WHO?
Nicholas Theodore Nemeth, aka Dolph Ziggler. 6'0", 213 lbs. from Cleveland, Ohio, now residing in Phoenix, Arizona. Billed from Hollywood, Florida for some reason. Once billed from Hollywood, California. Two-time World Heavyweight Champion, four-time Intercontinental Champion, WWE United States Champion, 2012 Money in the Bank winner, twice a sole survivor in two Survivor Series matches, neither of which led to anything. Rolling Stone's Wrestler of the Year. Once a caddy, cheerleader, and generic wrestler. Once had to kiss Vickie Guerrero. On camera. Once was perfection, but now just "shows the world". Dated Amy Schumer before she was a really big deal. Also dated Nikki Bella. Former leader of Team Rocket. Actually fluent in American sign language. Former amateur wrestling champion, once holding the record for career wins at Kent State University. Tends to get controversial on Twitter, always having one foot out the door it seems.
Stephen Farrelly, aka Sheamus. 6'4", 267 lbs from Cabra, Dublin, Ireland, now residing in St. Augustine, Florida. Two-time WWE Champion, World Heavyweight Champion, twice United States Champion, the last King of the Ring (2010), and 2012 Royal Rumble winner. BFF of Triple H; after all, how else do you score a featured bout at Wrestlemania six months after your RAW debut? Former IT technician, meaning he can fix your computer, fella. Former bouncer and bodyguard. Has a weird relationship with lobsters and limes. Is related to a Muppet. Once beat a guy in 18 seconds at a Wrestlemania. Has a tendency to yell "fella" a lot for some reason. Lost his last championship on the WWE Network. Came back looking stupid.
WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING?
Because Dolph wants Sheamus to be a star and not a bully.
WHAT'S AT STAKE?
Pride and dignity. The loser will have to kiss the winner's arse.
HISTORY
Last November, Sheamus and Dolph Ziggler were in oddly different spots. Sheamus was the WWE United States Champion, but was killed straight dead by Rusev (it was a necessary evil; Sheamus had to go under the knife). Dolph Ziggler was the sole survivor on a team that won that ultimately kicked the Authority off the show... for all of five weeks. But that doesn't matter in this story.
This story begins at Smarkamania IV. Daniel Bryan and Dolph Ziggler were fighting it out over the Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship in a pretty good match that had MANY HEADBUTTS. Daniel wins, then Wade "Bad News" Barrett, still bitter over losing his title the previous night without ever being beaten for it, takes it out on Daniel. Then...
IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING! LOBSTER HEAD! A CARELESS MAN WHO WOULD WIND UP DEAD! Sheamus returns...
...and Brogue Kicks Daniel Bryan dead. Then Brogue Kicks Dolph Ziggler dead.
"I'm back." -Sheamus.
"You look stupid!" -Smarkamania crowd.
And if it wasn't made any clearer that Sheamus was a new and changed man, three days later, he came out to a new theme. No more Lobsterhead. No more limes. No more fella. Ok, fella didn't go the way of the do-do. But the little guy may if Sheamus has his way.
But one Dolph Ziggler's got something to say about that. He's not gonna let this bullying stand, by God. And he's gonna stand up to that bully. And suddenly we have a match... but on one condition.
If Ziggler loses, he kisses Sheamus' arse. Literally. But if Sheamus loses, he must pucker up and kiss arse. If that isn't extreme, I don't know what is.
I'm real AF #ExtremeRules @wwe pic.twitter.com/k1mRZxVDuz
— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) April 23, 2015
Yeah, maybe that promo via text, which our own General suggested could be interpreted as Dolph baiting his way out of a company he won't have a contract with at the end of the summer.
WHO WINS?
Come on, you really think they're gonna give the guy with the new theme a loss his first month back on PPV? Plus, as much as I hate to say it, I think the E's been looking to subtly push Dolph out the door for the last year. Being forced to kiss ass--literally--might be the final nail in the Showoff's coffin.
WINNER
The shameless lobsterhead with the stupid goatee.
Come on Cagesiders! Convince me that Dolph Ziggler has a chance Sunday, then come back to this here site beginning at 7pm ET Sunday and watch me be proven right.