins – Rusev (DE 6’0, 304)
This proud Bulgarian Russian should play inside based on his measurables, but his athleticism helps keep him on the outside. In fact, he is considered by most to be a super athlete. Strong enough to hold up against the run, but has great closing speed to get to the QB. Has managed to win most of his battles, even once against a QB that never loses, although he has lost two battles to that same QB since. Great value at #5, considering his Accolades and ability to crush the competition. Contract negotiations may be an issue here too, as he seems to be headed towards a breakup with his agent, Lana and his displeasure with America may give him pause about playing in our nation’s capital. Also, doesn't appear to possess a full grasp of the English language yet, so it may be best to simplify his playbook or have it translated to Russian.
6. New York Jets – Dean Ambrose (WR 6’4, 225)
With no quarterback worthy of being picked this high, the Jets do the next best thing and add another weapon for their future QB, and Dean Ambrose is almost synonymous with weapons. Adding him here, gives them another big receiver to pair with Brandon Marshall. His unstable personality may cause for a chemistry issue but he is known to be incredibly loyal to his teammates, often referring to them as his brothers. Not very athletic, but is possession type that is not afraid of taking the big hit over the middle. Has a questionable past, but I have no doubts that the Jets’ fans will embrace him and love his Dirty Deeds.
7. Chicago Bears – Wade "Bad News" Barrett (6’7, 245)
In what is likely the year of the big WR, the Bears have hit the jackpot. If the NFC North corners thought that they wouldn’t have to deal with a tall, strong receiver in Chicago after Brandon Marshall was traded, well, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. Barrett provides the perfect replacement as a large, physical target here. How physical? He was once a bare knuckle boxer in the UK. Avoids Illegal Hands to the Face penalties by using his elbow like a bull hammer at the line of scrimmage when corners are in press coverage. In fact, if a DB walks up in press and notices that Barrett has turned his elbow pad inside out, he would be better served to just play off and avoid the impending brutality…at least until the NFL inevitably adds a rule to prevent this.
8. Atlanta Falcons – Randy Orton (OLB/DE 6’5, 245)
Given his size, Orton is not best suited to play with his hand on the ground for all three downs. Luckily, he has the athletic ability to drop back into coverage. Very smooth and fluid, if not occasionally slow and deliberate, movement. It seems like he is gliding when out on the playing field. Has a great quick twitch and is able to get to the QB and bring him down, seemingly, FROM OUTTA NOWHERE! Sorry. Not sure why I yelled that. It just seemed appropriate, for some unknown reason. Will need to work on his tackling technique. His tendency to bring guys down by the head/neck area has led to opponents slipping out and pushing him away in the past. Can’t leave sacks of the field like that.
9. New York Giants – Luke Harper (OT 6’5, 275)
When you hear scouts and draftniks refer to an offensive lineman, "mauler" is a commonly used term of praise. Luke Harper is a mauler and then some. This guy plays dirty…literally. I’m 99.9998% certain that he has worn the exact same shirt every time that I’ve seen him for the past two years. Maybe it’s lucky, but it doesn’t appear that he’s washed it at any point since I first saw him, either. Another great athlete. Despite his size, he moves around much better than guys much smaller than he is. There is some concern about his mental state. Quite often does he go from being very intense to looking dazed and confused. In either situation, he always manages to get the job done, and is the ideal candidate to be the first offensive lineman taken.
10. Saint Louis Rams – Dolph Ziggler (WR 6’0 213)
The Rams are a team on the rise, but could use some help on offense. In Ziggler, the Rams add a go to target for new QB Nick Foles. Not a very big guy, but makes up for it with athletic ability, fearlessness when it comes to handling the bumps that come with contact, and charismatic passion. Could be considered to be a bit of a show off, but backs up his boastful nature by running Zig Zags around his competition and showing the world that he belongs at the highest level. The Rams will have to make sure to closely monitor what he says on his twitter page, as comments he’s made in the past have gotten him in trouble. Could make history as the first former cheerleader to play in the NFL.
This is already in TL;DR territory, so I’ll break the post up into 3 parts and add links to each page as they’re posted. Be sure to check back later for picks 11-20!
Update: Picks 11-20 are posted
Update 2: Picks 21-32 are posted