Wrestlemania 31 match preview: Rusev vs. John Cena

WHO?

Miroslav Barnyashev, aka Alexander Rusev, aka Rusev. 6'0", 305 lbs (1.83 meters,138 kg). WWE United States Champion. Once powerlifted and rowed, but decided wrestling was good. Trained by the unlikely combination of Gangrel and Rikishi. Super athlete. Crushes people, usually those of a different color. Managed by a lady that was in Pitch Perfect. Somehow dating said lady from Pitch Perfect. Lives with lady from Pitch Perfect in Nashville. Clippers fan. Bulgarian. Russian.

John Felix Anthony Cena, aka John Cena. 6'1", 251 lbs. from West Newbury, MA, now residing in Tampa, Florida. 12-time WWE Champion, three-time World Heavyweight Champion, three-time WWE United States Champion, four-time tag team champion, Money in the Bank winner in 2012, twice Royal Rumble winner (2008 and 2013), three-tume WWE Superstar of the Year (2009, 2010, 2012), five-time Wrestlemania main eventer. Face of the WWE, for better or worse. Mostly worse. Once known as The Doctor of Thuganomics. Chain gang soldier, leader of the Cenation, the Champ, Mr. 3000 (for some reason). Dates the Bella with bigger boobs. Doesn't want kids. Was married once, but ended ugly. Really ugly. Actor. Rapper. Failed rapper. Hulk Hogan of the 21^st century. Hated just as much as Hulk Hogan in the 21^st century. Likely future record holder for most recognized world championships.

WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING?

For America. For freedom. Or something like that.

WHAT'S AT STAKE?

The World Wrestling Entertainment United States Heavyweight Wrestling Championship. The very belt Dean Fucking Ambrose held for damn near a year.

HISTORY

John Cena fighting for a midcard championship? Really? Yeah, I don't buy it either.

In Vince McMahon's mind, it's 1986. America's still fighting a cold war, all foreigners are bad, and only big people with muscles within muscles are allowed to main event.

To the rest of us, it's 2015. America's fighting a war against terrorism, not all foreigners are bad (though some still suck), and Daniel Bryan should be in the main event of Wrestlemania for the second year in a row. At least John's nowhere near the main event. But for the second year in a row, he's in a position to snuff out the company's biggest heel's fire.

Our story begins with the Rusgarian (that's Russian-Bulgarian; yes, I did make this word up) coming a shade from winning the Royal Rumble match. Prior to that, Rusev's been beating anyone and everyone that's been put in front of him. But he fell short in his biggest spot to date, and he had to take it out on someone.

That someone was the former Doctor of Thuganomics, John Cena, who also came up short in his bid to tie Ric Flair's 16^th world title. Needless to say, John John took offense to this interruption. Ultimately, this led to the two fighting it out at Fastlane for the United States title. Then... a miracle.

Though it was through shady circumstances (a very blatant low blow that would make the best of the Attitude Era jealous), Rusev won. The impossible had happened. John Cena gave up. Sort of.

Needless to say, John would not—could not—let this aggression stand. John wanted a do-over. Rusev declined.

So, Cena went over his head.

Stephanie said (in kind words), nope. Go ask Rusev.

So Cena asked Rusev... well, not so much asked as he for the first time in his life tightened up the STF. Come on, refs. He's practically killing the man.

But as I always say, get that shit in writing, and the next week, they got it in writing. And it was at this point you realize how valuable Lana is to Rusev. Rusev without Lana, even if he is a "super athlete", is just another guy. I mean, look at this yokel "lawyer". He can't even exit a ring properly.

After we were treated to YET ANOTHER RUSEV-SWAGGER MATCH (I mean, this is the Cena-Orton of the Reality Era), John Cena got destroyed by the Rusgarian.

Rusev's clearly had enough of Cena's shit, from his "hustle, loyalty, respect" to his slut shaming of his woman. This is an unhinged Rusev. An unleashed Rusev. A Rusev without Lana's pause button. The man cannot be contained.

WHO WINS?

In a perfect world, Rusev retains the United States title, breaks Cena into retirement and goes on to become one of the biggest heels in the company in a long time.

WINNER

But we all know how the story ends. It's been nice knowing you, Alex.

(gif via ghostdaddotcx on Tumblr)

By the way, you need to take 25 minutes out of your life to watch "Wrestling Isn't Wrestling". Do it now. DO IT!

Go ahead, Cagesiders. Tell me I'm wrong.

Then come right back here to Cageside Seats for the Wrestlemania fun later tonight. You know you wanna.