It's that time of year again. No, I'm not talking about Christmas. I'm talking about the time where Wrestling fans start fantasy booking Wrestlemania season. And while many will try and book the 'best' card featuring their smark favourite vs Brock Lesnar, I decided to take a different approach and ask myself the question 'what's the worst that could happen?' How much of a dumpster fire could WWE make Wrestlemania if they wanted to? So here is the worst Wrestlemania card and booking I could think of for the big event in Cowboys Stadium next year.
The John Cena Internet Meme Battle Royal
Thanks to the rise of the 'Unexpected Cena' meme, John Cena finds himself in an Internet Meme Battle Royal with the likes of Overly Attached Girlfriend, Gordon Ramsey's Raw Chicken and the Success Kid. It looks like Cena has won when he eliminates Peanut Butter Jelly time and the Chocolate Rain guy. But then he gets hit with an RKO FROM OUTTA NOWHERE. Randy Orton tosses Cena over the top rope and wins the battle royal.
Brock Lesnar vs Bart Gunn - Brawl for All Match
Feeling that Bart Gunn didn't get the run he deserved following the Brawl for All Tournament in 1998, WWE decide to bring him back for Wrestlemania showing their desperate need to include anyone from the Attitude Era on the PPV. Since Brock is also an legitimate fighter they decide he will be Bart's opponent and make it a Brawl For All Match. This match doesn't have a scripted finish and things take a turn for the worse when Bart Gunn actually manages to defeat Lesnar. This ruins two years of Lesnar booking in one fell swoop. Bart Gunn should now be the top dog in the company but due to the violent nature of Brawl for All matches, both men are injured for 12 months. This puts WWE's plans for the blockbuster match of Brock Lesnar vs Curtis Axel at Wrestlemania 33 under threat. The match ends with the crowd chanting 'FIRE RUSSO!' even though he left WWE many years ago.
Stone Cold Steve Austin vs JBL - 30 Minute Iron Man Beer Drinking Match
30 minutes of non-stop beer drinking. A competitor can win a fall by making their opponent vomit or pass out from the high alcohol intake. The match ends 0-0. But afterwards, JBL is disqualified when officials find out he was drinking Mountain Dew instead of beer. Austin wins and this makes Michael Cole do an atrocious Jim Ross impression.
Daniel Bryan vs a Bear
Daniel Bryan is not medically cleared to compete against human opponents. So he finds a loophole that allows him to have a match with a bear. Bryan previously stated 'you can't be a champion until you can beat a bear' and he wants to prove that his WWE championship run wasn't a sham. Many are very concerned that Daniel Bryan is taking part in this match and fear that his career and life could be in jeopardy. However, instead Bryan beats the Bear in 18 seconds after hitting the animal with a high running knee. This causes the fans at the RAW after Wrestlemania to constantly chant for the bear, amidst fears that he is being buried by WWE creative.
The New Day vs Independence Day - Tag Team Championship
The legally required celebrity segment of Wrestlemania. Will Smith watches Survivor Series. He takes offensive to the New Day hating on Sheamus, who was just paying tribute to the Fresh Prince by talking about "Getting Jiggy (with it)". Therefore Smith teams up with fellow star of Independence Day, Jeff Goldblum (as Bill Pullman wasn't available) to challenge for the New Day's tag team titles. As with all celebrity-based wrestling matches, Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum win the match and decide to donate the Tag Team Titles to charity. This leads the New Day to try and reclaim their tag team belts from a group of starving kids in Africa.
Sheamus vs Finn Balor - Irish Dancing Match - WWE World Heavyweight Championship
In a shocking turn of events, Finn Balor is the NXT entrant into the 2016 Royal Rumble and wins the match causing a guy on the Internet known as Brigade to have an orgasm. But all is not as sweet as it might sound as his Wrestlemania bout with champion Sheamus is set to be an Irish Dancing match. Early in the match, there is a run-in from King Barrett and Neville who start Morris Dancing. Sheamus and Finn feel this is a crime against dancing and both take them out of the proceedings. Sheamus wins and retains his title, thanks to his long legs and two months of training from Michael Flatley.
The Undertaker vs Fake Undertaker
The Undertaker has decided to have his final match at Wrestlemania 32. And what better way to go out then by facing one of his great rivals from the past 25 years - Fake Undertaker, the man he faced in that 'classic' Summerslam 1994 match. As the match goes on, we realise that Fake Undertaker will be playing all the different versions of the Undertaker throughout his career during this multiple fall match. It's a bit like that final boss battle of Metal Gear Solid 4 where you have to beat the four incarnations of Liquid. Undertaker first takes on Fake Undertaker dressed in silver gloves, then in purple groves, then Fake Undertaker with 1997/98 attire, then Fake Ministry Undertaker, then Fake American Badass Undertaker, Fake Hybrid Undertaker, Fake Mohawk Undertaker before finally facing the current incarnation, Fake Balding Undertaker. Undertaker wins the match before revealing that the Fake Undertaker was the one who Lesnar faced at Wrestlemania 30. Therefore technically his winning streak is still intact.
Kane vs Big Show - Last in a Lifetime
The main event to end all main events is a double retirement match between The Big Show and Kane. The fans pay their respects to these two legends of the business with chants of 'Thank You Big Show' and 'Thank You Kane' heard throughout the stadium (mainly because they are being piped in over a speaker system). As a tribute to so many of their classic matches they've been involved in through the years, it ends in a double disqualification.
So that's my idea for a terrible Wrestlemania. Here's hoping WWE can do it better but I won't get my hopes up too much. Let me know in the comments if you think it could get any worse than that.